


Omaha

by linderella



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety Attacks, I WANT TO MAKE HIM MORE THREE DIMENSIONAL BUT HOW, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Larry is a dick, M/M, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide mention, Tree Bros, anyway, cheese alert, connor murphy/evan hansen - Freeform, evan hansen/connor murphy - Freeform, internet friend au, jared becomes less of a dick, sorry i dont know why alana isn't in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2018-12-01 20:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 45,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11494230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linderella/pseuds/linderella
Summary: This is weird.Friendship is weird.Also, so is Twitter.





	1. Chapter 1

_ Evan _

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today is good to be a good day, and here’s why: it’s the first day of senior year, and you get your cast off in six weeks, you don’t have to take gym this year (thank God), and Jared finally agreed to drive you to school every morning if you give him good reports to your mom. _

_ Hopefully this is a better year than last year.  _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me _

 

Evan looked at his paper in satisfaction. He was able to write three good things in the letter, breaking a record for himself. He had started writing them over the summer, but things were so lonely he usually just counted the pop tart he ate for breakfast as the best thing that happened that day. It was early, about ten minutes before Jared was supposed to come and pick him up, but Evan was a morning person. He had already taken his anxiety medication and gotten ready for the day.

He heard a knock at his door, and shut his laptop. He didn’t want his mom reading his letter for his therapist.

“Come in!” He called as she opened the door.

“Everything all set?” She asked in the most-mom-voice she could do.

Evan nodded, trying to smile convincingly for her.

She sighed. “I know you’re nervous.” Obviously not convincing enough.

Evan spoke with his back facing her, checking his backpack for the third time to make sure he had all his school supplies. “Jared is coming to get me.” He changed the subject.

“Have you been writing those letters to yourself?” His mom asked, approaching him from behind and smoothing down his hair. Evan tensed at the contact.

“I wrote one after I woke up,” Evan replied, fiddling with a button on his shirt.

His mom smiled. “I know! How about you ask one of the other kids to sign your cast?”

“Uh, great idea.” He was dying to exit this conversation. He wasn’t going to ask anyone to sign his cast, but he told her this just to make her happy.

“I’m proud of you already,” She gushed, her eyes misting over. Evan felt so awkward at this. “Senior year, my little guy is a senior in high school. I can’t believe it.”

Just then, Jared honked in the driveway. “I should...go.” Evan responded blankly, grateful for this break.

Evan hurried downstairs before his mom could hug him goodbye. As he walked out the door she called out to him to tell him to have a good day.

***

As Jared drove, Evan gripped the edge of his seat stiffly. He felt his heart race every time Jared sped up at a yellow light or wasn’t watching where he was going.

“Be careful!” Evan yelped as Jared stopped a bit too close to a crosswalk. Two young children stared at Jared cautiously, aware that he had nearly run down the crosswalk guard.

“Can you chill out? Jesus, man. I’m doing a favor by driving you.” Jared retorted.

“Sorry,” Evan apologized, trying to relax in his seat. Jared starting driving again, cracking jokes about Evan’s broken arm. Evan had explained three times already in this short ten minute drive that he had fallen out of tree and broken it.

“I’m sure you’ve been stalking the hell out of Zoe Murphy, right?” Jared teased.

Evan blushed. “What? No. All I’ve seen are her Instagram posts.”

Jared laughed. “Don’t you follow her on Twitter? Then you can see her every day, deep, intimate thoughts about like, viral dog videos and stuff.”  
Evan perked up a little but didn’t want Jared to notice. “I don’t even have a Twitter.”

Jared pulled into a parking spot and didn’t reply to Evan. He grabbed his backpack from the backseat and looked over at Evan. “Be back here at three o’clock.”

Evan stumbled out of the car and got out his backpack, following closely behind Jared. Jared said hello to nearly everyone on his way in, but everyone mostly ignored him. Sometimes Evan felt bad for Jared. He didn’t want to admit it, but Evan was the closest thing he had to a friend. Still, every time Evan called Jared his friend, Jared reminded him of their  _ actual _ relationship:  _ family _ friends.

As both boys entered the main hallway, Jared babbled on to Evan about how wonderful his summer was. He was talking about their trip to Lake Destiny, Idaho, when Jared stopped dead in his sentence.

“Dude, there’s Connor Murphy. He’s looking more psychotic than usual.” Jared taunted under his breath as Connor walked through the front doors.

Connor’s dark hair was longer than it had been when school got out, down to his shoulders. He had purple circles under his eyes, and his mouth was twisted into a scowl.

That was the problem with Zoe Murphy. Evan sometimes imagined what it would be like to date Zoe, and most of the time he thought about how he could somehow avoid Connor for the rest of his life. Connor had always been scary to Evan, pretty much since the time Connor threw a printer at the teacher is second grade. He was a major stoner now, and Evan had never once seen him with any friends or talking to anyone. 

It made Evan feel slightly bad for him. Evan knew what it was like not to have any friends, but he wasn’t about to introduce himself to Connor. His stomach churned at the thought.

Evan was awoken from his thoughts about Connor to hear Jared loudly calling to someone. When Evan focused, he realized Connor had stopped in front of Jared, glaring at him.

“Love the new hair length!” Jared yelled to Connor. “Very school-shooter-chic.”

Evan’s first thought was,  _ That was mean. _ But before he had time to think anything else, Connor was up close to Jared’s face.

“Dude, chill out. It was a joke.” Jared stumbled, still sounding extremely obnoxious.

Connor let out a dry laugh. “Yeah, no! It was funny. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?”

Evan definitely could not tell.

Jared rolled his eyes. He just walked away from Connor, who had rage building up in his eyes. “Freak,” He whispered under his breath before walking down the hall.

Evan had been so engulfed in the conversation he didn’t realize he was staring wide-eyed at Connor. Connor caught his gaze and glared back. This time though, his eyes looked sad. He pushed past Evan, nearly knocking him down. Evan watched him walk away, all alone. It made him feel bad.

***

At lunch, Evan sat alone in the computer lab signing up for a Twitter account. It asked for his full name, but he was scared to use his full name on the internet. What if someone found out all his personal information? What if someone saved all his tweets and used them against him? 

He decided to leave his name blank. No one would know it was him. He chose the username “ChillSycamore” and moved on. Once he set up his profile picture as his favorite tree, a Sycamore, he wrote a short bio, a quote from his favorite book.

Of course the first thing he did was follow Zoe Murphy. Then, in order to not look suspicious, he followed about a hundred random users. Most were from his school, and when he approached Jared’s page, he debated on whether or not to follow him. He decided not to. 

He returned to his home feed. He fiddled with it for a little while, trying to figure out how to use the website. He scrolled down his feed, looking for Zoe Murphy. He had forgotten how to search users, so he hoped she would show up eventually. 

Instead he found a “People you may know” tab. 

The first name that came up was Connor Murphy’s account. The profile picture was this photo of Connor, silhouetted. He couldn’t see his face but he could see the outline of his hair against the light. He wondered if Zoe had taken it.

Evan remembered what Jared had said to Connor earlier. He remembered how people had treated Connor for as long as Evan had known him. He scrolled diligently through Connor’s page. Most of his tweets were retweets, or quotes. Evan was surprised at the quotes Connor chose to post, and within a few minutes, he forgot he was even looking through Connor’s page. One quote resonated with Evan so deeply that he absentmindedly clicked the like button.

Shit.  _ SHIT.  _ Evan unliked it as fast as he could, but the damage was done. Connor would get the notification. Evan spent a moment trying to decide whether or not to delete his account first and switch schools second, or vice versa. Evan wasn’t sure what to do, he wasn’t familiar with Twitter and wasn’t sure how to keep someone from seeing a notification. He figured there was nothing he could do. Luckily, Evan’s name wasn’t in his profile. Connor wouldn’t think much about it. Hopefully.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Connor _

Connor wasn’t in the best mood. 

To be fair, he was never in the best mood, but today was different. The first day of senior year, and it had already been shitty. He woke up late and had to listen to Zoe run her mouth the entire drive to school about finishing the milk. The last thing Connor wanted to do was sit in some calculus class.

The second they pulled into the parking lot, Zoe jumped out of Connor’s old car before anyone could see Connor and her together. Connor took his time getting his bag out of the car. He walked toward the school slowly, debating on whether or not to turn around and leave. He ultimately decided not to, simply because Zoe would tattle on him.

When he walked into the school, people stared at him warily.  Some people were chuckling at him, others moved out of the way. Connor tried to ignore it, or at least pretend it wasn’t because of him, but he knew it was. He was used to this. His earbuds were in, but no music was playing. He knew he probably looked pissed, but he didn’t care.

That’s when Jared Kleinman had to talk to him. Jared was a douchebag, and everyone knew it. He thought he was clever, but he was just obnoxious. Connor considered breaking his stupid glasses for a moment, but he didn’t really feel like giving Jared another reason to think he was psychotic.

Connor turned to face him, and Jared called out to him, “Loving the new hair length! Very school-shooter-chic”. Connor’s stomach turned when he said it. He didn’t normally get hurt by stupid comments like that, but he was already angry. He narrowed his eyes at Jared. Jared rolled his eyes and declared his comment a joke. As he left the scene, Connor heard him whisper “freak” under his breath.

Connor pushed past the people watching, heading straight for the bathroom. Once he was in a stall, he leaned against the wall and shut his eyes. He tried to cool down, using some old therapy tricks he had learned in rehab, but the bell rang and he had to go.

Connor adjusted the strap of his backpack over his shoulder, and left. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, just like every other day of school he’d ever had. The routine went as he expected, boring classes, lame ass teachers, and sitting alone in the back every single period.

When the school day ended, he drove Zoe home without speaking to her. She was on her phone the entire ride, and the only thing she said to him was to turn his music off. He responded by turning it up as high as he could without blowing out his speakers.

When he got home, he went up to his room, ignoring his mother’s questions about how his day was. His dad had taken the lock off his door about a year ago, but he knew his mom wouldn’t come in, and neither would Zoe. He laid down on the bed, unlocking his phone. He checked social media, which all happened to be dead at the moment. The only notification he had was his Twitter account, which he used the least. 

Some user named “ChillSycamore” had liked a tweet. Connor smirked at the username. He clicked on the handle, seeing little content. His profile picture was some tree, fitting with the username. The bio had a small description of who the user was, a seventeen-year-old old boy. The thing that caught Connor’s eye was the quote in his bio. It was from one of Connor’s favorite books. He had the quote tacked to a board in the back of his closet. Connor debated on whether or not to send him a message. Connor’s only friends were over the internet, but most of them had grown away from him. He was desperate to talk to somebody, even if it was a short conversation about a book. He decided to send ChillSycamore a private message.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_Hey, saw your bio. That’s one of my favorite books._ **

 

He got a response almost immediately.

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Oh hi! It is one of my favorites too._ **

 

The answer didn’t exactly invite conversation. Connor decided to try and change the subject in order to move things along.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_Where you from?_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Oh._ **

**_I’m from Omaha._ **

**_Actually, I don’t know why I said that. I’m not._ **

**_I’m afraid to give out my city online._ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_Why? You worried someone is going to kidnap you?_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Yes_ **

 

Connor leaned back against his headboard. This kid seemed a little tense. The conversation wasn’t going anywhere, and Connor was about to give up when the other user responded again.

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_I’m not like worried about you though or anything_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_You flatter me._ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_You messaged me first!_ **

**_Any particular reason?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_Just looking for someone to talk to, I guess._ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_I guess I’m someone :)_ **

 

Connor laughed under his breath at the response. It was entirely unclever, but he could tell ChillSycamore thought it was a witty comeback. Connor and ChillSycamore messaged back and forth for hours, mostly about school. Connor talked the most, about petty things like classmates and how much he dreaded going to school. Connor recounted his experience with Jared to him, and after a while, he realized he didn’t even have a name to call ChillSycamore. 

Except like, his whole username, which was a mouthful.

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_is there some name i should call you?_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Um. I guess you can call me like, A or something_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_thanks, but this isn’t an episode of pretty little liars._ **

**_you know what? im gonna call you omaha._ **

 

Omaha stopped responding around 9 pm, and Connor assumed he had gone to bed. Connor walked out into the hallway, hearing his family downstairs, laughing in the kitchen.

He sighed in resentment. Connor’s dad didn’t give a shit about him, and he knew it. Larry thought he had been seeking attention after he failed his first suicide attempt. When he went to rehab, it was a complete battle between his mother and father about whether Connor needed it or not. Connor hadn’t wanted to go, but he didn’t interfere with his parent’s argument. Eventually, he went. It was a month long, and Connor was sure his dad only let him go because he wanted to have a break from Connor being a part of their family for a month.

His mom meant well, but she expected Connor to come home perfectly fine. He wasn’t. He was still sick. His parents didn’t really understand how mental illness worked. They thought of it as more of a state of mind. Connor had an okay time in rehab, although his parents liked to refer to it as a “Yoga Retreat”. He made some of the first friends he had ever had there. He kept contact with a lot of them, and sometimes he was jealous of their lives. How shitty is that? To be jealous of other rehab patients.

Everyone assumed his parents loved him  _ so _ much they decided to send him, like his friend’s families did, but when Connor came home his parents refused to keep up the therapy or get him professionally diagnosed. Connor did his own research online, concluding he was definitely depressed. He thought he might have other things, but self diagnosis was hard to make conclusions about.

He lived with it, and since he had no medication, he turned to drugs. Not the hard stuff, at least not often. He smoked pot pretty frequently. It was the only thing that made him feel better. He was less aggressive when he was high, but it also meant he was less emotionally responsive to anybody. 

Connor returned to his bedroom, laying down on the bed and looking at his ceiling fan. He wanted to sleep, but he wasn’t tired. He knew he wouldn’t fall asleep for hours, so instead he decided to watch some videos on YouTube until he fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

_Evan_

Evan had stopped responding to Connor’s twitter messages at 8:58 pm. Mostly because he had to go to bed, but also, how do you respond to your crush’s psycho brother who doesn’t know you’re even the one messaging them?

He hoped Connor would have no idea it was him, especially since he figured Connor hadn’t even seen him when he walked away from Jared earlier that day.

Still, as Evan got ready for school the next morning, he was incredibly anxious. What if Connor _did_ know it was him, and was getting ready to beat the shit out of him? What if Connor figured out the reason he even made a Twitter in the first place was to stalk Zoe, and then told her? He felt his palms get sweaty just thinking about it.

His mom had gone to an early shift before Evan had woken up. When he got downstairs, he found a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich with a sticky note on it. Evan picked up the note, a simple heart drawn on it in Sharpie. Evan threw the sticky note in the trash, and had eaten about three bites of the sandwich when Jared honked outside. Evan grabbed his house key from the key rack and headed out the door, getting in the passenger side of Jared’s car.

Jared was blasting his shitty music, and Evan couldn’t hear what he said when they were stopped at a light. Evan just nodded and smiled, pretending it was a joke. Jared rolled his eyes and turned down the radio.

“I was asking you if you had ten bucks. I need to pay the class fee for woodshop.” Jared mumbled through a mouthful of granola.

Evan jumped in his seat. “Uh yeah, I do. Do you mind if I give you some of the dollars in quarters? Sorry.”

Jared took a sip of his thermos. “Yeah, whatever. Thanks man.” He paused, then added. “Are you good? You seem more out of it than usual.”

Evan looked out the window as he bit his thumbnail. “Yeah! I’m great.” Evan was obviously lying, but he still hoped Jared wouldn’t notice.

Jared probably did, but he just sighed and kept driving. Evan’s body occasionally lurched forward at his sudden stops, but they got to school alive. Evan rushed into school, and found himself watching the door for Connor from afar. He wanted to make sure if he saw him he had a good excuse to return home.

Zoe walked in, her hair braided nicely on the side of her head. Evan waited for Connor to follow, but he never did. As the crowd cleared, he realized Zoe had come from the bus. Connor must have stayed home from school. Evan had worked as an aide in the attendance office last year, and he knew Connor didn’t exactly have the best attendance record.

That’s when he realized Zoe Murphy was walking straight toward him.

Evan looked around, wondering who Zoe was trying to get to, but Evan was by himself. No one was anywhere near him. His heart starting racing, every terrible scenario running through his head. Connor had probably figured out Evan was the other person on Twitter, and he probably told Zoe that Evan made the account to look at Zoe’s.

Evan continued to worry, and Zoe approached him and planted herself right in front of Evan, looking concerned. Evan pulled at his shirt sleeve, heart racing. He wished he could run, but at the same time this was the first time Zoe had ever directly spoken to him, and he wanted to savor it.

“Hey, I saw my brother push you yesterday. I’m sorry. He’s insane.” Zoe said bitterly, her eyes narrowing when she spoke about Connor.

Evan was almost too distracted to connect Zoe’s words with why she was standing there. He found himself instead focusing on the way her hair was braided, and her eyes. He had never gotten to look closely at her eyes in person. Her cheeks had a natural flush to them, freckles sprayed across the bridge of her nose.

Evan’s mind broke for just a moment, taking in what Zoe had just said.

 _Pushed me?_ Evan thought. “He didn’t push me, per say--” Evan replied, rocking back and forth on his toes. “I wouldn’t really...call it pushing? I guess?”

Zoe smiled sympathetically. “You don’t need to protect him. I just wanted to apologize for him.” Zoe reached forward, resting her hand on Evan’s shoulder. It sent electricity up Evan’s spine. “He’s super annoying. Sorry he did that.”

Evan nodded absentmindedly, not noticing the now awkward silence between the two. Zoe shifted her weight to her other foot and smiled. Evan was now focusing in on her eyes again. They were blue, but they had flicks of brown in them. He hadn’t really thought about them before. They were pretty.

“I’ll, um see you later.” She said before walking away.

“Bye,” Evan called behind her.

As soon as she was gone, Evan looked around to make sure Jared hadn’t seen him talking to Zoe. Luckily, he was nowhere to be found. Evan spent the rest of the day with a grin he couldn’t seem to wipe away from his face.

***  
After school, Evan messaged Connor.

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Hey! How was your day?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Boring_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Did you have school off?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_didn’t really feel like getting out of bed._ **

**_tired I guess_ **

**_how was your day?_ **

Evan was about to tell him that his crush talked to him that day, but he decided against it. There were a few reasons to this, one being that Zoe was Connor’s sister and he didn’t really want to risk it. The main one, though, was simply he just didn’t want to talk about Zoe to Connor. He always talked about Zoe with Jared, even if it earned him some teasing every now and then.

He just didn’t feel like talking about it with Connor. He didn’t know why.

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_It was good. School and stuff._ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_so, omaha, I assume you’re not going to tell me where you go to school either, huh?_ **

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Maybe once I figure out you’re not a catfish ;)_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_what, you want a selfie with like a fork on my head?_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Nooo way_ **

**_I prefer a spoon_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_*Image sent*_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Shit._ **

**_I didn’t think you’d actually do it._ **

 

Evan and Connor messaged back and forth for a few more hours. Evan found himself losing track of time, forgetting for the third night in a row to order dinner for himself. He messaged Connor all through the new episode of his favorite tv show, losing his focus and having to rewatch the ending. He texted Connor as he did his homework, which meant his math took him an extra half hour. By the time it was time to go to sleep, they were still messaging. Evan told Connor good night, and Connor did the same. As Evan lay in his bed, he heard the garage door open.

He didn’t stay awake much longer to see his mother come into his room and kiss him goodnight, though. She also took his cell phone from his fingers, placing it on the bedside table without a second thought.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Just a quick reminder I update this story every Sunday and Wednesday :)

_Connor_

Connor had a rough couple of weeks after school started. By the end of September, things were pretty bad with his parents. He’d been using drugs pretty heavily, since he seemed to be getting more depressed. He tried to control his outbursts at home but every time Connor heard his parents arguing about his behavior, things seemed to come crumbling down. Connor was high all the time, and when he wasn’t, he was falling apart. His parents didn’t notice; they never noticed anything. Zoe probably did, but she never talked to him about it.

He talked to Omaha frequently. Pretty much every day since he had first messaged him, they spoke from morning to night. Omaha always went to bed early, so Connor would sometimes leave hoards of messages while he slept.

They talked about everything. Omaha had opened up about his life, how his mom was gone all the time and his dad left when he was six. Omaha tried to pretend his dad didn’t bother him, but Connor knew him well enough that it did. Omaha told Connor about his anxiety as well, how he took medication and had lots of therapy for it. Connor had talked about his home life, mostly the strained relationship with his dad and sister. Tonight, they were talking about Connor’s mom.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_my mom tries but every single time she looks at me like she’s lost something._ **

**_it’s so annoying. it’s always this sad look like im crazy_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Why is she so sad? The drugs or..?_ **

 

Connor hadn’t told Omaha about his past experiences with drugs and he hadn’t mentioned his mental illness either. He took a sharp breath before replying.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_ive tried to commit suicide twice_ **

**_once when I was a sophomore and again last spring._ **

 

He half expected Omaha to recoil back, or change the subject like everyone else, but he didn’t.

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Do you want to talk about it?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_I went to rehab or whatever. my mom had to beg my dad to let me go. he was such a dick about it. he thought i did it for attention_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_The more I hear about your dad, the more i think he’s pretty awful._ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_he is_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Do you still_ **

**_Like_ **

**_Feel like that?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_sometimes_ **

 

Connor drew in a sharp breath when he said it. He had never told that to anyone, not even his therapists in rehab. He always told them he was feeling better. Some days he was, but his life felt like an emotional rollercoaster most of the time. He didn’t want to tell Omaha how often he really thought about it.

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_If you ever feel that way, I want you to tell me. Okay?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_you want me to come crying to you every time i feel like shit?_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Yeah_ **

**_You’re kind of like my closest friend_ **

 

Connor smiled a little, turning his lip upward slightly. He hadn’t had many friends for almost his whole life, and the only friends he had made his life worse, or they were friends from rehab he hardly got to see. He considered Omaha his closest friend too, but he didn’t want to scare him off.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_damn thanks_ **

**_really_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_I told you I have anxiety_ **

**_I get it_ **

**_I tried over the summer_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_really?_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Yeah_ **

**_I guess I kind of knew the height wouldn’t like_ **

**_Kill me_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_Did you...jump from a building?_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Oh, god no_ **

**_A tree_ **

 

 _Figures._ Connor thought.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_well...if you ever like feel like that again_ **

**_you should tell me_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_I will_ **

**_I’m going to go to bed now_ **

**_Goodnight Connor_ **

 

Connor locked his phone screen. He’d never told anyone outside of his family and people in rehab that he had attempted suicide. His parents had never told a soul, probably because they were mortified. They didn’t even really tell Zoe the entire story, though Connor was sure she probably knew it. Connor sighed. He felt okay at the moment but decided to smoke before he went to bed. Once he was done, he lay in his bed, feeling perfectly awake. He shut his eyes anyway.

Hours later, Connor finally felt tired. He opened his messages again.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_hey i know you dont want me to know who you are_ **

**_but i hope we can meet sometime_ **

**_it would be nice._ **

 

He fell asleep.

***

The next morning he woke up to his alarm blaring in his ears. Connor lifted his head from his pillow, already aching. Connor had a hard time falling asleep, and every morning when he woke up he could barely bring himself to move from his bed. He stared out his window from his bed, his heads under the covers. He was looking at a specific tree in his front yard. It was the same tree Omaha had as his profile picture on Twitter. A sycamore, he had said. They were his favorite because of how easily he could climb them, and how they looked gold in the dying light. The one in Connor’s yard took up nearly the entire lawn. It always dropped leaves late, and his entire family considered the tree an ugly pain in the ass. Connor had spent many cold fall days raking leaves for hours, cursing it.

In that moment though, Connor thought the tree looked really beautiful. He wondered if Omaha would enjoy climbing it.

Suddenly, his dad burst in the room. “Connor, it’s time to get up.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Not really feeling it today.”

“Sorry, I’m not your mother.” His father said sternly. “You’re going to school.”

Connor sat up and looked coldly at his dad. “Fine. Can you close the door now?”  
His dad sighed and shut the door. Connor had fallen asleep in his clothes from the night before, so he changed into a fresh pair of jeans and a new shirt.

When it was time to leave, Connor found Zoe already waiting in the car. He turned on the ignition and kept silent. Zoe spoke first.

“What was with you pushing Evan Hansen the other day?” She asked coldly.

“Evan who?”

“After you nearly killed Jared Kleinman,” Zoe responded, rolling her eyes. “You almost knocked him over.”

Connor chuckled. “I honestly don’t even remember doing it.”

“I apologized for you.”

“Wow, thanks for doing that!” Connor replied sarcastically. “I’m sure it made him feel awesome to have my _sister_ apologize for me.”

“You wouldn’t have,” Zoe grumbled.

Connor vaguely remembered Evan Hansen hiding under the teacher’s desk at the first grade Halloween party. He was so quiet, Connor hardly thought about him. Of course, Connor couldn’t really compare Evan hiding a table to some of his own elementary school episodes.

Connor tightened his jaw. “Can you just, like, shut up?”

Zoe sighed. Connor had already parked and was idling, waiting for Zoe to get out of the car.

“Are you not coming?” Zoe questioned.

Connor leaned forward and sarcastically looked at the school. “Sadly, no. I have a funeral today. It’s for my attendance record.” Zoe opened her mouth to say something, but Connor interrupted her. “I’ll come back and drive you home if you don’t tell Mom and Dad.”

Connor could see Zoe flashing back to the bus. “Deal.” She said after a moment.

Zoe got out of the car and walked away quickly. Connor ran his hand through his hair, pulling out of the parking lot.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of where things start to pick up!


	5. Chapter 5

_ Evan _

Connor wasn’t at school again. The more he skipped, the more it worried Evan. Connor had been telling him every time he felt depressed or like he was drowning. Evan sometimes talked to Connor about his own home life too, and Connor listened. He was a good person to talk to. Evan sometimes couldn’t imagine life without Connor, at this point.

Which is why he was worrying. Connor wasn’t a super emotional person, but when he was, it was intense. It was real, and it made Evan worry. He wasn’t a therapist. He didn’t know what to do to help Connor beside being there for him. 

Connor had also asked a couple times if Evan could meet up. Evan always pretended the drive was too long, even though he could walk to the Murphy’s if he wanted to. Evan felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Now he had gone so long not telling Connor who he was, how was he supposed to break the news to him?

As Evan continued to think about this, he saw Connor walk into the school. It was midday, and Evan could tell Connor had just woken up. The dark circles under his eyes were especially purple, and Evan knew he was high by the color of his eyes. The red contrasted with the blue. Evan had never noticed how blue Connor’s eyes were.

Evan suddenly realized Connor Murphy was staring right back at him. Evan let out a shaky breath. Connor now was  _ approaching  _ him.

_ Wow,  _ he thought.  _ I can’t believe Connor is going to murder me before knowing we are best internet friends. What a tragic way to go. _

“How’d you break your arm?” Connor asked once he was standing in front of Evan. Evan couldn’t be sure he heard him right. Why would Connor even ask that? Who even starts a conversation that way, anyway?

Evan opened his mouth to respond, and then realized he would have to make up a fake story on the spot. He had already told Connor about falling out of the tree.

“I...I-um, I fell off a horse.” Evan lied. He was allergic to horses.

Connor didn’t respond for a moment, and Evan silently panicked that he knew he was lying.

“That’s so fucking sad,” Connor laughed. He was genuine. Evan didn’t respond, he just chuckled nervously. “No one’s signed your cast.”

Evan looked down. “Oh, yeah.”

Connor looked at Evan, as if he was waiting for something. Finally, when Evan didn’t respond, he held out his hand. Evan noticed his fingernails were painted a dark black, and his fingers were decorated with different rings. “Do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan nodded, still quiet. Connor Murphy was going to be the first person who ever signed his cast. He handed Connor the black Sharpie, and Connor stared at the cast for a moment as if he were deciding how he was going to sign his name and where.

Finally, Connor signed his name. It was extremely large, across the entire cast. He wrote “CONNOR” in sloppy letters, then stepped back to look back at what he’d done. It was so large, Evan’s first thought was that he wouldn’t be able to hide it from Jared.

“There,” Connor said quietly. “Now we can both pretend we have friends.”

Connor turned and walked away, and Evan couldn’t stop reflecting on the sadness in his voice.

***

When Evan got home, he didn’t have any messages from Connor. He wanted to message him, but he decided to wait for a little while. He decided to write himself a letter for his therapy appointment.

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today has been a good day. Connor Murphy signed your cast today. He seemed sad. I wonder why. I know I should message him and see if he’s okay, but I don’t want him to know I’ve been lying to him. I feel trapped. Connor is my friend now. I don’t want to lose that. So I just _

 

Suddenly, Evan heard a knock at his door. He jumped a mile, slamming his laptop shut. His mom opened the door, standing in the doorway.

“What are you doing home?” Evan asked nervously, biting his lip.

“I got off early.” She informed him. “I was thinking we should go out for an early dinner before I leave for school tonight.”

Evan didn’t want to go, but he hated saying no, especially when his mom seemed set on going. “Okay,” He said finally. There was an awkward silence, as Evan’s mom waited for him to say anything else. He didn’t.

“Okay, let’s leave in about an hour?” 

“Sounds great.”   


It wasn’t that Evan didn’t like his mom. He did, but she was never around. With school and work, she barely knew Evan. She hadn’t even come to the emergency room when Evan broke his arm until three hours later. Talking to the doctors alone was hell for him.

When they left, Heidi chose Evan’s favorite restaurant to eat at. It was a pizza place, decorated in old mirrors in the middle of downtown. It was always quiet, and it was much better than a louder establishment dripping in the sounds of forks scraping plates and laughter.

When they sat down, Evan sheepishly looked at the menu longer than he needed to. He knew what he wanted; he got the same thing every time. Still, he was stressed about why his mom wanted to go to dinner with him, so he avoided putting the menu down until the waiter took his order.

It was quiet for a moment before Evan saw his mom’s eyes catch his cast. He was wearing a sweatshirt over it, but a tiny bit of the cast was showing through.

“Hey!” She cried. “Someone signed your cast.” Reaching her hand out, Evan pulled back slightly. His mom stopped. Evan hadn’t meant to do it, so he rolled up the sleeve. “Connor,” She read aloud.

Evan shrugged. “He signed it today.”   


“I’ve never met a Connor,” His mom pondered. “He has...nice handwriting.”

Evan chuckled. “Neither had I.” That was true. Technically.

Heidi smiled and then continued examining the cast. “Jared didn’t sign it?”

Evan flushed. “Uh, no. He didn’t want to.”

“Why not?” 

Evan wanted to make up a lie, but he couldn’t think of anything, so he told the truth. “He said we're just…  _ family friends. _ ” He admitted.

Evan saw Heidi roll her eyes slightly. “Yeah, because that’s  _ completely _ different.”

Evan laughed. “That’s what he says.”

Heidi smiled softly in response. It had been a long time since she had heard Evan genuinely laugh like that. As they ate their pizza, she asked Evan about school and about his letters. Evan didn’t tell her about Connor, but he wanted to. He hadn’t felt this close to his mom in a long time. So often, he felt a strong disconnect between them. Evan knew his dad leaving had been tough on his mom, just as it had been--and continued to be--tough on Evan; but tonight, Evan’s mom was there. She listened. They laughed together in the near empty pizza parlor, Evan beaming. As they drove home, they told jokes. 

***

Evan came home to seventeen messages from Connor. It wasn’t unusual for Connor to message him frequently when he was gone, his words usually a mess of different thoughts bouncing in every direction. Connor didn’t have a one track mind, and it showed. This time, the messages were all connected. This happened when Connor was upset, usually late at night. Evan heard his mom call from downstairs she was leaving.

“Have fun!” Evan called downstairs, nearly completely occupied with reading Connor’s messages. They started out about Zoe. He had been arguing with her through the door. Evan imagined Zoe standing in the hall while she and Connor picked at each other. Then Connor’s dad got involved, yelling at both Zoe and Connor to stop. He had barged into Connor’s room, and immediately starting to scold him of the smell of marijuana in his room. Connor pushed back, and Connor’s mom tried to calm them both down. Connor’s dad started looking through desk drawers and under his pillow for Connor’s stash. When his dad couldn’t find anything, he demanded to know where Connor hid it. Connor told him he didn’t have any, since he’d used it all. It ended in a screaming match back and forth until his dad left and Connor barricaded the door. He was upset now, his last message only having been sent minutes before. Evan rushed to respond, his fingers shaky.

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Oh my god im so sorry_ **

**_I’ve been at dinner im just seeing this_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_GOD i just dont understand why my parents hate me_ **

**_i know im awful but my dad_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_You’re not awful connor_ **

**_Stop that_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_omaha, i know this is hard to understand_ **

**_but my dad hates my guts_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_I’m sorry_ **

**_What about your mom?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_she wants old connor back_ **

**_i disappoint her so much every day_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Do you ever talk to her about any of this?_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_hell no_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_You should_ **

**_She’s your mom, she loves you_ **

**_She wants to help you_ **

Evan watched nervously as Connor typed for what felt like forever. Evan didn’t know anything about Connor’s mom beside what Connor had told him, but from what Connor had told him, his mom did love him. It was complicated. 

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_maybe tomorrow_ **

**_but im not leaving my room tonight_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Good idea._ **

**_It’s going to be okay_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_idk_ **

  
Evan spent the rest of the night talking to Connor until he fell asleep--for the third time this week--with his cell phone in his hands.


	6. Chapter 6

_Connor_

Connor lay on his bed, listening to his parents loudly arguing downstairs. It had been about a week since Omaha had encouraged him to have a talk with his parents. He didn’t think it would help, but Omaha was sure it would. _They’re your parents,_ He had said. _They would rather you communicate than not._

Connor had decided he was probably right. He emerged from his room, loud pop music blaring from Zoe’s room almost drowning his parent’s argument downstairs. _Almost_. Connor ran through what he wanted to say in his head. Once he started to go downstairs, he heard his dad taking loud steps toward the door. As he opened the front door, his eyes met with Connor’s.

“Larry, wait.” Connor’s mother called.

“I’m going on a drive.” Larry replied angrily, putting his coat on and heading out the door.

The house was quiet for a moment, excluding Zoe’s shitty music. Then, he heard his mother cry. It was a broken sort of cry, it sounded like giving up. Connor’s stomach twisted in response to hearing it. He had heard a cry like this too many times before.

He waited a moment, trying to decide whether or not he should go say something to her. He decided it wasn’t the right time right now. He turned to walk back upstairs, and from behind him he heard his mother.

“Oh! Connor. I’m so sorry sweetie, I didn’t realize--”

Connor turned to look at her. She had just been crying, yet looked completely put together again, not even a wrinkle on her shirt. “Um, sorry...I was just--”

“Do you need something?” She asked hopefully, her eyes still shining with tears.

This was it. Connor knew this would be the perfect time to tell his mom, when his dad wasn’t around. “I wanted to … talk to you about something.”

Connor told her. He told her everything. She just listened, her eyes filled with tears the entire time. She didn’t rush to say or do much, other than awkwardly hugging Connor and telling him she loved him about a hundred times through sobs. It honestly felt like every other time Connor had been in the hospital for suicide attempts, but he let her cry. She was his mother, after all.

When he was done talking to his mom, he walked back up to his room. He could hear his mom go to a computer and start typing furiously. It was then he noticed Zoe’s music had been turned off. As he reached for the doorknob to his room, he saw Zoe emerge from her room, eyes cold.

“What were you telling mom?” She questioned.

Connor rolled his eyes and walked into his room. “None of your business.”

Zoe followed him, standing in the doorway. “I heard you.” She didn’t sound accusatory, but rather like she was concerned. It bothered Connor. She had never cared before, she didn’t deserve to care now.

Connor ignored what she had said. “Get the hell out, please and thank you.”

Zoe turned and went back to her room, turning her music back on. Connor had no idea how she possibly could study with her music playing so loudly. He sent a message to Omaha.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_I told my mom._ **

 

Then, he fell asleep. It was early--especially for Connor, but his eyelids felt heavy when he rested his head on his pillow. When he woke up, he heard his parents arguing again, even louder than before. His mom was sobbing, and his dad’s words were cold and calculated. It wasn’t out of place, and Connor was about to put headphones on to drown out the noise when he heard his name. _Connor._ Then he heard a different word. _Suicide._

Connor was now fully awake, trying to listen to his parents from beneath his covers. _Attention._

His dad’s voice was getting closer, until he heard steps coming up the stairs and his mom loudly sobbing. The kitchen made it echo even worse. Connor wondered for a split second how she hadn’t figured that out yet.

Connor’s dad barged into his room without knocking, like he always did. Connor sat up in the bed, staring back at him. His dad’s face wasn’t sad, it wasn’t pained. It was _angry._

“You told your mother you wanted to kill yourself?” He asked. His voice wasn’t raised, but his eyes told another story.

“Yes,” Connor admitted, immediately regretting telling his mom.

“Connor,” His father said through gritted teeth. “It’s time to grow up. If you want attention, the first thing you could start doing is being nicer to your own damn family! Your mother will let you say what you want, but I am tired of this. Do you know the strain this is putting on the family? On me?” His voice was loud now. Connor fired back.

“I need _help!_ I don’t need to start being fucking nice to Zoe to help with my depression!” Connor yelled.

Connor’s dad narrowed his eyes. “Back on this ‘depression’ bullshit! We spent _twenty thousand dollars_ on your yoga retreat--”

“--Rehab.”  
“Whatever you want to call it, you aren’t grateful at all. I send you to some program for an entire month. You come home, and now you’re saying you feel the same way? Connor, this is getting ridiculous! I give you everything. The life you live, the things you have--”

“Stop!” Connor yelled. “I’m not lying, I--”

Larry interrupted Connor, his voice shaking with rage. “Why can’t you go back to how things were? Why? I don’t understand why you’re so miserable and set on bringing the entire family down with you. It’s time to _stop,_ Connor.”

His dad turned, slamming the door behind him. Connor sank back on the bed, breathing hard. For a moment, he was silent. Then, he stood up, pacing back and forth. He didn’t cry. He had too many emotions in that moment to react in any way. He picked up the glass from his bedside table and threw it at the wall, causing it to shatter loudly. Connor suddenly let out a loud sob, followed by himself running his hands through his long hair. It hit him how much he wished he could smoke. He threw the rest of the things on his bedside table at the wall, but they were small things like pens or buttons. Angry tears were running down his face, and he yelled out. His parents didn’t call up to him. They didn’t care. They didn’t care. They didn’t fucking care. They didn’t care whether he was dead or alive.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. Connor wiped his face and looked at the screen.

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_How did it go?_ **

 

Connor’s fingers shook as he typed his response.

 

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_they don’t give a shit about me_ **

**_they dont care_ **

**_im sucha disspointment_ **

**_i want to die so bad_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Connor no_ **

**_What happened_ **

**_Please talk to me._ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_everyone would be better if i was dead omaha_ **

**_dont refute it they would be happier_ **

**_they would_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_I wouldn’t_ **

**_@Connor.Murphy:_ **

**_shut the fck up yes you would_ **

**_if i didn’t exist you could be having a normal tuesday_ **

**_im sorry_ **

**_im so sorry_ **

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Connor stop_ **

**_Connor_ **

**_Connor please_ **

**_I know you’re reading this_ **

**_Connor please respond_ **

**_Connor youre scaring me_ **

**_connor_ **


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is impulsive. 
> 
> This is new.

_ Evan _

Evan’s heart was beating out of his chest. Connor wouldn’t respond to a single message he sent. The longer he stared at the screen, the more terrified he got. The reality was there: Connor was threatening suicide. Evan paled thinking about it. He told Connor to talk with his parents and this is what he had done. Evan felt personally responsible. 

His mom was still at school, and wouldn’t be back for hours. He sent another message, and waited a moment. The message, once again, went unread. Evan took a shaky breath. He didn’t know what to do. Connor could be dying. Evan wanted to curse the Murphy’s. He wished he hadn’t told him to confront them. He pushed Connor to do this. Obviously there had been a damn reason Connor hadn’t done this before. 

_ Evan, shut the fuck up for one second.  _ He told himself. This wasn’t about him. Evan knew that. He couldn’t help himself, though. Connor wasn’t responding, and even though it had only been about ten minutes, Evan looked outside at the dark street, lit orange by street lights. He took a breath. He had to help. He wasn’t going to let Connor die. 

Evan put on the first pair of shoes he found, and the sweatshirt his mom bought him two years ago in Seattle. He knew where the Murphy’s lived. It was about a ten minute walk from Evan’s house if he cut through the Elementary school yard. He rushed out the door, into the cold late September air. He walked with a purpose, passing his neighbor’s homes, all dark. Evan didn’t want to look at his phone to see what time it was, in fear of losing the nerve and returning home. He jumped as a car turned onto the street, fearing he would be kidnapped. The car drove on, ignoring Evan. He let out the air he’d been holding through his nose. 

He kept walking, quickening his pace as to get to Connor as fast as he could. He approached the locked gate of the school yard, wondering how long it would  _ really  _ take him to take the sidewalk to Connor’s. He knew it would take an extra five or ten minutes. An extra five or ten minutes he didn’t have. Evan hadn’t stopped to think about what he was doing or what he would even say to Connor if he was okay. Connor didn’t know Evan was the person on the other side of the conversations they had. He remembered when Connor signed his cast. He didn’t hate Evan that much, did he? He was willing to scribble ‘CONNOR’ across Evan’s cast. Connor didn’t have any friends at school. Evan never saw him talking to friends, and Evan knew Connor ate alone outside during lunch.

Evan couldn’t scale up the side of the fence with his broken arm, but he knew a spot in the fence he could crawl under. It was a small opening, and as Evan squeezed through, he felt the wire press into the skin of his back. Once he was under, he stood up quickly, hurrying across the lawn. He was only minutes away from the Murphy’s. He couldn’t stop thinking about Connor. 

Once he was on the other side, he returned to the sidewalk. He could see the Murphy’s street from where he was. He walked even faster, nearly running. He turned on Connor’s street--he now realized he was calling it that instead of Zoe’s street--and sprinted past the large homes. He wasn’t exactly sure which one was Connor’s; they all looked the same at night. He looked for any indicator that one of the houses was Connor’s, and his eyes locked on Connor’s car sitting pristinely by the curb. There was one light on in the house, and Evan knew it must be Connor’s room. He hoped that was a good sign. Connor had the light on. Would he have turned it off before he hurt himself?

Evan didn’t want to knock on the door, worried he would tip off Connor’s parents. He couldn’t throw rocks at Connor’s window, he didn’t even know if that was Connor’s room, it was just a hunch.

Connor hadn’t been responding to Evan’s messages, but Evan decided to try one more time. 

 

**_@ChillSycamore:_ **

**_Connor_ **

**_Don’t kill me but im outside_ **

**_I’m outside your house goddammit please answer me_ **

 

Evan didn’t want to wait around for Connor to answer. He had to knock on Connor’s front door. He prayed Connor was the one who answered the door. If Zoe answered Evan would die. Evan imagined absent-mindedly what would happen if he fainted on the Murphy doorstep when Zoe opened the door.

Evan stared at the tall front door for a moment, afraid to knock. Then he remembered what Connor had said. He knew he couldn’t leave it alone. Connor was Evan’s friend. He was Evan’s  _ best friend. His only friend.  _

Evan lifted his hand to knock, but before he could, the door swung open. Standing in the doorway was Connor Murphy.

Relief flushed through Evan’s body to see Connor standing in front of him. His hair was a mess, like he had been pulling at it. His eyes were bright red, matching his red cheeks and nose. It wasn’t the same as when Connor was high though. Evan knew he had been crying. He could see the residue from the tears on his face. Evan also noticed Connor was wearing the clothes he had been earlier at school, instead of pajamas. It was so late at night.

Evan had been so occupied observing Connor, he realized he hadn’t even thought was he was going to say to him. He hadn’t prepared for Connor’s reaction upon finding out Omaha was actually Evan Hansen from school.

“What the  _ hell _ ?” Connor sneered. “Oh my god.”

Evan felt his heart start racing. “You’re...you’re okay.” It was a stupid thing to say. Connor was obviously  _ not  _ okay.

Connor laughed dryly. “No shit.”

Evan knew Connor was mad. Connor closed the front door behind him until they were both standing on the porch.

“So what do you want?” Connor asked, eerily calm.

“Huh? I don’t want--I don’t want anything. I just … needed to make sure you were okay.” Evan stammered, looking for the right thing to say to him.

“You want to show everything I said to you to everyone at school?” Connor asked, his voice cracking. “So they can see how messed up I am? How my family hates me?”

Evan shook his head roughly. “No! I would never do that.”

Connor’s eyes were cold staring down at Evan. He was breathing heavily. “Why did you do it then? You didn’t have your name on your profile. Nothing. How was I supposed to know it was you? Why wouldn’t you tell me who you were? Oh my god. You lied to me.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “No! I just...if you knew it was me, would you have messaged me?”

“Doesn’t fucking matter. I hate liars.” Connor shot back, clenching his jaw.

“I just...I was scared you were going to--”

“Kill myself?” Connor hissed, almost laughing. Evan took a step back. 

He nodded.

Connor let out a breath and spoke calmer. “Well, I’m alive.”

Evan nodded slowly again, as if trying to reassure himself too. 

Connor’s voice heated up again. “So now you know, you can leave my fucking house!”

Evan felt his face go hot. He quickly turned around and walked toward the street, his heart beating so fast Evan wondered if he was going to have a heart attack. He heard Connor’s front door shut--or slam--and the reality of what just happened set in. Connor Murphy hated Evan’s guts. Evan started walking home, thinking about how he had lost Connor’s friendship. He walked briskly, oblivious to anything going on around him. It wasn’t until he was at the end of Connor’s street he realized he was crying. He was sobbing. He tried to wipe the snot from his nose as he cried, but he couldn’t stop himself. He stood by the stop sign bathed in the orange hue from the street lights and wailed like a toddler.

Evan felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, and he pulled it out and looked at the screen. His mom was calling. He tried to gain control of his voice, and answered.

“Hello?”

“Evan? Where are you?” His mom’s voice was fearful. He should have left her a note. She was probably worried sick.

“I--I’m--Can you come and pick me up?”  Evan didn’t want to explain. 

“Of course.”

Evan told her where he was, and hung up. He sat in the grass, waiting. He continued to cry until his mom’s car pulled up. She rushed over to him from the driver’s side, kneeling down beside him. She wiped the tears from his eyes, even though Evan continued to cry. She didn’t ask questions, something Evan was extremely grateful for. The ride home was anything but silent, Evan still sobbed loudly the entire way. The only thing Evan’s mom did was squeeze his hand as they drove. Once they got home, Evan trudged to his room. Heidi came as well, simply hugging him before turning out the light.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does sitting together at lunch make you friends? Connor and Evan don't really know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyyyy what's up pals so usually I update this story Wednesdays and Sundays but I was feeling generous and I'm in a good mood so like here's another chapter since y'all got hit hard with angst last time.

_ Connor _

Connor woke up the next morning feeling achy. He unlocked his phone, choosing not to send a message to Omaha.

_ Evan. _

Connor furrowed his eyebrows remembering who was on the other end. He had blown up at Evan the night before, and he didn’t feel much better right now. He thought back on the things he’d told Evan, about being suicidal, his family. He regretted every word. Even if Evan didn’t tell anyone what Connor had said, he would still pity him. Connor hated pity, which is why he tried to keep to himself. His mom’s sad eyes drove him nuts. Now he had to deal with it at school too.

The drive to school was totally silent. Connor didn’t want to turn on his music, even though the highlight of his day was often irritating Zoe with the loud guitars. Connor knew Zoe had heard his dad yell at him last night, but she didn’t ask about it. She didn’t tease him. For once, he was grateful. When they arrived at school, Connor waited in his car for a moment as Zoe walked inside. He stared across the parking lot, focusing on the students who were also arriving for school. He saw kids he didn’t know, and kids he’d known for as long as he could remember. 

He heard the sound of tires screeching behind him, and he turned his head in curiosity. Jared Kleinman pulled into a parking spot about ten spaces to Connor’s right. Connor could see Evan Hansen in the front seat, breathing heavily. Connor laughed under his breath. The poor kid was probably about to throw up. When Evan got out of the car, he straightened the straps on his backpack, pulling the sleeves of his sweatshirt down nervously.

Connor realized he was trying to cover his cast. The cast that had Connor’s name scribbled across it. As Evan and Jared walked past Connor’s car, Connor looked straight ahead, fixing his eyes on a nearby fire hydrant. He could feel Evan’s eyes on his back the entire time.

Once they were out of sight, Connor got out of his car. He nervously picked at his black nail polish, listening to his music as loud as he could. He tried to ignore everyone around him, staring at his feet.

Then, he felt someone walking beside him. He turned his head to see Daniel Gray, his green eyes shining mischievously. Daniel was an absolute dick and shared a couple classes with Connor at school. He also happened to be Connor’s dealer.

“Hey, so, Connor.” He said, walking beside Connor casually. “I hate to tell you this, but you owe me money.”

Connor stopped, looking at Daniel. “What? I paid you already. I haven’t bought weed for two weeks.”

Daniel laughed. “Yeah, about that. I raised my price. Don’t know if I told you before you sent the money.”

Connor narrowed his eyes. “You didn’t. I’m not paying you, dude.”

Daniel’s relaxed expression disappeared. “Connor, I need the money.”

“You’re not getting the money.” Connor replied, staring into Daniel’s eyes. 

Daniel pushed Connor by his shoulders. “Stop being an asshole. If you don’t pay me, I’m going to have to tell the VPs.”

Connor was about to say he didn’t care, but he didn’t want a suspension to add to his parents stress. Still, he was angry. He didn’t have the money.

“I can’t fucking pay you. I don’t have anything.”

Before anything escalated, someone wedged themselves between Connor and Daniel. It was Evan Hansen.

***

Evan wasn’t the  _ best  _ at talking. He didn’t help much to descalate the situation, since he stumbled over his words so much. What he did do was keep Connor and Daniel from arguing. Daniel gave up after a while, annoyed. He walked off, seemingly giving up on the argument with Connor. That left Connor and Evan standing across from each other in the hallway.

Connor didn’t say a word, but Evan did. “Connor. I’m--I’m sorry about last night, really I am.”

Connor wanted to forget about it. He shook his head. “Look, I just want to forget about it. It’s embarrassing.”

Evan shifted his weight to his left foot. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you, or whatever, I just...I don’t know.”

Connor hadn’t forgiven Evan, but he wasn’t filled with rage like he had been last night. He felt neutral. He knew Omaha; He didn’t know Evan. All he knew about Evan is that Connor had signed his cast. He still hadn’t connected the information he’d learned about Omaha to Evan. It felt like they were two different people.

“Look,” Connor said, sighing. “I’m going to sit outside by the bleachers at lunch. If you want to join, I wouldn’t kick your ass.”

Evan smiled a little. “Okay,” He didn’t say anything else, leaving an awkward silence between the two boys. Connor pursed his lips, gesturing down the hallway.

“I’m going to go,” Connor said, his voice trailed off.

Evan stiffened up. “Oh! Yeah, um, sorry. Yeah. See you at lunch.”

Connor waved hesitantly before spinning around to walk away.

***

Connor sat outside at the bleachers, quietly waiting for Evan. It wasn’t cold yet, so it was still comfortable for Connor to sit in the autumn air. As lunch continued on, Connor wondered if Evan would show up. He immediately decided he didn’t care whether or not he did. If Evan was scared of Connor, so be it. So was everyone else.

“Uh, hi.” Connor heard. He looked up. Evan was standing in front of him, his right hand positioned awkwardly on his cast. 

Connor smiled slightly, scooting over so Evan had somewhere to sit. Evan hesitated. “You don’t have to,” Connor added.

Evan shook his head. “No, it’s fine.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Evan taking out his brown sack lunch. He ate for a moment before realizing Connor wasn’t eating anything. “Oh! I’m sorry, I should have asked, do you want some?”

Connor was about to say no, but he was hungry. “What do you have?”

Evan rattled off the list of things in his lunch bag. “Sandwich, apples, wafers, cupcake, juice box--”

“Can I have the apple?” Connor asked, and Evan nodded in response. He handed Connor a plastic baggy of apple slices, and Connor opened it. He took a bite of one of the pieces and looked ahead.

“So,” Connor wondered, leaning back. “How’d you break your arm?”

Evan looked confused. “I told you.”  
Connor took another bite of the apple slice. “You told me two different things. How did you actually break your arm?”

Evan shifted uncomfortably. “I fell out of the tree.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. 

Evan shook his head. “I...I mean. I don’t want to talk about about it. Right now, at least. Maybe...maybe another time?”

Connor felt bad about asking after he’d done it. Evan never pressed Connor for details about his life. He let Connor talk about things when he was ready. Connor was still skeptical, that was all.

“Sorry,” Connor apologized. “I just didn’t know if you..” He let himself trail off.

Evan shook his head. “It’s okay. I told you, you can ask about it. Just not...not here.”

Evan said that, but Connor knew he didn’t want to talk about it. So he didn’t ask anything. Instead, Connor handed Evan his phone.

Evan stared at the phone in his lap, raising one eyebrow. Connor flipped his hair out of his face. “Just..like, put your number in or whatever.”

Evan smiled, happily typing his number into Connor’s contacts. When he handed Connor his phone back, the bell rang. Evan stood up quickly, and Connor lingered. Evan looked at him, concerned.

“Are you...going back to class?” He asked.

Connor looked at the school, not really sure. “I don’t know. You wouldn’t be up to ditch, would you?”

Evan shook his head too quickly, and then regretted it. “I mean, I have a big test next period so--”

Connor held his hand up to stop Evan was rambling. “It’s cool. I’ll catch you later.” Evan seemed relieved, and Connor decided to go to his last class. It was only an hour.

“Jared is probably wondering where I am,” Evan worried. “I’m going to go.”

Connor nodded, silently wondering as Evan hurried away how anyone could  _ enjoy  _ spending time with Jared.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends hang out, right? That's how this works?

_ Evan _

Connor texted Evan early the next day. It was a Saturday, and Evan rolled over groggily in his bed to a short message.

 

**_Connor:_ **

**_What are you up to today?_ **

 

Evan sat up in his bed, reading the message a few times. Was Connor asking to be polite, or was he trying to hang out? Should Evan tell the truth and say he had no plans, or should he make his life seem busy? After a few minutes of deliberation, Evan decided he was thinking about it too much.

 

**_Evan:_ **

**_Nothing_ **

**_Connor:_ **

**_You wanna do something?_ **

**_Evan:_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Sure_ **

**_What are we doing?_ **

**_Connor:_ **

**_Pick you up at 9. See you later_ **

 

Evan lay in his bed for a moment, processing. He was about to spend the day with Connor Murphy.  _ Connor Murphy.  _ He was stressed, but not uneasy. As he sat and pondered more, he looked at the clock on his phone.  _ 8:27. _

Evan jumped out of his sheets, quickly making his bed out of habit. He started getting dressed, picking out the first set of clothes he found. He ran to the bathroom to start brushing his teeth. He didn’t have time for breakfast. As he furiously brushed his teeth, his mom came into the bathroom. Evan jumped.

“What are you doing up so early?” She asked, yawning.

“What? I was just, um, brushing my teeth!” Evan replied, not really answering her question. “I thought you’d be...um...at work.”

Heidi shook her head. “I don’t have a shift today, and I realize you’re brushing your teeth,” She smiled. “I’m wondering where you’re going so early.”

Evan shrugged, pretending to be nonchalant but most likely failing miserably. “With a friend.”

Heidi’s eyes lit up. “Who?”

Evan didn’t care to tell her who. He didn’t think Heidi would know who Connor was, minus that he’d signed Evan’s cast, but he didn’t want to tell her. “Jared,” He lied.

She smiled. “That’s great! Tell him to tell his mom I said hello.”

Evan combed through his hair quickly. “Will do.”

His mom headed back toward her room, quietly shutting the door behind her. Evan finished combing his hair and checked the time. It was 8:55. Just minutes before Connor was supposed to arrive. 

Evan went down to the front room the looked out onto the driveway, nervously waiting for Connor’s car to pull into the driveway. He’d texted Connor his address, but he worried he would get lost. What if he typed in the address wrong and Connor thought he was trying to avoid hanging out? 

As Evan pondered these things, Connor’s car pulled into the driveway. Evan took a deep breath before stepping out onto the porch. He expected Connor to be blasting music, but Evan couldn’t hear anything. Evan got into the passenger side, looking over to Connor.

“Hi,” Evan said shyly. 

“Hey,” Connor replied, backing out of the driveway. Once they were in the street, Connor turned on his stereo. Here was the music. It was loud and brash, and Evan couldn’t help but wonder how  _ anyone  _ listened to this.

“So...um, where are we going?” Evan asked. Connor laughed a little in response. 

“Not into surprises, Hansen?”

Evan shrugged. “Not necessarily.”

Connor smiled. “You’ll have to get over it then, because I’m not telling you.”

Evan smiled a little too, leaning back and watching out the window. Connor was heading west, which was out of town. As one of Connor’s heavy metal songs ended, Evan noticed a stark contrast in the next song that played. It was the sound of piano and violins, and Evan immediately recognized the song.

“Is this...The Addams Family?” Evan asked. He didn’t need to, it was. It was  _ One Normal Night,  _ a fast paced song Evan had heard only a handful of times. The school had done the show the semester Evan worked on stage crew. 

Connor nodded. “Yup. Wednesday Addams was my shit man.”

Evan wanted to laugh out loud, but he didn’t.  _ Connor Murphy liked musical theatre. _ That was a new one. 

Connor coughed. “I helped with sound when the school did the show. It...it’s a good album.” He was explaining, sounding almost nervous. Evan smiled. Connor  _ was  _ human.

They had been driving for a while now, and Evan stared out the window at the green fields that seemed to stretch on forever. The window was rolled down, and Evan let the cool autumn air blow through his hair. Connor didn’t say much.

Before Evan knew it, they were stopping. Even looked around, not familiar with his surroundings. He hadn’t ever been to this part of town, at least not that he could remember. They were in front of a lone shop, painted the color of a pepto bismol bottle. Evan looked over at Connor.

“Where are we?” He asked.

Connor was already getting out of the car. “A la mode, man. The best ice cream place on earth, probably.”

Evan quickly got out of the car, trailing behind Connor. It occurred to Evan how little he really knew about Connor. The small things, anyway. Like his favorite color, or his most embarrassing moment. The happy things. Of course, Evan was about to learn one thing: his favorite ice cream flavor.

Evan and Connor walked through the door into A La Mode, which was like a ghost town. No wonder Connor liked it. Evan did too. Evan and Connor both stood over the glass, looking at the different flavors of ice cream he could choose. Evan’s favorite was just vanilla, though he sometimes like to add gummy bears when he could. Connor already knew was he wanted: a chocolate dipped waffle cone with two scoops of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Evan opted for a more practical cup, and decided not to get the gummy bears since he only had four dollars anyway. 

As they sat down, Evan wasn’t sure what to say. Connor sat in front of Evan in all black, licking a cone covered in pink sprinkles. Evan noticed the black nail polish chipping on his fingernails, his long fingers decorated with different rings. His jacket had tons of funny pins on it, probably pawned from a gas station on a road trip or something.

“So,” Connor finally said. “Are we going to talk or are you just going to stare at me?”

Evan blushed a deep red. “Sorry. I just was looking at the pins on your jacket.”

Connor’s blue eyes lit up when Evan said it. It was the first time Connor had seen true joy on Connor Murphy’s face. 

“Oh, these?” Connor replied proudly, pretending to be nonchalant. “I just picked them up here and there.”

Evan didn’t know what most of them meant, but that was okay. He knew he would get to know someday. Just as he was about to ask about the black one with a pink venus symbol on it, his phone started ringing. He assumed it was his mom.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Evan apologized. “Give me a sec.”

Evan stood up, answering his cell phone when Connor was out of earshot. It wasn’t his mom, it was Jared. 

“Hey Evan!” Jared said through the other side of the phone. “Want to come over and play video games? Unless you have some big plans, or something.”

Evan knew Jared had added the last phrase as a joke, but Evan replied, “Sorry. I can’t, I’m not home.”

“Oh, sorry. Weekend ‘bonding’ trip with Heidi? Send her my love,” Evan could almost see Jared smirking on the other end. 

“Uh, n-no,” Evan said shakily. “I’m...uh...with a friend.”

Jared was quiet for a second, probably confused. Jared was Evan’s only...family friend. Finally, he said, “Uh, who the hell are you with? Is your cousin in town or something?”  
Evan scratched his head. “I’m...with Connor Murphy?”

Jared left an even longer pause. “Is that a question or an answer? You’re not actually with Marilyn Manson himself, are you?”  
Evan looked back at Connor, who was watching him intently. Evan sighed. “Yeah, I am. I’ll call you back later, okay? Maybe we can play video games tomorrow.”

“Alrighty, then. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Jared said.

_ Click. _

Evan took a deep breath and returned to the table with Connor. He smiled at Connor and touched the pin he wanted to ask about on his chest gently. “So, about this one,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I am actually kind of shocked that anyone is reading this story. When I wrote it I didn't really expect anyone to read it or care about it, lmao  
> Thanks for sitting through part one of two of the obligatory "for forever" scene in this tree bros fanfiction. I KNOW ITS OVERDONE. a la mode was just too tempting not to write about. Anyway. Happy sunday!! hope you all have a great day !!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor goes back. Evan comes. Mr. Mark is a punk ass bitch.

_Connor_

Connor watched Evan intently as he spoke on the phone across the room. He looked slightly uncomfortable, and Connor found himself wondering who Evan could possibly be on the phone with. Judging by his uncomfortable exterior, he was talking to Jared.

Evan was wearing a simple button up, paired with blue jeans that were clearly too short. When Evan returned to the table, he apologized profusely before pointing to the pink pin that Connor was wearing on his jacket. 

“What about this one?” Evan asked, pressing his finger gently against the pin. Connor flinched at the sudden contact, but immediately started explaining. 

“It’s for feminism,” Connor replied simply. “Women’s rights? Also my shit.”

Evan laughed, the first time Connor had heard him laugh without a nervousness to it. They talked for a while longer, mostly about the different pins Connor had picked up on all the family road trips he got dragged on, at concerts, or in random gift shops up north. When they were both done with ice cream, Connor could tell Evan didn’t really know what was next. 

Connor stood up, nodding his head toward the door. “You ready to go?”

Evan stood up too quickly, nearly knocking the chair down. Embarrassed, he returned the chair to its upright position, and stood awkwardly in front of Connor. “Yeah. I mean, yes. Yes.”

They exited A La Mode, Connor leading Evan back to the car. Connor didn’t say much, instead resigning himself to thought. It seemed like Evan was afraid of Connor. Maybe he was just nervous? Connor had to remind himself that Evan had anxiety and was probably just being himself. 

As they drove the winding road to the orchard, Evan didn’t ask where they were going, though Connor knew Evan didn’t have a clue. Connor found himself looking over at Evan as he leaned against the window, letting the wind blow through his hair. Connor reminded himself to look to the road. This really wasn’t the time for something like this.

As Connor pulled into the abandoned parking lot of the orchard, he watched Evan look around, clearly confused. 

“Is this...the old orchard?” Evan asked, his eyes wandering around the trees. Connor could see his eyes light up. Connor hadn’t come to the orchard since he was a kid, usually for the purpose of avoiding the places his family used to go when things were better. Today though, he wanted Evan to see it, since it had some trees Evan would probably like to see.

“Yeah,” Connor replied, looking over to Evan. “Have you been before?”

Evan shook his head sheepishly. “No, I worked at Ellison State Park this summer though. We should go there--sometime.” Evan had frozen up after he said it, obviously nervous at how Connor would respond. 

Connor looked on, smiling slightly. “Yeah. That would be fun.”

They both got out of the car, walking side by side through the overgrown parking lot toward the rows of trees. Entering the field, the grass had grown up to their waists, though it was higher on Evan since he was shorter. They walked for a bit, talking about school ( _ “Fuck Mr. Mark” “I like Mr. Mark” “Mr. Mark is a punk ass bitch” _ ). It was early afternoon, and it was slightly chilly even in plain sunshine. 

“Where are we going?” Evan finally asked, though Connor could tell by the way he said it he had been waiting to ask since they left A La Mode. Connor shrugged. 

“Not sure.” Connor replied honestly.

Eventually, they were pretty deep into the property, and Connor decided to lay down in the grass. Evan nervously laid beside him, his hands folded perfectly on his chest. Connor stretched his arms above his head, trying to soak in the little warmth the sun provided. Evan was doing the same, his eyes closed and a faint smile on his lips. Connor had a long piece of grass between his fingers. They lay in comfortable silence for a few minutes, before Connor finally broke his silence. 

“When your mom found out, what did she say?” Connor asked, suddenly nervous.

Evan opened his eyes, looking over at Connor. “Found out about what?”

Connor’s eyes didn’t meet Evan’s. He stared straight ahead at the blue sky above. “That you...tried.”

Evan’s voice dropped. “Oh. She um...she doesn’t know.”

Connor allowed himself to look at Evan now, confused. “She doesn’t?”

Evan shook his head. “I haven’t told  _ anyone. _ It took me...it took me awhile to come to terms with it myself. She just thought I fell out of the tree and broke my arm. I thought it was high enough, I really did.”

Connor didn’t say anything else about it.

“I’m sorry,” Evan said quietly. “I’m sorry I told you to tell your parents.”  
Connor shrugged. “Don’t be sorry.”

Evan sat up, his face slightly pink. “No. I shouldn’t have given advice I can’t even follow. It’s hypocritical and stupid.”

Connor didn’t want to let Evan sit and wallow in regret, so he jumped up. Evan looked at Connor, clearly not understanding. Connor reached his hand down to Evan, helping him up. When Evan was on his two feet, he pulled his hand away.

“Damn Hansen. Your hand feels like ice. Are you cold?”

Evan shook his head. “Cold? Nope. Not me! I am perfectly cozy.”

Connor rolled his eyes, unzipping his jacket. He held it out to Evan, who once again didn’t understand. Connor raised his eyebrows, pushing it closer to Evan’s chest. “Take it.” He urged.

Evan took the jacket cautiously, pulling it over himself. He smiled. “Thanks.”

Connor shrugged nonchalantly. The jacket was long on Evan. They stood in silence for a moment, not saying anything. Connor’s stomach flipped. Connor turned, moving uphill. 

“Come on!” He called to Evan behind him. It was hard to navigate the hill since the grass camouflaged any rocks and snake holes, but Connor was able to easily play off the times he stumbled. Evan however, fell about seventy times. Once they reached the edge of the field, they stood in a grove of Sycamore trees, like the ones in Connor’s front yard, but grander. Evan looked up at them, smiling. 

“I wonder what this place would look like from up there,” Connor wondered aloud, running his hand across the trunks of the trees. It felt like Connor and Evan were the first people to have been there, though this was disproved by the multiple carvings in the tree. Evan rolled his eyes when he saw them.

“Pieces of shit,” He muttered under his breath. Connor hadn’t heard Evan swear before. He hated to admit it, but he kind of liked it. As soon as he thought it, he wanted to hit himself in the face. Thinking gay thoughts in front of Evan was not how he wanted to spend his afternoon.

“How would you like it,” Evan continued, “If someone just carved their headass initials into your skin?”  
Connor laughed loudly. He imagined someone walking around with a scar that said, _Ali and Nick forever and ever._ He also thought it was funny how angry Evan was. Evan could hang around with Jared Kleinman and listen to his stupid jokes day after day and not say a word, but the second he saw vandalism on some sycamore trees he went off.

“That’s too bad,” Connor said musingly. “I wanted to carve our names into the tree.”  
Evan didn’t reply. “What--”

Connor gently pushed Evan’s shoulder. “I’m kidding.”

“Oh,” Evan sighed, then laughed. “Sorry.”

They spent the rest of the afternoon in the sycamore grove. 

“This is my new favorite place,” Evan said later as they lay underneath the branches. 

Connor had his eyes closed, but he said gently, “Yeah. It’s...it’s something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a tiny bit shorter than my usual chapter length *shrugs*  
> anyway, hope you enjoyed this.  
> in other news, i am really so sad about the news that Great Comet is closing. it's in my top five fave shows so this is pretty much the saddest thing after deh closing or something.  
> also....connor? a feminist? it's absolutely more likely than you think.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's jacket.  
> Oh, god.  
> Connor's jacket.

_ Evan _

Evan and Connor sat beneath the branches for a long time. Connor had fallen asleep about thirty minutes ago, but Evan lay perfectly awake. It was a beautiful point in the afternoon, the light turning gold as the sun moved through the sky. Evan fiddled with the different pins on Connor’s jacket, buttoning and unbuttoning the pockets. As he did so, Connor awoke. He lay in the grass, not asking why Evan was looking through his pockets.

***

They had to leave quite suddenly. Evan realized he hadn’t texted his mom, and his phone had already died. He sat up quickly.

“Shit,” Evan swore.

Connor looked over at him. “What?”  
“I haven’t texted my mom.”

Connor rolled onto his side, propping his head on his arm. “You want to go?”

Evan looked at his surroundings. The trees, the sun, the quiet, even Connor. He  _ didn’t  _ want to leave, to be completely honest. He could have stayed for hours.

Still, Evan nodded. 

Connor got up, stretching once he was standing. Evan was still on the ground, and he noticed the sun peeking through the hair on Connor’s head. He seemed to notice a lot of things, now he was in person with him. Connor looked at Evan, furrowing his brow in question.

“You good?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah, sorry.” Connor helped him up.

They walked back together, making small conversation. Connor didn’t seem cold, though as evening approached the cold seemed to be creeping up on them. Evan suddenly felt a pang of guilt for taking Connor’s jacket. He had probably wanted it back long ago.

“Oh,” Evan said, starting to take off Connor’s jacket. “I’m sorry. I should have given this back.”

Connor rolled his eyes, a smile playing on his lips. “It’s fine. You can give it back later.”

As they started the drive home, Evan watched out the window. Connor didn’t play any music this time, and Evan decided not to ask why. Instead, he tried to make more small talk.

“So...how did you know about that place?” He asked, looking over at Connor, whose eyes were locked on the road. 

“Where? The orchard?” Connor asked. Evan nodded. Connor sighed, “I used to come a lot with my family before it closed.”

Evan looked over at Connor, his stone expression unmoving. “You used to come with your family? Like on outings?”

Connor nodded, his face obviously pained. Evan started to wish he hadn’t asked. “We used to come during the summer. When we were young, Zoe and I used to play with this control plane by the creek. We came a lot even as we got older. Things weren’t...perfect then. They haven’t ever been. There were good days, though. Most of them were here.”

Evan gulped. “Are there still good days?”

Connor blinked. “Yeah. There are, believe it or not. My parents...I take a lot of them. Zoe, too. Um. But it’s mostly my dad. He’s shitty. It’s complicated. It’s hard. I don’t know.”

Evan found himself reaching over the middle console to touch Connor’s arm. He meant it as a comfort, but as soon as he did it Connor pulled his arm away. Evan played it off, though he could feel his face getting hot. Connor didn’t say anything else the rest of the drive, obviously lost in thought. When they pulled into Evan’s driveway, the sun had set. Connor draped his arm on the back of his seat in the car, smiling. 

“Thanks for coming today,” Connor said.

Evan shrugged. “Thanks for inviting me.”

“We should do this again.” Connor offered. 

“Go to the orchard?” 

“I meant to hang out in general, but we can do that, yeah.”

As Evan walked inside, Connor drove away. Evan unlocked the front door, walking into the foyer of the house, letting out a breath. He recounted the day in his head. He found himself wishing it hadn’t ended so early. He walked upstairs to his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Connor was interesting to listen to. Evan could listen to him ramble about anything for hours. As Evan continued to think about Connor, he heard his mom calling him from downstairs. He jumped in his skin, moving quickly to go down and speak with her. As he was about to walk out of his room, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He was still wearing Connor’s jacket. He cursed himself for forgetting to give it back. He took it off quickly, hiding it under his bed. As he emerged from his room into the hallway, Heidi was already standing outside. 

“Sorry,” Evan apologized, clearly nervous. 

Heidi looked at Evan, confused. “I just wanted to ask how Jared’s was. Are you...okay?”

Evan nodded too fast. “Me? Perfect. I am just amazing.”

“What did you do?” Heidi questioned, sounding suspicious. She crossed her arms over her chest, raising one eyebrow. 

Evan tried to think up a lie quickly. He didn’t have much time. “We played video games.” It was believable enough. After all, when he  _ did _ hang out at Jared’s that’s all they did anyway. Well, that and this fun thing Jared liked to do called, ‘Evan sits quietly while Jared rambles on about his crushes’.

Heidi nodded, trying to pick up on why Evan was acting so weird. “Have you taken your medication?”

That was something. Evan  _ had  _ forgotten to take his meds this morning. It was so hectic and rushed, he hadn’t even thought about it. He shook his head. “No, I forgot.”

“Do you want me to grab them?” Heidi offered, already trying to get past Evan to go into his room. Evan stopped her.

“No! I’m good. Really, totally fine.” Evan promised her. She smiled at him, still looking slightly concerned. 

“Alright, sweetie. I have a ton of homework, so I’m going to head downstairs and work on it. If you need anything, just holler, alright?” Evan nodded in response. She walked back downstairs, and Evan returned to his room. He checked his newly charged phone to see a few texts from Connor. 

 

**_Connor:_ **

**_thanks again for coming_ **

**_did you have my jacket still?_ **

**_Evan:_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Yeah sorry. I forgot to give it to you._ **

**_Connor:_ **

**_it’s chill_ **

**_Evan:_ **

**_I can bring it to school tomorrow for you_ **

**_Connor:_ ** **_  
_ ** **_dont bother. im not coming tomorrow lmao_ **

**_Evan:_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Other plans?_ **

**_Connor:_ **

**_Headache. maybe the flu if i’m feeling daring._ **

**_not really feeling this whole “senior year” thing tbh_ **

 

Evan locked his phone screen. He was not excited for the drive to school tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets high and soft.

_Connor_

When Connor got home, it felt like no one had even noticed he had left. His mom was in the kitchen on the phone, his dad was out with friends, and Zoe was in her room watching the Bachelor or something.

He walked upstairs to his room, trying to decide whether or not to get high tonight. He was planning on getting high tomorrow while he skipped school, and he decided he wanted to conserve his stash. He had to switch dealers for obvious reasons, and his new dealer was more expensive. As Connor reached the top of the stairs, he heard the noise from Zoe’s room halt. Her door swung open, and she stood in the doorway in her pajamas staring at Connor. 

“Where have you been all day?” She demanded to know. 

Connor considered lying to her, but decided not to. Who cared if she knew? 

“With a friend.” He responded simply. 

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Really? Who?” It was a sarcastic question. She clearly didn’t believe Connor’s story. 

Connor stared back into her blue eyes. “Evan Hansen.”

Zoe was taken aback when she heard it. She didn’t respond for a moment, taking in the information. Finally, she said, “Wait, what? Evan Hansen? Broken arm Hansen?”

Connor nodded, smirking. Zoe still didn’t believe him.

“But--just a few weeks ago you--”

“Yeah, well. We’re friends now, and that’s that.” Connor said quickly, letting his mind linger on the word  _ friend.  _

“Where did you take him?” Zoe wanted to know. “To get matching tattoos or something?”

It was Zoe’s attempt at joking with Connor. It didn’t happen often, and when it did, it was awkward. 

“We went to the old orchard and got ice cream.”

“You took him to the orchard? Just you two? Isn’t that like...a date, or something?” 

Connor recoiled at the statement. “What? No. We didn’t even...spend that long there. We did other stuff. It wasn’t a date, Zoe.” Connor tried to explain. “Shut up.”

Zoe sighed in defeat. She turned and returned to her room, shutting the door tightly behind her. Connor lingered in the hallway for a moment before going to his bedroom as well. He kept thinking the same thing over and over. 

_ Not a date. Absolutely not a date. We hung out. That’s it. There was nothing romantic about it.  _ For God’s sake, Connor had spent much of the afternoon asleep. They talked about personal stuff, but they also talked about Wednesday Addams and feminism. So, no.

Connor found himself slightly resenting Zoe for even bringing it up. If his parents had heard her, even if it wasn’t true, they’d freak out. Connor shook his head, sighing. He went to take off his jacket, just then realizing he didn’t have it. Shit, Evan did. He didn’t really mind, but he didn’t want Evan to worry about it. He texted him, making sure he knew he didn’t have to return it right away. Then, Connor fell backward on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He reflected on the day, thinking about when they lay in the sycamore grove in particular. 

Connor had spent most of the time drifting in and out of sleep. He had woken up a few times, and peeked over at Evan. He never changed positions, never did anything but watch the sky. Connor felt sort of bad for avoiding conversation with him, but he just didn’t know what to say. What  _ was  _ there to say, anyway? Connor didn’t like talking about himself, and that seemed to be the only thing Evan wanted to talk about unless prompted otherwise. Evan was quiet, but he was a good listener. Which is why it was a shame Connor didn’t have much to say. 

***

Monday morning when Connor woke up, he heard his mother gently knocking on the door. Connor had planned Monday out as his ‘sick day’ on purpose, since his dad had to leave early for a business meeting it was the perfect opportunity to guilting his mom into letting him stay home. 

Cynthia let herself in, standing awkwardly in the doorway for a moment. “Connor? Are you going to get up?”

Connor groaned from under the covers. “I’m not feeling it today.”

“You’re not feeling it any day,” She tried to argue.

Connor stuck his head out from the sheets. “Can I just stay home?”

His mom sighed. “Fine.” She shut the door.

Connor could hear her yelling to Zoe to start walking to the bus stop, and Zoe groaning loudly.  _ Why does he get to do whatever he wants?  _ He could hear her complaining through bites of toast. Connor lay under the sheets tapping his fingers against the mattress. He thought about asking Evan to skip with him, but he decided not to. He already knew the answer would be no. Instead, he went back to sleep. Around 11, he woke up again. His mom was gone, probably at a book club or pilates class or whatever the hell stay-at-home-moms did when their kids weren’t home. Connor rummaged through his closet, pulling out a small plastic baggie from his old sweatshirt pocket. He decided to smoke it in the backyard, since he didn’t want to leave the scent of weed in his room again and get searched.

He lay on the old trampoline in the backyard, lighting up the joint. He hadn’t gotten high for about a week and a half, and he had been waiting to do this again. He closed his eyes as he took a few hits, unable to stop thinking about Evan. His thoughts were more intrusive when he was high, and he knew it. It enhanced every emotion he felt. Usually, that was anger.

Today though, it was tenderness. Instead of repressing it, he let himself think. He kept reflecting back on Evan in the car. The way he leaned against the window, the way his hair blew off his forehead. Small details Connor hadn’t reflected on until then flooded his thoughts. Evan’s hands. His eyes. His smile.

“God,” Connor said out loud to no one in particular. “I gotta cut out this gay shit, man. Cut it out.”

Connor was lucky enough that he started thinking about other things. Evan didn’t cross his mind again the rest of the afternoon. Once he had smoked for a bit, he went back inside to take a shower and wash the smell off him as much as he could. Once he had done that, he lay on his bed and stared out the window at the sycamore in the front yard again. The thoughts started to come back. Connor was able to push them out. He tried thinking about anything else, even doodling in the notebook by his bed. After awhile, it occurred to him that being high was causing him more stress than relief. It made him kind of mad, as he chewed on his lip in frustration. Just then, he heard his mom come inside. 

“Connor?” She called. 

Connor just pretended he was asleep. He really didn’t need his mom catching him high. He shut his eyes, faking sleep. He heard her open the door, peeking into the room. Just as soon as she came in, she was gone. Once he heard her return downstairs, he stretched his arms up behind his head and lay in silence again. The high was starting to fade very slightly, but his mind was still running a million miles a minute. His heart raced as he came to a short conclusion.

He liked Evan Hansen. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright guys. ben platt announced his closing date and im in extreme pain but how are you guys doing


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor seems to enjoy outings quite a lot.  
> Evan doesn't mind.

_Evan_

Connor wasn’t at school again until Tuesday. Jared was late to pick Evan up that morning, and when Evan got into the car the usual silence was replaced by Jared brutally questioning Evan.

“Are we going to ignore the fact you went on a date with Connor Murphy this weekend, or...?” Jared asked tauntingly.

Evan rolled his eyes. “It’s wasn’t a  _ date.  _ Anyway, why does it matter? So we hung out one time.”

Jared chuckled. “ _ Jesus _ , Evan. You can’t leave me in the dark on all the juicy details. Is he a good kisser? I imagine he’s quite--”

“Stop!” Evan cried, bright red. “It’s not--it’s not like that.”

Jared held both hands up in self defense, prompting Evan to nearly reach over and grab the wheel. “Okay, okay. I’ll lay off,” He paused. “For now.”

Evan didn’t reply, hoping for the conversation to shift. Luckily, it did.

“Are Heidi and you still coming to that barbeque my mom is having?” Jared asked.

Evan hadn’t heard about it until now. “Oh. I didn’t...I didn’t know that was happening.”

Jared looked out the window, seemingly avoiding eye contact with Evan. “It’s some homecoming thing. For my friends, I guess. She...she wanted me to invite you.”

Evan knew Jared well enough that was his way of asking Evan to come. Evan smiled a little, barely noticeable. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”

Jared coughed. “Cool.”

The rest of the drive was met with silence. Evan thought about Connor for awhile. When Evan got to school, he ran into Connor on his way to his English class. The first thing Evan noticed was how strongly the scent of weed lingered on him. It hadn’t been that way the day they visited the orchard together.

“Hi,” Evan said, stopping in front of Connor in the hall. It was a weird feeling. No one looked at either of them as they walked by, as if they were invisible to everyone around them. Connor had his fingers curled around the strap of his backpack. It occurred to Evan he had forgotten to bring Connor’s jacket back. He mentally set a reminder to bring it the next time he saw him.

“Hey,” Connor replied, not saying anything else for a moment. What was there to talk about? They were friends now. Sort of. Evan didn’t really know what to call it. They hung out outside of school, right? He hadn’t had any real friends before. What determined friendship?

“So,” Connor continued after a long pause. “Remember when you said you wanted to go to Ellison?”

Evan raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Yeah.”

Connor shifted his weight from one foot to another. “How do you feel about going this weekend?”

Evan nodded before Connor had even finished his sentence. “Yes. I mean, that would be cool. I feel...good about that.”

Connor pursed his lips. “Awesome. I’ll text you or something.”

Evan gave him a thumbs up. “Okay, yeah. Yeah! Cool.”

Connor gave a small wave before heading the opposite direction in the hallway. Evan watched him for a moment, and then realized he was about to be late to English.   
***

When the weekend rolled around, Connor and Evan already had a solid plan. Connor was going to pick Evan up around two, so they could make it to Ellison by three. Evan had a mental list of all the places he wanted to go, since he knew the place so well. He knew the best spots to watch the sunset, and where the trees looked best.

Connor was at Evan’s right on time, something Evan appreciated. Evan had remembered to bring Connor his jacket this time, packed in a small backpack Evan had brought. He hurried out to the driveway, sliding into the passenger seat and swinging the door shut behind him. Connor eyed the backpack Evan had sitting on his lap. 

“Damn, I hope I didn’t underpack.” Connor laughed, backing out of the driveway. “What did you pack in there?”

Evan shrugged. “Uh, just sunscreen and water.”

Connor looked over at Evan and laughed. “That is not the only thing in there.”

“Well,” Evan continued. “Just like, first aide and stuff.”

Connor smiled, turning the music up on the radio. It was heavy metal again, and throughout the entire hour long drive the music switched between musical theatre and loud rock. Evan and Connor didn’t speak most of the way, though Evan occasionally gave directions as they drove. It was nice; not having to speak. Evan felt like it connected them more. 

When they arrived at Ellison, they pulled up to a small booth to pay for parking. Evan knew the woman working, her name was Andrea. 

“Seven dollars for day parking.” She said monotonously. Evan leaned forward so she could see him.

“Hey, Andrea.” Evan smiled, waving. Andrea’s face filled with life as she smiled back at Evan.

“Evan? My God! How are ya sweetie?” Her voice bubbled up out of her chest.

“I’m great,” Evan replied. “How are things?”

She let out a belly laugh. “It’s the same as the summer sweetheart. Although, some crowds tend to gather in the North to see the fall colors.”

Evan rolled his eyes playfully. “Everyone knows it’s best in the West, anyway.”

She winked at him, and then focused in on Connor. “Oh!” She gasped. “I’m so sorry, I don’t believe we’ve met.”

Evan started to introduce him. “He’s my…” His voice trailed off. They were friends, right?

“I’m Connor,” Connor finished for Evan. “I’m Evan’s friend.”

Andrea smiled sweetly. “Nice to meet you dear. Love the nail polish.” She lifted the gate. “Go on through, parking is free for you two.”

Connor drove through, following Evan’s directions to park in the West parking lot. Evan liked that forest best, and it seemed like no one else ever congregated there. There were markers all up the trail pointing out different trees and the animals that lived there. Evan and Connor moved up the trail, immediately being shocked by the cool air. It was almost October now, and it showed. Evan remembered Connor’s jacket in his backpack, stopping unzip it. He pulled Connor’s jacket out of his pack, handing it to him. Connor hesitated.

“Wait, put it on,” Connor instructed. Evan shrugged, pulling the jacket on and buttoning it up. Connor looked him over for a moment and then sighed. “Well, that settles it.”

Evan furrowed his brow. “Settles what?” 

Connor started up the trail again, his eyes on the branches above. “Keep it. It kind of suits you, strange enough.”

Evan followed behind Connor, not understanding him. “Wait, but...all the pins and stuff. Don’t you want them?”

Connor shook his head. “Nah, I can always get more. Like I said, it looks good on you.”

Evan felt his face get hot, and thanked God Connor wasn’t looking at him. He trailed behind Connor nearly the entire time, since Connor took longer steps than Evan did. Once they reached the top of the trail, they found themselves at an open field framed with Evergreen trees. Evan sat in the grass, his knees to his chest. It had taken a little while to get there, and the sun was low in the sky. Connor sat beside Evan, stretching his legs out. Evan couldn’t help but be hyper-aware of how close Connor was sitting. Their arms were touching.

“Wow,” Connor breathed. “I’ll give you this, Hansen. This is pretty beautiful.”

Evan nodded, his eyes on the horizon. “Told you I know all the best spots at Ellison.”

Connor smiled. “About that, what did you even do here all summer?”  
Evan recounted the summer in his mind. “At the beginning I just followed park rangers around while they picked up trash and yelled at kids to stay on the trail.”

Connor nodded, still listening. Evan continued. 

“In July I started going out on my own. I would just take a golf cart around and chart animals and stuff. It was nice.”

Connor nodded again, absent-mindedly picking grass. “Seems like a good gig.”

Evan relaxed his posture. “Yeah, it was.”

The sun was starting to set now, and it dawned on Evan how odd he must look in Connor’s jacket with a blue polo shirt underneath. Then he remembered what Connor had said about how it looked okay on him, and he relaxed. The sky was orange and yellow, lined by the small amount of blue left from the day. Evan and Connor didn’t speak almost the entire time it set, though Evan sometimes looked over at Connor as he looked ahead. His expression was unchanging, but the golden light hit him quite nicely.

As the sun was nearly behind the horizon, Connor finally said something. “I don’t believe it.”

Evan looked over at him, not sure what he meant. “What?”

“You know that quote? ‘Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.’?” Connor replied. Evan had never heard it before.

“It’s from  _ Catcher in the Rye.”  _ Connor informed him. “Anyway, I always thought I believed it.”

Evan shifted. He felt like  _ he  _ sort of believed it himself, if he was honest. “Why don’t you?”

Connor looked at Evan, making eye contact with him. It was rare for him to do so. “I’m glad I have you. So I can...like, tell someone about my life.”

Evan smiled a little. “Wow, Connor. Thanks.”  
Connor looked forward again, and punched Evan’s arm. “Don’t like, make a big deal out of it, douchebag.” 

Evan could still swear he could see Connor had a smile on his lips. They sat in silence until they headed back down the trail, making jokes the entire walk back.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has some pretty terrible luck (that we don't know the full extent of).

_Connor_

Connor woke up on Sunday morning to an empty house. He wasn’t sure where everyone was, but he was grateful to be home alone. He considered getting high, but decided not to. He lay in his bed, staring at the fan on his ceiling. Of course, he thought about Evan (again). This was becoming all too familiar of an occurrence.

Connor wasn’t exactly sure what had even propelled this. He had gone to school with Evan as long as he could remember, and he’d never had a _crush_ on him. Connor hadn’t really had a lot of crushes, if he was completely honest. Connor supposed that he knew somewhat when he was talking to Evan online he had a crush on the person on the other end, but the reality of it being a boy he knew hadn’t arisen until now.

He got out of bed, listening from behind his closed door to make sure nobody was home. He didn’t feel like speaking to anyone now. He went downstairs, looking for something to eat for breakfast. He wasn’t really keen on breakfast food, but he woke up hungrier than usual. As he ate a piece of toast at the kitchen table, Zoe emerged from the basement with one of her friends. Connor glared at her as they walked past him, only slightly embarrassed at his own appearance. Connor could hear Zoe and her friend whispering as they walked upstairs, and Connor knew it was probably about him. He took another bite of his toast. He thought about asking Evan to hang out again, but decided not to take up every day of his life. He wasn’t sure what to spend his Sunday doing. Usually, he sat alone in his room all day either getting high or listening to music. None of those things sounded appealing at the moment. Since Zoe had a friend over, he didn’t really feel like being anywhere in the house.

He decided to go for a drive. It might be nice to clear his mind. He hadn’t driven for a long period of time by himself for a while. He didn’t bother getting dressed or taking a shower before he left, he just got in the car and drove off. As he drove, he promised himself he wouldn’t think about Evan. 

He didn’t

Instead, his mind was flooded with flashbacks. Things had never been good, in all honesty. His parents didn’t care about each other, that was something Connor had known since he was a young child. His dad was a workaholic, and his mom tried to hide her loneliness with shopping and weekend getaways. It had been that way for years. 

His relationship with Zoe, however, hadn’t always been so hostile. They were siblings, so there was always bickering, but in some ways Connor missed what he used to have with her. Something changed when Connor turned thirteen. He had always been more aggressive than other kids, and his parents figured it was just who Connor was. As he got older and hit puberty, things got really bad. Family dinners turned into screaming matches, and Connor’s parents decided to take the lock off of Connor’s bedroom door to punish him. It didn’t help. Their lives all became strained. Connor knew it was his fault.

And he was thinking about Alex again. Which...shit. That’s how he knew this was shit. He only thought about Alex when he was fucking upset. 

Connor was crying as he drove now, wiping tears from his face as he continued down an empty road. After a while he pulled over to the side of the road, trying to get control of himself. The tears were gone now. He took a deep breath and turned the radio up, hoping it would silence it thoughts, but failing. He had promised himself he wouldn’t think about Evan. Unfortunately, that’s where his mind seemed to always go. Connor pulled into the parking lot of the orchard, getting out and standing around for a moment or two. He decided to head to the grove of sycamores in the back to think, taking his time getting there. He found himself at the foot of the tree, trying to decide what to do. He hadn’t climbed a tree since he was a kid, but he decided to try. It took a moment to get his footing, but when he did he felt comfortable as he scaled the side of the tree. He climbed from one branch to another, finally finding a branch that seemed sturdy enough to sit on. He rested his back on the trunk of the tree, looking out at the horizon. It was only early afternoon, so the sun wasn’t in his eyes yet.

In this moment, Connor was utterly alone. No one else could hear his thoughts. He could just think. 

He didn’t think about Evan. He thought about the party. The one during sophomore year. He felt sick. That warm feeling hit him again, competing against strong resentment. He could see Alex in his head again. He could see his hands.

“Damn it,” Connor sighed. 

Of course, then he thought about Evan. Which honestly wasn’t much better. He tried not to let himself think about Evan having a crush on Zoe, but it happened anyway. Evan deserved someone like Zoe, not someone like him. Connor was fucked. Zoe wasn’t. Connor ran his fingers through his hair, groaning. 

For a moment, he thought about what it  _ would  _ be like to be with Evan. Imagining Evan dealing with Connor’s random aggressions and stupid meltdowns made him almost feel sick. Who was he to trick Evan into dealing with that?

Still, Connor knew the more he hung out with Evan, the more obvious it was getting. He had already almost said something at Ellison. He wished he hadn’t. He wished for anything else but this. Connor climbed back down the tree, heading back to the car. 

God, Connor had terrible luck. He seemed to always propel forward with interests toward anything and anyone who was  _ absolutely wrong for him.  _ But, like, fuck. 

Evan was so fucking cute. Holy shit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of short and ALSO I FORGOT TO POST IT YESTERDAY BECAUSE IT WAS EVEN SHORTER THAN IT IS NOW SO I ADDED TO IT !!  
> Also....Alex. Any guesses?? :) See you on Sunday


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is stranded. Connor feels brave.

_Evan_

The next morning when Jared came to pick Evan up for school, he didn’t say a word when Evan got in the passenger seat. He was staring straight ahead, his hands gripping the steering wheel as his music blasted louder than normal. Evan didn’t say anything in response, his eyes on his feet.

“So,” Jared said once they got to a red light. “How was hanging out with your boyfriend this weekend?”

Evan was confused. How would Jared know about that? “It was fine,” Evan replied cautiously.

Jared didn’t respond. That’s when it occurred to Evan why Jared was so upset. Evan had bailed on Jared’s barbeque. “Oh, shit. Your barbeque. Damn it, I’m sorry.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “You seriously ditched me, two weekends in row, for that psychopath?”

For some reason, Jared’s words about Connor made Evan angry. Jared didn’t know Connor. “Dude, shut up.” Evan replied, his words cold. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “Dude, you’re literally wearing his clothes.” He motioned to Connor’s jacket. “You’re so far up his ass, it’s ridiculous.”

“Drop it, Jared.” Evan hissed. “Seriously.”

Evan could tell Jared was surprised by the retaliation--which, of course, pushed Jared even more. “No, really! I just don’t understand how you’ll just forget everyone else in your life just to hang out with your friendly neighborhood--”

“Connor is my  _ friend. _ ” Evan interrupted angrily. “He’s the only person who has ever cared about me. You said it yourself, Jared. We aren’t friends. We’re family friends. You only invited me to that barbeque because your mom asked you to. You know it, and so do I.”

Jared clenched his jaw. He didn’t reply, he just pulled over to the side of the road. He reached across Evan and opened the passenger door. Evan looked at the door and then back at Jared.

“Well?” Jared said, looking at Evan with cold eyes. “Get out.”

Evan shrunk. “Jared--”

Jared started the ignition again, signaling for Evan to leave. “I only give my friends rides.”

Evan got out then, closing the door behind him. Jared drove away. 

Evan watched Jared’s car until it was out of sight. He stood there for a moment, feeling stupid but determined. Jared was never nice to Evan. He had told him more times than he could count that he didn’t care about him. Evan fumbled for his cell phone in his pocket. His mom was already at work, so he called Connor.

Connor answered after just one ring. “Hey,” He answered.

Evan sighed. “Are you...are you coming to school today?”

Connor was quiet on the other end for a second, and then replied, “I wasn’t planning on it, why?”

Evan ran his hand through his hair. “I sort of need a ride to school.”  
“Oh,” Connor laughed. “Yeah, I can drive you. Do you want me to pick you up at your house?”

“Um, no. I’m not at home. I’m kind of...I’m not sure, actually. There’s like, a gas station on the corner and a McDonald’s?” Evan tried to explain his surroundings.

“Yeah,” Connor replied. “I think I know where you are. I’ll be there in a few.” He hung up.

Evan waited for a few minutes, and just like clockwork, Connor pulled up in his car. Evan sheepishly got into the passenger side, throwing his backpack in the backseat. Connor looked over at Evan, clearly concerned. 

“So, you want to tell me why you’re stranded on the side of the road?” Connor pressed. 

Evan didn’t really want to tell him why. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Connor shrugged. “Alright. So, back to school?”

Evan thought about it for a moment, and then said, “Do you want to skip?”

Connor pursed his lips. “No one is home at my house.” Then he added, “But are you sure you want to skip? I don’t want you to hyperventilate.”

Evan wouldn’t normally skip class under any circumstance, but he had too many classes with Jared to care about his grades. Besides, if Connor didn’t come to school he would have to sit alone at lunch to avoid Jared as well.

“Yeah,” Evan said. “I don’t feel like going today.”

Connor made a U-turn and headed straight for the Murphy’s. He didn’t press Evan about what happened, and Evan was glad. If he had, Evan probably would have told Connor everything, which would have made him feel worse. So, he just sat quietly as Connor pulled into his own driveway. Evan followed him inside, and when he stepped into the mudroom he realized he had never been inside the Murphy’s before. It was a nice house. Like, really nice. It looked brand new. The kitchen had marble countertops, and the floors looked like they had been put down only days ago. Evan dropped his backpack on the ground, waiting for Connor to tell him where to go. Connor looked back at Evan and motioned for him to follow.

Connor and Evan climbed the stairs, walking down a hallway past closed doors. Evan could tell which room was Zoe’s, and he felt confused at the empty feeling he had in his stomach. It was...Zoe’s bedroom. Yet, he felt like it was just another room in the house. The pictures of Zoe on the wall didn’t make his heart beat faster. Which was....new. And concerning, because there was this one picture of Connor, probably seven years old, missing the two front teeth in his smile. And when Evan saw it, his stomach just. Twisted in every direction possible.

Then, Evan knew.

Evan’s heart started beating when he realized it, though he should have probably seen that coming. Evan had pretty much a crush on every person who’d ever been nice to him. That’s how it had started with Zoe--she had complimented his shoes once in study hall and suddenly Evan had been whipped.

Now there was a new, terrifying reality placed in front of him. Connor Murphy wasn’t Zoe--he wasn’t a cute girl he worked with at Ellison. He wasn’t like the other people Evan had liked. He was rough in every sense of the word, completely terrifying if not approached right.

Which of course made Evan realize how nervous he was to be alone with Connor in his bedroom. He was almost sure Connor didn’t feel the same way, which was Evan’s only consolation. They sat down on Connor’s bed, and Evan took off Connor’s jacket.

Connor scratched his head. “So...um. Do you want to like...listen to music?” He gestured to a bluetooth speaker on his bedside table. 

Evan nodded his head. “Go ahead.”

The song started playing, something with acoustic guitar. Evan knew the singer’s voice, recognizing him from a punk band Jared had liked back when he went through an emo phase. 

“Uh, cool song. I think I might know it.” Evan tried gently.

Connor raised his eyebrows. “You like State Champs? Damn. I should have figured the only punk band you’d like is one people say sounds like the Jonas Brothers.”

Evan laughed, short.

They sat in silence for a little bit, and Evan could tell Connor was thinking about something. Evan crossed his ankles on the bed looking out the window. Connor sat up suddenly, his eyes locked with Evan’s. 

Evan felt like he might die. The song that was playing was a duet too, something completely cheesy and romantic. Which was just so. Out of place, right now. Sort of. Evan’s heart was still completely pounding in his chest. 

“Do you like my sister?” He asked suddenly. Evan shifted on the bed uncomfortably. They were so close right now. It was making Evan wish he’d gone to school. 

“What?” Evan asked, pretending he hadn’t heard him. This conversation made him anxious, especially when he definitely could not get over how nice Connor looked like this. Like this being... so close. Evan liked it. Which made him want to move to Alaska.

Connor scooted closer. “Who  _ do _ you like, then?”

Evan’s heart started racing again. “I don’t--I don’t know.”

Connor laughed. “Come on Evan, what’s her name? You’re literally about to fucking combust. Just tell me. I won’t tell Kleinman.”

Evan looked back at Connor. “Connor, is there something you want me to say?”

Connor looked at Evan’s lips for a moment, then his eyes met with Evan’s again.

_ Oh. _

Evan hadn’t ever kissed anyone before.

He hadn’t even held hands with somebody before. 

In this moment, he felt completely still. His heart was probably still beating out of his chest, but he couldn’t feel it. He felt himself leaning in toward Connor, and Connor was doing the same. 

_ What was going on?  _

Before their lips could touch, Evan felt Connor lurch backward. Evan opened his eyes, surprised to see a look of horror on Connor’s face.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked, his face red.

Connor stood up quickly, shaking his head. He tripped over his desk chair in the process. Evan wasn’t sure what he had done wrong. Was the thought of kissing Evan that terrible? The voice in the back of Evan’s head started tearing him down again. Evan was deflating inside.  
Mirroring Connor, Evan stood up, feeling small. “Connor, what’s wrong?” He asked cautiously, his slightly confrontational words torn down by the shake in his voice.

“I can’t,” Was all Connor said. 

Evan was confused now. “You can’t what?”

“I can’t--we can’t. This. It can’t--it can’t happen.” Connor was stumbling over his words now. 

Evan shook his head. “Connor, I don’t care about that. It’s fine. We can for--”

Connor was pulling at his hair. “I care!”

Evan shrunk. “Oh.”

Connor’s face was pained as he said, “I’m sorry.”

Evan turned around, not really sure what to say or do. 

“You should go,” Connor told him. Evan turned back to look at Connor, who was distressed.

“Can’t we talk about this, or something? If it was a mistake, I underst--”

Connor shook his head. “It’s not that it was a damn mistake, Evan.” He snapped.

Evan backed toward the door. “I’m sorry.”

Connor had his back to Evan now. Evan reached for the doorknob, his hands shaking. Once he was in the hallway he ran down the stairs and grabbed his backpack out of the kitchen. He didn’t even bother to put it on as he ran out. He ran all the way home. It only occurred to him once he was inside that he had forgotten Connor’s jacket. 

He collapsed on the couch, sighing. He cursed himself. He wished he knew what set Connor off. Of course, he remembered Jared too. That was pretty much the shittiest situation he could think up, friend-wise. Minus what had just happened.

What a shitty day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I COULDNT WAIT TILL SUNDAY TO POST THIS SORRY 
> 
> thank u guys for all ur support :) con is very impulsive smh


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avoidance=Not having to deal with this. Right?

_Connor_

As soon as Connor heard Evan leave, he let himself sink to the ground, pressing his back to the bedroom door. He was shaking now, feeling sick to his stomach. He didn’t want to recount the events that had just happened, but he found himself doing it anyway. He picked at the black nail polish on his fingernails, cursing himself. 

He wished he hadn’t done it. God, he wished he hadn’t done it. It’s not like he was planning it, either. They were sitting on the bed, and the next thing Connor knew he was snapping at Evan and telling him to leave. Connor rubbed his eyes, putting his head in his hands. 

“God,” He wailed. “Oh my god.”

He repeated that at least twenty times. He was trying to stop himself from crying, and for the most part, he was doing a good job. He let himself listen to the silence of the room, wishing he could disappear. It was only about noon now, so nobody would be home for a few hours. He wasn’t really sure what to do now. He was high, and now he wished he wasn’t. He pulled at his hair and stood up, shuffling to his desk. It hadn’t really been used much, and the drawers were filled with untouched school supplies. He took out a spiral notebook, ripping out pages to draw to calm himself down. It wasn’t helping.

Connor unlocked his phone, typing out a text message to Evan.

**_Connor:_ **

**_hey evan. look, im sorry about earlier. I don’t know what_ **

Connor shook his head and deleted the message. He tried four or five times to write a better one, but to no avail. He threw his phone across the room, and he stared angrily at the ceiling. He was angry with himself. He was angry he allowed himself to have feelings for Evan. He was angry about acting on it. Humiliation and anger didn’t mix well with him.

He wondered what Evan was probably thinking. Connor laughed in spite of himself, imagining the confusion and disgust Evan was probably feeling. When Connor tried to kiss him, Evan had said it was okay. For a moment, this thought comforted Connor. Then, concluded that Evan had most likely only said it to make Connor feel better. 

Connor let out an audible groan. He hated this. He hated overthinking and wishing he could throw up. He wished he could avoid this entire situation. He tried to focus, thinking about Evan again, which of course made him more stressed. Connor put his face in his pillow.

***

It didn’t start out as a desire to avoid Evan.

It turned into that about five seconds after Connor felt the mortifying feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Not talking to Evan proved to be easier said than done. Romantic feelings on their own were causing him problems, but on top of that, there was the fact Evan was his only friend at school. Connor only went to school the next day to avoid another fight with his dad, and when he saw Evan that morning he wondered if he had made the right choice. He met eyes with Evan for a split second, but Connor looked away quickly. He shoved his hands into his pockets, pushing through the crowd. He saw Jared down the hallway, sitting by himself with his headphones in. Connor realized that was what Evan had been so upset about yesterday. 

Connor quietly cursed himself. He should have pressed Evan about what had happened yesterday. Maybe then he wouldn’t have done some gay shit. 

As Connor sat in his first class, he felt like he was completely in a daze. He was trying to forget about Evan, and he was failing miserably. Instead of avoiding him, he felt like every thought led back to him. Connor nervously clicked in pen on his desk. They were watching a movie, and he knew he was probably annoying everyone with the constant clicking. He was trying to focus, but he couldn’t. The rest of the class was hell, and the second the bell rang Connor shot out of his desk. He wasn’t going to go to his next class, instead opting to hang out in his car. 

When he got to the car, he lay in the backseat staring up. He wished he could forget about everything, but he couldn’t. He wished everything was different, but things weren’t different. They were what they were. His parents hated him, his sister wanted nothing to do with him, and he had no friends. He kicked the car door. 

He opened his eyes to see a wide-eyed Evan Hansen standing outside his car door. Evan knocked on the window, though Connor was staring right back at him. Connor sighed, trying to hide his nervousness with irritation. He unlocked the door, sitting up so Evan had somewhere to go. He was happy to see him, something he wasn’t proud of. Evan sat in the backseat beside Connor, an awkward space between them. This was the only time Connor had ever felt uncomfortable in the silence with Evan. 

Evan opened his mouth, and Connor already knew what he was going to say. He held up his hand in response. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Connor said honestly. 

Evan nodded. “Okay.”

There was another break of silence.

“How did you know where to find me?” Connor questioned, not looking at Evan. 

Evan shrugged. “You...you always park in the same part of the parking lot.” 

Connor nodded. “Okay.”

Evan fiddled with the buttons on his shirt. “Connor, we can’t just--”

Connor shook his head, prompting Evan to stop. “It was a mistake, okay? It was a mistake. I wish I had never done it.” 

Evan stared at his feet, his face paper white. “Okay.”

Connor wanted to stop talking, but he just kept going. “I don’t know why I did it. It was probably just because I was high or something.”

Evan let out a shaky breath. “That’s okay. It’s okay.”

Connor felt guilty for lying to Evan.

Evan tried to change the subject. “So, I’m getting my cast off tomorrow.”

Connor smiled a little. “How will I recognize you without it?”

Evan laughed under his breath. It was nervous. Connor’s eyes caught his name on the cast, his stomach twisting when he saw it. He looked forward again, his face like stone. Evan must have sensed the tension again, and he didn’t say anything else. They sat in silence until class ended, and Evan left without another word. Connor didn’t move for a moment.

Fuck him. Fuck him for being so cute and nice and easy to talk to. Fuck him for letting Connor be a dick about everything. God, fuck his cast. Connor hated it all so much. He hated it so much he saw it when he closed his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all here is the 16th chapter :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was probably just high or something.

_Evan_

As Evan walked away from Connor’s car, he could feel his bottom lip quivering. He felt his hands shaking at his sides. He blinked rapidly, trying as best he could to will away the emotions that were coming over him. 

_ I was probably just high or something. _

Evan knew that was most likely what had happened, and for a moment he tried to pretend that he hadn’t felt anything in his chest when Connor was so close to him. Evan bit his fingernail, wishing he didn’t have to go back to school.

In the midst of this, he realized he didn’t have anywhere to sit at lunch. It was a dumb thing to worry about in the moment, but Jared had been sitting somewhere else, and Evan kind of missed him. It was his fault Jared was angry, but Evan couldn’t think of anything to say to Jared to even  _ explain. _

Evan was mortified about how he felt about Connor. He knew Jared wouldn’t have a kind word for what Evan was going through. Evan didn’t want  _ anyone  _ to know what was going on, and yet he wished he could tell someone. As he walked down the long empty hallway, he thought he might be sick. He stopped in his tracks, taking a few deep breaths. He wished he could go home, but he would feel guilty making his mom leave work to get a ride home. 

As Evan tried to control the panic attack he felt coming on, the bell for lunch rang. Evan didn’t want to sit in the lunchroom today, feeling sick about finding a table to sit at, so instead he went outside and sat against a wall. He thought about sitting out by the bleachers, but he didn’t want to run into Connor. He wished he could make this better, but he knew Connor didn’t want anything to do with him. 

Evan’s stomach churned at the thought.

After lunch ended, Evan sat through his last few classes, tapping his foot anxiously. His last period, ceramics, was the only class he had with Connor. It was an elective, and an easy A, so Connor had only showed up a couple of times since he and Evan had become friends. As Evan expected, Connor didn’t come. Evan worked on his project, which he thought looked like garbage. He had a million thoughts running through his head, and he couldn’t focus. He decided to take the hall pass and use the restroom, spending as long as he could walking there and standing in the corner of the stall. He scrolled through his phone, which was pointless since he had no messages from either Connor or Jared. He let his head fall back against the wall, looking up at the ceiling in desperation. There were only twenty five minutes left of school, and Evan wanted to spend the rest of it in this bathroom stall, but he didn’t want to get in trouble with his teacher. He finally decided to walk back to class, sitting back at his seat just when the teacher initiated clean up. Evan was grateful for this, quietly washing in hands in peace. 

When the bell rang, Evan walked to the bus quickly, trying to keep his eyes on the floor. He was on edge, he knew it, and all he wanted was to go to his bed and take a nap or something. He couldn’t help replay the words Connor had said.

_ I wish I hadn’t done it. _

Evan wished he hadn’t said that. He would have rather have Connor never talk to him again and to never get any closure than being unable to stop thinking about those words, over and over again.

When school finally ended, Evan was relieved. He wanted to go home, bury himself under the covers, and forget. He wanted all of this to go away. 

As he boarded the school bus and took his usual seat, he watched out the window, lying to himself he wasn’t looking for Connor’s car. He was, and he knew it. When he saw him, he could see Zoe sitting in the passenger side and Connor staring straight ahead.

Evan wondered if Connor was also looking for him on the bus.

Evan stomach twisted when he saw Zoe. After knowing the nature of her relationship with Connor, Evan’s normal romantic feelings drifted away into an instinct to protect Connor from the people in his life that made it hard. Evan wished he had known what Connor had been going through. Evan wished that he had become friends with him a different way, then maybe things would be different now.

Evan stared ahead. Things were not different.

***

When Evan arrived back home, he strolled into the kitchen, looking for something to snack on. What he found, however, was not what he was expecting.

His mom was home.

Evan’s eyebrows lifted in confusion, curious as to why his mother wasn’t at work. It was a Thursday afternoon, and his mom always worked at this time on weekdays. She was in her casual clothes, something Evan rarely saw her wearing since she was working so much. She had reading glasses on, and she was sitting at the barstool as if she had been waiting for Evan. He face was sullen, which caused Evan’s heart to skip a beat.

Evan stopped in his tracks in the hallway. “Uh, Mom. Hi? What are you--why are you home so early? Don’t you work at this time? Usually? I mean, not because I don’t  _ want  _ you home or anything, but--” Evan was nervous rambling, something he did frequently when faced with an unfamiliar situation. Especially one like this.

Heidi tapped her nails against the countertop and sighed. Evan knew that sigh. She was angry with him. Evan’s mind started racing as quickly as possible. Did Heidi know that Evan and Connor had skipped school together? If she did, she knows they spent the afternoon together. It wouldn’t take much to come to the conclusion something was going on. Evan was shaking now, but he was masking it well, his hands in his pockets to cover the tremors.

“I got Emily to cover my shift,” She spoke softly. “I got a call from Rachel Kleinman this morning.”

Evan’s heart was hammering. “Oh! Jared’s mom--that’s good! I know you’ve...you’ve been wanting to talk to her and catch up--”

Heidi interrupted Evan. “It wasn’t much of catch up, since she mentioned in passing you didn’t go to Jared’s barbeque this weekend.” Evan’s skin was heating up, and for a moment he felt relief this wasn’t about his relationship with Connor. 

Heidi cleared her throat, bringing Evan’s full attention back to her. “Evan, care to explain? Why would you tell Jared you’re going to come if you were going to ditch him? I just want to know. You know that’s not how friends--”

“Jared isn’t my friend,” Evan snapped, suddenly defensive. Sure, he made a mistake by forgetting about Jared’s barbeque, but if he was honest he didn’t care much about missing it. “Jared’s other friends were there anyway. He told me his mom made him invite me.”

Heidi stood, and Evan caught on to the aggressive nature she was giving off. Evan shrunk into himself, and Heidi’s eyes met Evan’s. “You were the  _ only  _ person Jared invited, Evan.” Her voice was cold as she said it, and Evan suddenly felt bad.

Evan didn’t have anything to say back to her, he just felt tears welling up in his eyes. He kept his eyes on his feet, trying to conceal his emotion. He was doing a bad job at it, and he knew it. He didn’t want to continue this conversation.

He knew his mom didn’t know what was going on, and she didn’t know why this probably wasn’t the best time for her to confront Evan and make him feel shitty. Still, Evan turned the other way, trying to go to his room and lock himself away. Heidi wasn’t finished chewing him out yet, though.

She reached toward him, touching his shoulder. Evan turned, his eyes still teary. His mom’s face softened slightly, but she was firm. “You should really think about what Jared is to you. I know you have this new friend, and--”

Evan interrupted her quickly, his voice shaky and hot with anger fueled by everything coming down at once. “I don’t have any friends, okay? I don’t have any friends. I don’t have anybody. So this isn’t the best time.”

Heidi opened her mouth to respond, but Evan turned away, hurrying up the stairs to his bedroom in peace. He shut the door behind him, breathing heavy. He could barely get air out of his lungs, and he worried he was going to have a panic attack. He tried taking deep breaths through his nose, but it wasn’t helping. 

Now he felt so much guilt. Jared had planned this entire thing, just for Evan to ditch. Evan imagined how humiliated Jared must have been, and it made him feel sick that he was the cause of it all. 

Of course, he thought about Connor too. He thought about how a great friendship was ruined now. Evan was crying, sobbing even. He wiped his eyes, though the tears didn’t let up. Evan could hear Heidi stirring downstairs, but he didn’t want her to see him like this right now. He could barely even breathe, let alone listen to his mom say another word. He wished he could talk to someone. He found himself wishing he could message Connor about this, but he didn’t.

Evan crawled into his bed, wetting his pillow with tears. He absolutely felt like a baby, but he didn’t care at this point. He lay there until he ran out of tears, and he was able to focus on the window outside instead of everything wrong in his life. When he finally heard his mom climbing the stairs, he willed her to go to her bedroom instead of his.

Of course, that’s not how it happened. Heidi knocked on Evan’s door instead. Evan croaked out for her to come in, and when she saw him, her face softened in sympathy.

“Sweetie, I’m sorry,” She whispered as she sat on the edge of Evan’s bed. “I shouldn’t have bombarded you when you came home like that. It’s just...God. You know I have a soft spot for Jared. I’ve known him since he was a baby. I don’t want him to be let down, especially…” Her voice trailed off. 

“Especially if it’s because of me,” Evan finished for her. Heidi nodded sheepishly, and Evan sniffled. “I know, Mom. I know, and I’ve been feeling bad about it. I just...I don’t know how to explain. It’s....it’s a lot.”

Heidi’s eyes widened. “What’s hard to explain?”

Evan’s heart was hammering in his chest again. For a moment, he considered telling her. He wanted to, and he knew she wouldn’t mind, but it was scary. The thought of telling his mom about kissing anybody, let alone a boy was making him feel sick.

Heidi noticed Evan didn’t want to talk about whatever it was, so she let it slide. “You don’t have to tell me,” She promised. “You can, but you don’t have to.”

Evan nodded. “Thanks,”

Heidi took a moment, and then spoke again. “I want you to think about what you can do for Jared to make it up to him, okay? I know you’re apologetic, so you should let him know that too.”

Evan nodded, in response, though he knew he probably wouldn’t be thinking about how to apologize to Jared tonight. Heidi nodded, satisfied.

“Good--great,” She beamed. “I’m sorry again, sweetheart. Remember, if you ever want to t--”

“Thanks, Mom!” Evan interrupted. “I appreciate it. Really.”

Heidi got the hint and crossed the room, returning into the hallway and closing the door tightly behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, we love some angst am I right pals?  
> Updating on Tuesday instead of Wednesday because I'm moving into college tomorrow!! Anyway. So yeah. Connor is such an oblivious piece of shit sometimes, lol. Have any of you guys started school yet? How's that going? If yes, I hope this makes things a little better for you.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex.  
> Who is Alex?  
> Connor wishes he didn't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick tw...this chapter includes consent while drunk. If you're not okay with that, just know beforehand. This chapter also includes a homophobic slur.

_Connor_

When Connor got home from school, he immediately shut himself in his room. He was lucky this time, since his dad was out of town on business and his mom was out with friends. He knew that no one would barge into his room.

He dug in his closet, shuffling strewn clothes and shoes for a photo he had stuffed away in the closet years back. Connor felt his fingers touch the glossy paper, and he snatched the photo from the back of the closet.

Connor looked at the photo for a moment, emotionless. He was trying to come to terms with it, but it was making him anxious.

The photo depicted a younger Connor, his hair still cut short and his face much brighter than the one he saw in the mirror every day. This was a photo of the only other real friends Connor ever had, Alex Johansen and Kimber Kelson. In the shot, the three of them stood together at the local park. Kimber and Alex both had red hair, Kimber’s a natural ginger paired with green eyes, and Alex’s a bright cherry red. He used to dye his hair with a hair dye he bought at an old beauty store. Connor used to make fun of him for not knowing what ingredients were in it, but it always seemed to stay for much longer than a regular brand.

Connor’s face hardened at the thought. These memories hurt.

This photo looked happy, it looked like normal friends. Connor almost wished he didn’t know that it wasn’t the case. His mind flickered back to the nights they would spend together, and it sent chills up his spine. He was at the worst place he’d ever been when he was with them. Kimber was into prescription drugs, and she often convinced Connor to steal pills from the medicine cabinet at home for her. He tried them a plethora of times, one leading to Connor being found passed out at the park.

Kimber and Alex were older than Connor, seniors when Connor was a sophomore; but they liked him. Connor hadn’t ever had  _ real  _ friends before, which meant Connor clung to them.

The real reason Connor was looking at these photos today, was to finally come to terms with what had happened that had ended their friendship. It was something Connor had repressed for years, often blaming on drugs when there was nothing else left to blame.

It was January of Connor’s sophomore year, two months before his first suicide attempt. Things were bad. Connor was doing harder drugs than he’d ever been, and he could never seem to escape his head. His friendship with Alex and Kimber was extremely toxic, though Connor didn’t realise it at the time.

They were at a party, one they had been talking about for weeks. It was an upperclassman party, but Connor was lucky enough to have senior friends that brought him. A lot of the night, Connor didn’t remember. He hated parties and he hated drinking, but that night he decided to mirror what Kimber and Alex were doing. He felt most comfortable smoking pot, but he decides a little alcohol wouldn’t kill him. The night was going well, until Alex and Connor lost Kimber. She was always friendly, so this would tend to happen. Connor and Alex usually just hung out in the quiet corner of the party when this happened, but the party was so crowded the only quiet space was a back patio that they probably weren’t supposed to be on.

Connor and Alex were sitting on a piece of outdoor furniture, and most of their conversation out on the patio was a complete blur. All Connor remembered was that Alex came onto him. 

They were talking, and suddenly Alex’s face was centimeters away from Connor’s. Connor’s heart started racing. This was terrifying for Connor, a moment he had thought of more times than he could count. He had always liked Alex, always wanted to kiss him. In this moment, things felt frozen. Time wasn’t moving around Connor anymore.

“Alex,” Connor whispered, his voice quivering. He was confused. “What are you doing?”

Alex had never expressed interest in Connor. He hadn’t ever even expressed interest in  _ boys.  _ Connor thought that he liked Kimber, since Connor was fully aware Kimber liked Alex. 

This moment was telling a different story. 

Alex spoke, slightly slurring his words. “I’m going to kiss you, dumbass.” 

Connor wanted him to, so badly. But he didn’t want him to do it for no reason. “You’re drunk.” Connor informed him, though he didn’t move an inch. 

Alex scoffed. “You are so fucking cute.”

Connor turned pink. He gently rested a hand on Alex’s cheek. Before Connor had time to process anything, they were kissing. Connor hadn’t ever kissed anyone before, and he felt his heart racing as he overanalyzed whether or not he was kissing Alex right. Connor wasn’t thinking straight either, he was definitely fucked up. Every emotion he’d repressed for months came flooding back, every desire to kiss Alex manifesting itself right then on Alex’s lips. So they kissed. And they kissed again. They kept kissing and Connor didn’t want to stop. He felt like every inch of him was exploding, he was so happy. Alex’s hands roaming his hair, his fingers brushing across Connor’s neck.  

When he finally pulled away from Alex, time came rushing back. Alex suddenly looked confused, and Connor recoiled back. Alex stood from where they had been sitting, and left without another word. Connor’s heart was still racing, his lips still tingling from the contact. He hadn’t had a moment to consider that he had just kissed someone _ ,  _ let alone think about what any of it meant.

Connor, Kimber, and Alex left the party around two in the morning, and Alex was still acting shifty. He was driving--and he shouldn’t have been--and Kimber was talking on and on about something Connor wasn’t listening to. Connor had started to sober up, and as soon as Kimber got dropped off, Connor and Alex were alone in the car. 

Connor wasn’t sure what to do, or what to say, but he had moved up to the passenger seat and he felt an urge to reach over and hold Alex’s hand. He didn’t, and a moment later, he was glad.

“Connor,” Alex said gently as he drove through the empty streets. He stopped the car in a parking lot, and Connor suddenly felt his stomach drop. “I’m not gay.”

Connor felt a strong emotional response to the phrase, mostly protest. If he wasn’t gay, why would he kiss Connor? Why did things feel so good? Why was it when Connor felt Alex’s hands in his hair he felt like he could breathe okay?

There was another emotion Connor was feeling too, something burning in his stomach. It hurt to hear Alex say that. He knew what he was trying to say, and Connor didn’t want to hear it. Connor looked back at Alex, his eyes wide.

“Um,” Connor choked on his words. He had no idea what he was supposed to say. 

Alex leaned back in his seat. “Connor, I’ve known you’ve liked me for a while, and I was fucked up. I let you--”

Connor’s breath caught in his throat, anger suddenly bubbling up inside him. “ _ You  _ kissed  _ me,  _ Alex.”

This obviously wasn’t the thing Alex wanted to hear. Alex let out a huff, aggression mounting. “Shut the fuck up, Murphy. You don’t know shit about me, okay?”

Connor was surprised at Alex’s hostility, and he wanted to escape it. “I’m not gay either, Alex.” Connor shrunk as he said it, because he was  _ lying _ . Which was stupid to worry so much about, because Connor had become accustomed to lying. Especially to his parents. Never to Alex, though. So, when Connor said it, he wanted to believe it. He was talking himself out of feelings for Alex, repeating over and over that he was intoxicated from the party. That he didn’t feel a thing when he kissed Alex, reasoning with himself that he had simply made a drunk mistake.

Alex let out a sigh. “Okay, good.”

Connor smiled, ready to continue driving, but Alex’s face was still stone cold. Connor’s stomach twisted, wondering what else could be wrong. He didn’t ask, and they finally left the parking lot and Alex dropped Connor off at home. Once Connor got inside, he took his time getting ready for bed. His parents were already asleep, and he was glad. Once he got into his room, his phone had about a dozen text messages from Kimber.

**_Kimber:_ **

**_oh my god, connor_ **

**_jesus_ **

**_so you listen to me over and over tell you about how much i like alex and then u ambush him?_ **

**_you weird ass piece of shit!_ **

**_we let you hang out with us, come to upperclassman parties_ **

**_and you fucking kiss alex_ **

**_what the HELL_ **

**_literally youre cool and all but like cut the faggot shit?? wtf_ **

As soon as Connor read the messages, he thought he might throw up. He had just established to Alex he  _ wasn’t  _ gay. Suddenly, he felt resentment. Alex had told Kimber, and he had blamed it on Connor. Connor ignored Kimber’s messages, texting Alex.

**_Connor:_ **

**_what the FUCk_ **

**_why did you tell kimber_ **

**_I was drunk dude, that’s it_ **

**_You kissed me_ **

Alex wasn’t responding. 

**_Connor:_ **

**_I’m not gay_ **

Connor stayed up all night, waiting for a text from Alex, but nothing. The next day at school, Alex and Kimber wouldn’t speak a word to Connor. After that, nothing was the same. Luckily, Kimber and Alex didn’t tell anyone what had happened, but it didn’t change the fact Alex never spoke to Connor again. 

As Connor stared at the photo now, he felt all the anger he had at both Alex and Kimber building up. He wanted to tear the photo in half, but as he looked at Alex, he thought the phrase in his head. What he had denied to Alex that night.

Connor couldn’t bring himself to say it out loud. The amount of shame that was building up inside of him was almost too much. He thought it again, letting the thought settle in, hoping to get comfortable. He wasn’t getting any more comfortable, but he knew it was true. 

He had felt something that night. He felt something now. How do you just pretend you don’t?

Connor had never liked a girl like he’d liked Alex. Like he liked Evan, now. He had never felt anything like when he kissed a boy for the first time. He couldn’t blame it on drugs or alcohol. He couldn’t deny it in this moment, when he was completely sober and his feelings for Evan Hansen hadn’t wavered. 

Angry tears stemming from hot anger started to pour from Connor’s eyes. He didn’t  _ want  _ all of this, goddammit. He was angry at himself, angry at Alex, angry at his parents. He didn’t know where all the anger needed to be directed. He tore the photo in his hands, ripping it into tiny pieces.

“Fuck,” Connor gasped. 

His thoughts wandered to Evan. He wished he hadn’t tangled him up in this. He now understood why Alex had avoided Connor after everything happened. Connor didn’t want Evan to have to deal with all the fucked up shit Connor was going through. Connor was gay, but Evan wasn’t.

Connor didn’t want anyone to find out, either. He didn’t want Evan to comfort him, make it feel like it was okay. No. Connor reaffirmed his newfound passion to spare Evan from all of this drama by avoiding him. 

Connor looked at the torn shreds of the photo in his lap. It felt good to do that.

He needed to smoke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! I'm randomly updating on a Friday because I'm bored at college and need to have something to do.  
> Also...Alex. Yeah. So Now You Know. This may or may not be the last we hear of, or from him.  
> Leave a comment, homies. See you :)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared thinks this is shitty, and Evan can't help but agree.

_ Evan _

Evan hoped Connor’s avoidance of him would get better over the weekend.

It didn’t.

When Evan walked into the main hallway, he saw Connor sitting on the floor, his back pressed against the lockers. His earbuds were in, and Evan could make out the dark circles under his eyes even from twenty feet away. Evan somehow could sense that Connor knew he was there, but Connor didn’t look up from his phone screen. 

Evan missed him. They hadn’t even been friends for very long--only a few weeks--but Evan felt empty without him. Evan had become accustomed to texting Connor every day and hanging out on the weekends. 

He wished he could think of something to do about all of this.

The bell rang, signaling five minutes until Evan would be late. Evan realized he had been standing, staring at Connor this entire time. Connor started to rise from the ground, a piece of hair covering his eye. Evan started to walk toward his class, hyperaware that Connor was walking just behind him. He was so close, Evan could smell him. Soap and cigarettes.

Suddenly, Connor was walking beside Evan. Not right next to him, but about five feet down the hallway. He was silent, his eyes staring straight ahead. Evan tried to keep his eyes in front of him as well, but he couldn’t help but sneak glances at Connor. 

Evan just wished Connor would talk to him. Evan didn’t even know  _ why  _ Connor was so upset, but he had a feeling it had to do with the fact he didn’t have romantic feelings for Evan. Evan knew Connor had only tried kissing him because he was high, anyway.

Evan looked over at Connor again, this time horrified to find that Connor’s eyes met his. Evan looked away as fast as he could, speeding up his pace. His heart was starting to beat quickly, and he was glad to turn a hallway. Evan’s first period was Biology this year, a class he despised. He didn’t feel like doing a dissection today, though Monday was always lab day. 

Evan had been dreading this all weekend. Jared was Evan’s lab partner, and Evan couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Jared, or working with him in silence. He silently hoped Jared wasn’t at school today, but as soon as he walked into the classroom his hopes were shattered. Jared was sitting in his regular seat, eyes locked on his phone. Evan slid into the desk beside him, feeling extremely awkward. Jared didn’t even acknowledge that he was there and it made Evan’s skin crawl. He wanted to tell Jared sorry, but he didn’t know how. 

As they got to work on their lab, Evan and Jared worked together for a good twenty minutes in silence. To Evan’s surprise though, Jared spoke first.

“Can you hand me a different pair of safety goggles?” Jared asked, almost monotone. “These ones are dirty.”

Evan reacted a little too quickly to this, yanking the top drawer of safety items open and examining the goggles carefully. “Do you want yellow ones or blue ones?” Evan asked quietly.

Jared rolled his eyes. “Whichever pair is cleaner, thanks.”

Evan snatched the yellow ones up, placing them in Jared’s outstretched hand carefully. Jared put them on, and Evan returned his focus to their current experiment. Jared let out a gentle sigh, and Evan glanced over at him.

“God,” Jared said aloud, and Evan was unsure if he was even talking to him. “This is shitty.”

Evan’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “The...the experiment? Yeah, I mean dissections make me sick, so--”

Jared shook his head. “No,” He gestured vaguely. “This.”

Evan nodded, pretending he understood. Jared rolled his eyes.

“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?” Jared sighed. 

Evan jumped a little. “No...I--I get it. I do. Um.”

Jared tapped his fingers methodically against the countertop. He looked over at Evan, looking sincere. It was a rare occurrence for Jared, so rare that it caused Evan to put all his attention on this conversation. Evan’s heart was beating again, but he didn’t want to be the first person to speak again.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said finally.

Evan shook his head. “What? No. You don’t...you don’t need to be  _ sorry.  _ I ditched your barbeque, and that was shitty, and--”

Jared interrupted Evan. “No, dude. I’ve been terrible to you. I feel like trash about it. I blew up at you about the stupid barbeque, but when I got thinking about it, I realized that like...I treat you like that all the time.”

Evan was sort of speechless. He didn’t know what to say. Jared was right; he  _ did  _ treat Evan badly a lot of the time. Evan tried to pretend that it didn’t bother him but he knew it did. He also knew that Jared was the closest thing he’d ever have for a best friend. 

“I...um. It’s okay, Jared. I shouldn’t have ditched you like that, I’m sorry, and I should have probably tried to apologize to you again. I’m sorry.” Evan replied at last, his voice shaking a bit. When he looked up to meet Jared’s gaze, he realized Jared was focusing his eyes on their specimen much closer than Evan would have wanted to.

Jared shrugged, trying to play off the thick emotion around them. “Like...if you want to, I can drive you to school again,” As soon as he said it, he added, “Unless Murphy is driving you.”

Evan’s heart beat faster at the mention of Connor. “Um, no. He’s not driving me. We’re...we’re in a weird place right now,” Evan skated across the last bit as smoothly as he could, praying Jared wouldn’t read into what he had just said. 

Jared raised an eyebrow. “Did you guys get into a fight or something?”

Evan tapped his foot nervously against the floor. He was worried he was going to start hyperventilating, since he wasn’t ready to tell Jared yet. In this moment, he knew he  _ really  _ wasn’t ready. 

“Sort of,” Evan decided to say. “It’s a long story.”

Jared held his hands up in surrender. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I don’t need to hear about your drama with Connor.”

Evan smiled a little. “Uh, thanks. Really.”

Jared nodded, then focused on their work again. He poked the specimen a few times, then said, “Whatever.”

When class ended, Evan felt a lot better than he had that morning. He still felt his stomach flop and twist when he thought about Connor, but at least things were patched up with Jared. That was good. 

As Evan thought these things, he saw Connor again. He looked at him from a safer distance this time, all the way on the other side of the hallway. Connor was walking with a purpose, his hands clutching the strap of his shoulder bag. Evan noticed it was also covered with pins, just like Connor’s jacket. Evan realized he hadn’t seen Connor wear the jacket he’d given Evan since the day they had almost kissed. Evan bit the inside of his cheek. He’d really ruined Connor’s jacket for him, too. 

Connor looked at Evan this time, and Evan’s heart leapt. He was far enough away from him that it was less terrifying now, so he stared back. The mutual glance felt like it lasted for a million years, both boys ogling at each other like they were at a zoo. For a second, Evan thought Connor was going to smile at him. 

Instead, he flipped around and walked away, leaving Evan staring at an empty spot in the hallway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi hi im updating again and im getting close to the end of my prewritten chapters....AH!!   
> here, we resolve the jared and evan conflict. I figured yall needed that after the whole Alex thing.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk rock cures all.

_Connor_

Connor was having a really, really hard time avoiding Evan. 

The awkward staring matches in the hallways were enough for Connor to get paranoid other people would notice what was going on. At lunch, Connor saw Evan sitting with Jared at a table towards the middle of the lunchroom, looking friendlier than they had any time before. Connor’s stomach twisted in jealousy, but he tried to ignore it. 

He went outside and sat in his usual spot in the bleachers. It was far too cold now to be sitting outside, but Connor ignored that. He found himself peering through the windows into the lunchroom frequently, watching Jared and Evan laughing. He ate his celery more aggressively than intended. 

As Connor tried to focus on other things, he thought about Alex again. He didn’t really want to, but it dug into him anyway. Alex was the one who had shown him this lunch spot, so it was inevitable. Connor dug his nails into his forearm, tapping his foot. 

A voice drew him out of his trancelike state, causing Connor to jump slightly. “Hey, Connor.”

Connor turned his head to see Evan standing awkwardly in front of him. Connor had no idea what to say back. He wanted to tell Evan to leave, or to stand up and walk away from him, but he couldn’t. He was trapped in time, his breath caught in his throat. What could he do?

Evan pointed to the empty space beside Connor. “Can I...sit here?”

Connor nodded, and Evan planted himself in the spot beside him. Evan didn’t have any food left, so Connor suspected he had finished it inside. “Where’s Jared?” Connor asked. He wished that wasn’t the first thing he had said. He also wished it hadn’t come out so snippy. 

Evan didn’t seem to mind, and instead stretched his legs out. “He had a teacher to talk to, which was fine. I wanted to talk to you. I mean. If that’s  _ okay _ , I guess.” Evan hurried a bit at the end, and Connor bit his lip. He was nervous too.

Connor didn’t have a response. Luckily, Evan seemed to know this.

“You don’t...you don’t have to explain. You don’t need to explain what happened. We don’t have to talk about it, unless you want to.” Evan squeaked, his voice barely a whisper. “If you aren’t ready to talk about this, you don’t have to. I won’t make you.” Evan looked to Connor, his face nervous and apologetic.

Connor was grateful. “Okay.” He coughed, running his fingers against the cool surface of the bleachers. Every part of him was buzzing, and Connor felt his heart racing, but he tried to play it off.

Evan smiled a little, letting out a nervous bout of laughter. “Okay, cool.” There was a long silence between the two, and Evan finally added, “So, we’re friends again?”

Connor thought about Alex again. He thought about how Alex and Kimber never really spoke to him after the party. He thought about how badly it hurt. Since then, the only real friend he had was Evan. He wasn’t sure he was ready to let that go.

“Yeah,” Connor replied quietly. “We’re friends.”

Just then, the bell rang signaling the end of lunchtime. Connor started to stand up, but Evan stayed where he was. Connor looked at him confused, and Evan shrugged. 

“Do you maybe want to skip?” Evan asked him. 

Connor grinned. “I mean, I’m always down for ditching class, but only if you’re okay with it.”

Evan nodded quickly. “Yeah, I want to skip. I can’t stand going to class right now, I think.”

Connor and Evan ended up driving aimlessly for a long while. It was too cold to go to the orchard now, though Evan insisted he would be  _ fine.  _ Connor knew that wasn’t true, so he drove them as far south as he could. Evan leaned his head against the window, and Connor settled into the comfortable silence between them. It was amazing how Connor felt so relaxed around Evan, even when Evan was quiet. 

Connor was trying not to grow into tender feelings now he had come to terms with his feelings, at least in his head. The thought of saying the words out loud still made him queasy. So what if he had a big cheesy crush on Evan? He could deal with that, he thought. Plenty of people had crushes on their friends. It would probably wear off, anyway. 

Evan and Connor ended up talking about Evan’s past, something they had only done before vaguely over Twitter. 

“My dad left when I was a kid.” Evan mentioned off-handedly, sounding bitter. “He has other kids now, and a new wife. He calls me sometimes, like once a year on my birthday. It’s weird, I don’t know. Is it bad for me to say I don’t love him? Like, I think I might...hate him, even.”

Connor shook his head, turning down the radio so they could talk without interruption. “No. I don’t...I don’t think I love my dad either. He hates me too, so it’s not like it’s unexpected. I used to be close with Zoe and my mom, but never my dad. Things got hard once I got into ninth grade, but my dad and I had always avoided each other. Once things started getting bad with my depression and stuff, he disconnected completely. I don’t know.” Connor rambled on, his words coming out like vomit. Evan was listening intently, his face softening at the words.

“I’m sorry, Connor,” Evan replied gently. 

Connor shrugged. “It’s my fault, a lot of it. I mean...not the depression. But the drug use, and whatnot. It used to be worse, you know. Rehab helped with that. I still smoke weed and cigarettes and destroy my damn lungs, though.”

Evan shifted. “Worse how?”

Connor tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “When I was a sophomore, I had these other friends,” Connor held his breath after saying this. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about Kimber and Alex before. “They got me into hard drugs. Like, perscription-type stuff. This one time, I got so fucked up in the park some runner called 911 the next morning because they had found me passed out. They were older than me, and they took me to parties and shit. It was a bad time for me.”

Evan didn’t respond for a minute. Then he said, “How did you get away from them?”

Connor wasn’t sure what to say. He wanted to lie to Evan, or leave out parts of the truth, but he felt safe right now. Comfortable. 

“I kissed Alex,” Connor whispered. “Well, he kissed me, I guess. Either way, he didn’t really take well to it. So...they just kind of. Ditched me.”

Evan nodded, not even phased by what Connor had just said. He didn’t question him, or act surprised, though Connor could probably guess why Evan wasn’t shocked at this. Connor was still nervous to say the actual words to Evan, mentally pacing nervously about whether or not Evan was disgusted by this--but Evan said something first.

“I’m bisexual,” Evan’s breath caught in his throat. His voice was shaking. After he said it, he started laughing. It was nervous at first, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to say it. Or maybe he wasn’t sure why he had to. Soon though, the laugh was genuine. It make Connor’s insides twist. He was now tensed up, his mind running a thousand different directions. He wanted to come out to Evan too, clear every secret they had from each other up. It was so scary, though. Connor kept trying to say it, but the words caught before he could say them every time.

“Cool, dude,” Connor finally said, sounding calm though he felt like he was spinning. Evan started to talk again, and Connor tried to listen, even with his mind screaming in every direction. Evan was changing the subject now, trying to divert things.

“I’m gay,” Connor blurted out, so quickly he wondered if Evan could even understand him. “Shit, sorry for interrupting you.”

Evan shook his head. “It’s okay, really. Don’t worry about it.” There was a long silence before Evan added, “Thanks for telling me.”

Connor pressed his lips together. “I haven’t told anyone before.”

Evan let out a breath. “Me either.” Then he laughed again, nervous and quick. Connor mirrored it.

Connor didn’t really want to talk about this anymore, mostly so he wouldn’t overthink anything. Now, it was his turn to change the conversation. He remembered something that was in the back of his car, and reached back with one hand while he kept his eyes on the road. 

He grabbed what he was looking for, throwing it into Evan’s lap. “Here, you forgot this.”

Evan stared at it. “Your jacket? Connor, if you still want this you can ha--”

Connor interrupted Evan, correcting him. “ _ Your  _ jacket, remember? I told you, it suits you. Seriously, keep it. I mean it.”

Evan smiled wide, unbuckling his seat belt to put the jacket on. Once it was on, he smiled comfortably. “Thanks, man.”

Connor glanced over at Evan, who was smiling. It really made no sense that Evan looked so  _ good  _ in that jacket of Connor’s. Maybe it was some possessive thing, but Connor would have to be ashamed of that later. He reached to turn the radio back on, sighing in response to the song that was playing. Connor’s aux cord had recently stopped working, so he looked to Evan.

“Hey, in the glovebox, there are some CDs. Will you grab the one on top for me?” Connor asked Evan, keeping his eyes on the road. Normally, he’d reach over and do it himself, but he didn’t want to give Evan a panic attack by taking his focus from driving.

Evan reached in, carefully taking out the CD from the case and handing it over to Connor. Connor pushed it into the slot, turning the music up. He felt kind of sheepish playing this music now, not really knowing why, since he had made Evan listen to much more brash things in the car before. Yet, after the conversation they just had, it felt weird to blast punk rock.

“Sorry,” Connor apologized when the first song on the tracklist started playing. “If you don’t like the music, we can change it.”

Evan shook his head in response. “No, I. I like it, actually. Is that weird? Maybe you’re converting me to becoming emo.” Evan laughed. 

Connor chuckled. “That’s all a part of my evil plan, you see. I just needed another emo friend. I’m too punk rock for polo shirts.” 

They both laughed at this. The second song on the tracklist played, and Connor sort of wanted to skip it. It reminded him a lot of his dad, the lyrics were so angry. They didn’t though, and Evan and Connor listened to the entire album. As the album started to replay, Connor had an idea. He looked over at Evan nervously.

“So...feel free to say no,” Connor began. “But would you maybe be interested in coming with me in a few weeks? To this concert?” As soon as Connor said it, he sort of wished he hadn’t, because Evan had anxiety and probably wouldn’t be able to handle the atmosphere of a concert like this one. He just. He wanted someone to come with him.

Evan surprised Connor. “Yeah, I want to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THEY MADE UP UR WELCOME PALS


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Jared to know.

_Evan_

Evan texted Jared after school on Friday.

**_Evan:_ **

**_Hey! What are you up to tomorrow morning?_ **

**_Jared:_ **

**_Dying hopefully_ **

**_Evan:_ **

**_?_ **

**_Jared:_ **

**_dam never mind. why?_ **

**_Evan:_ **

**_I was wondering if you would want to come to Ellison with me?_ **

**_Jared:_ **

**_y dont u ask connor_ **

That message, in particular, was filled with  _ quite  _ the plethora of heart emojis. Evan felt his face heat up in response.

**_Evan:_ **

**_I want to take you :D I think you’ll like it._ **

**_Plus out of the two of us, you have the car._ **

**_Jared:_ **

**_oh … tempting_ **

**_Evan:_ **

**_Please???_ **

**_I know someone who can get us free parking_ **

**_Jared:_ **

**_fine . tomorrow morning, ill pick u up._ **

**_***_ **

Jared was the first to speak about twenty minutes into the nearly silent drive from Evan’s to Ellison. It began with a cough, as if to alert Evan he was going to talk.

“How did you get here for work in the summer when you don’t have your driver’s license?” He wondered.

Evan shrugged. “I took the train.”

Jared laughed a little, raising an eyebrow. “ _ You?  _ Taking the train? Didn’t you used to have panic attacks riding the school bus back in middle school?” These words may have been taken in a hurtful way any other time, but Jared sounded light-hearted. Evan laughed in response. 

“Shut  _ up,  _ okay, I got a train pass and just got on so early in the morning it was nearly empty. I just could listen to music and watch out the window.” Evan explained. Jared nodded, turning right at a stop light. They were only about twenty minutes away now, and Evan found himself not even worrying about how they would fill that time. 

This was new for time with Jared.

So, they talked. Jared made jokes.

Few were at Evan’s expense.

The only ones that were...they were about Connor. Which Evan just swatted away as fast as the questions came. It felt good, to be friends like this. Natural, even. 

There was a reason Evan was asking Jared to come to Ellison, something he’d been thinking about telling him. The story about how he broke his arm.

The only person who knew was Connor, and they hadn’t talked about it much. Since Connor had invited Evan to the concert, they hung out a lot. Usually, they didn’t talk about anything. Sometimes, when Connor had bad days, Evan came over and would lay on his bedroom floor so he didn’t have to be alone. When Evan was struggling, Connor would come over and order dinner for him and they’d binge watch tv shows. Sometimes, Evan would spend most of it wishing he could kiss Connor.

Which was probably perverted, but whatever.

All this time with Connor had made Evan realize however that he wanted Jared to know about his arm. They were doing better. He didn’t like lying to Jared anymore.

Once they reached Ellison, Evan directed Jared to the parking booth he knew Andrea would be working at. As they pulled through, she smiled brightly. 

“Oh God! Hi Evan! How are you? We miss you around here.” She gushed. 

Evan chuckled. “I miss it too! How’s the park with the impending doom of Winter coming up?”

Andrea shrugged, not really answering. Evan knew how winter operated at Ellison--the park stayed open, but most employees were seasonal. The few guests Ellison entertained during the winter were usually tourists or cross country skiers. Andrea worked winters, and many had assured Evan their jobs were just as involved during the colder months.

“Oh you know,” Andrea finally said. “Getting ready for first snowfall.”

Evan nodded. It was nearly November. Sometimes, the first snow came before Halloween arrived. “How much is parking?” Evan asked, seeing a small flash of panic in Jared’s eyes when he did. He knew Andrea would give him free parking, but he felt like it would be rude to assume. 

Andrea winked. “Oh darling, you know it’s free. Go on through. Stay warm. There might not be any snow, but it’s still cold as hell out where Evan likes to go.” 

Evan laughed nervously, shaking his hand. “I’m actually going to show Jared the East forest, this time.”

Andrea shrugged a little, obviously confused. Evan  _ always  _ spent his time in the West. It was a rare occasion to see anything different. Of course, Evan knew that the reason he spent most of his time in West had something to do with that tree in the East. 

Jared didn’t know any better. He just drove through and headed East. Evan felt suddenly more solemn, in this moment. Jared must have sensed it, because there were no more jokes. No more music on the radio. Everything felt still. When they finally reached the parking lot, Evan immediately swung his door open, the cold air stinging his face. He grabbed his coat from the backseat, shrugging it on. He regretted not bringing a hat, now, since his ears felt ice cold. 

Jared, however, hadn’t forgotten. A blue hat with a pom-pom on top covered his ears snugly. Evan resisted the urge to laugh at the sight. Jared must have picked up on this, because he rolled his eyes. 

“Shut up, my aunt Rebecca knitted it for me.”

Evan shook his head, starting up the East trail. Jared seemed to be struggling to keep up, but Evan feared if he slowed down long enough to look Jared in the face he’d chicken out. He wanted Jared to know. It was important. 

When Evan confided to his therapist about all of this, she was proud of him. She told him she thought telling Jared, if he was ready, was a great idea. Of course, his therapist didn’t know about the suicide attempt. She thought Evan was only going to tell Jared about his anxiety and depression.

So, Evan deliberated. For a long time, actually. Back and forth. Then back again. Then, he decided that, yes, he would tell Jared. It would clear things up. 

Evan could see the small man-made break in the trail toward the field where he knew the tree was. Evan stepped toward it, and Jared finally caught up, huffing. 

“Dude,” He gasped between breaths. “I’m not as in shape as you,  _ slow down- _ -where are you going?”

Evan tried to hide the shake in his voice when he mumbled, “I want to show you something.”

Jared didn’t understand, that enough was clear in his confused expression. Somehow, though, he knew it was important. So he followed Evan until they were in a small grove of oak trees. They looked different now, the few leaves that remained on the branches a deep shade of orange. Somehow, it made Evan feel better. It would have been eerie if the trees looked the same as they had the day Evan had been there last.

Jared rocked back on his heels, breaking the silence that had been filling up space. Evan hadn’t even noticed. “Evan, are you alright?”

Evan nodded too quickly. “Yes,” Then, he shook his head. “Um, no. Not really. I--um.”

Jared looked concerned now, but waited for Evan to elaborate. Evan suddenly felt like the words were trapped in his throat. It felt like he couldn’t say the words even if he wanted to. Luckily, they came.

“This is where I broke my arm,” Evan said, his voice barely above a whisper. “That tree, right there. In the middle.”

Jared looked up, making his way over to the tree Evan had pointed out. He looked up the trunk. “Damn,” He chuckled. “That’s a high fall. I’m surprised you’re alive.”

It was a joke, but it made Evan feel sick. This time, the words weren’t trapped. In fact, they spilled out before Evan could even think about how he was going to say it. “I didn’t fall.”

Jared didn’t understand. Or maybe he didn’t want to. “What do you mean?”

“I let go.”

Jared’s mouth hung open. His hands curled around the bottom of his jacket. “Evan, what? You what?”

“I felt alone,” Evan whispered. “I felt like...nothing would be different at all if I disappeared. Like... no one would notice. So I climbed up--it wasn’t even planned--but I stumbled and then I just...wondered. What if I let go? So I did.” Evan could feel tears streaming down his face, and he wiped snot with his jacket sleeve. He’d been avoiding Jared’s eyes, and when he met them,  _ Jared was crying.  _

“Evan,” Jared sniffled. “God damn it, I would have cared. You should have told me.”

Evan nodded, guilty. “I know. I just...didn’t want you to see this broken piece of me.”

Jared suddenly pulled Evan into a hug, which was totally out of character. Enough that Evan just took it in for a second before hugging back. He cried some more, and Jared did too. 

“I care about you, asshole.” Jared declared. “If you ever hide shit from me again, I’ll…” He didn’t finish what he was saying, his voice trailing off.

When the hug finally broke, both boys were sniffling messes. Evan felt his chest tighten, happy he’d told Jared. Jared turned toward the tree trunk again, running his hand across the rough wood. Evan did the same, a shiver up his spine. 

“Can we go?” Evan asked quietly. “Now that--I’ve shown you. I don’t really...like being here. I can take you to some better places.”

Jared nodded. “Hell yeah, dude. I just want to see some god damn squirrels.”

Evan laughed, and he and Jared started back toward Jared’s car. After a second, Evan felt bold. He cleared his throat.

“Since we’re not hiding things, um. There’s another thing.” Jared raised his eyebrow. “I think I have a huge cheesy crush on Connor.”

_ Jared laughed. “Oh my  _ GOD, I KNEW IT _ !” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI SO  
> this is kind of the end of my pre-written chapters. Which really sucks because ahhhh I procrastinate so much. BUT! I am hoping to keep this story updating regularly. I have the chapter after this halfway done, and then the next two chapters following that done as well.  
> ps leave a comment because if u do i may be motivated to write more lol have a good one


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe finds out some unsettling news, and Connor decides to help distract her.

_Connor_

Connor woke up a week before the concert to knocking on his door.

Normally, he’d either pretend to be asleep to avoid his mother, or tell his father to kindly fuck off. But today, the knocking was different. It didn’t sound accusatory, which meant it wasn’t a parent. Connor sat up in his bed, rubbing his eyes groggily. 

“Who is it?” He asked, even though he already knew. 

Zoe opened the door timidly, standing in her pajamas, looking like hell. Her makeup from the night before hadn’t been taken off, the black eyeliner now smudged all around her eyes. Connor could tell she had been crying.

“Are you alright?” He asked, wondering why he cared all of a sudden. Before, he hadn’t given two fucks about Zoe. In fact, he’d been the one to make her cry more than once. Still, he felt...protective of her. Which wasn’t really fair.

Zoe looked at her feet. “Yeah,” She lied unconvincingly. “Do you want to hang out today?”

“What?” Connor raised an eyebrow. “You think that--”

Zoe’s face dropped. “No, no, no. You don’t...you don’t have to. I just…” She sounded deflated, defeated even. Connor hated being the cause of that.

“No,” He said before he could think much about it. “I mean yes. Let’s hang out.”

Zoe’s eyes brightened. “Okay. Yay! Um. Get dressed. We can just...get out of the house, or something.”

Then she disappeared to get ready herself. Connor sat confused on his bed for a moment. Since when did Zoe, who avoided him at every turn of the heel, want to spend an afternoon with him? 

Connor showered after a few minutes, changing into a fresh pair of clothes. Once he was done, he walked into the kitchen where his father was drinking coffee at the table. He looked up from his phone in suspicion, eyeing Connor.

“You’re up before noon? On a  _ Saturday? _ ” Larry was shocked. Connor rolled his eyes, turning toward the refrigerator and pulling out a carton of chocolate milk. Just because he was feeling reckless, he drank straight from the container, finishing what was left.

“Connor!” His mother scolded from behind him, entering the kitchen. “You know you shouldn’t be doing that.” Connor put the carton in the trash, turning and striding across the kitchen, meeting Zoe at the front door. 

“Ready to go?” He asked her. Cynthia poked her head into the entryway, intrigued. 

“Where are you two going?” She asked, not able to cover the excitement bubbling up in her voice. Connor would have been irritated, but he knew why she was acting this way. She was  _ always  _ pestering both Connor and Zoe to spend time together. Neither of them ever wanted to. They hadn’t spent time on their own together since Connor was in the seventh grade. 

Zoe shrugged, pulling on a yellow jacket. “Not sure.” She wasn’t lying, but it dawned on Connor that he had no idea what they were actually going to  _ do.  _

Connor waved to his mom, ignoring the bewildered face Larry was making in the kitchen. They shuffled out the front door, hurrying to the car. It was raining outside, which Connor was kind of happy about. He always felt good when it rained. 

He’d read studies that people in rainy climates were more depressed, but he seemed to feel a lot better when it rained. Which was probably good for Zoe, since it also put him in a good mood. 

Connor put the car into reverse, backing out of the driveway. Once he was on the street, he drove forward, not saying anything. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t know what to say. So, they drove, the radio producing more static than music. Finally, Connor spoke.

“Where are we going?” He asked. Zoe’s head snapped up, like she had been in a trance. 

“Sorry,” She apologized. “Um, I don’t really have a plan.” She still didn’t look quite right, but Connor felt weird asking her what was going on. So, he wasn’t going to. Until he realized Zoe was sitting in the passenger seat of his car, crying.

It was a quiet cry. Like Zoe was trying to keep Connor from noticing. Which was ridiculous, because he absolutely did. So he tapped his fingers gingerly against the steering wheel, and finally shut off the radio. 

“What’s going on?” He asked cautiously. Zoe looked back at him, somehow surprised Connor even asked. Which hurt Connor a little, because was he really that detached she thought he wouldn’t ask her why she was crying?

“Do you remember when you were hospitalized last summer?” She asked gently. 

Connor nodded. “Yeah.”

“I didn’t...I didn’t know. I didn’t know why.” She whispered, mostly to her boots. Connor raised an eyebrow.

“I would have thought Mom or Dad would have said something.” Connor replied, slightly confused. He had always thought that Zoe knew about everything.  _ He’d  _ never told her, but he was sure his parents had said something. Explained. Made things make sense. She deserved that, at least.

Zoe shook her head sadly. “No, nothing. I didn’t know.”

Connor tightened his jaw, trying to keep his composure. “Is that why you’re upset?”

“You need  _ help _ , Connor.” Zoe said, as if it was simple. “You need to be medicated...or go to therapy. Or something. I don’t know.”

Connor ran a hand through his hair. “We tried therapy.” He didn’t explain, because he knew that Zoe would understand what he meant: It didn’t work. 

“So, medication then?”

Connor scoffed. “Dad believes depression is a state of mind, Zo.”

Zoe furrowed her brow, looking angry. “Well...well that’s fucking stupid!”

“Why do you  _ care  _ so much?” Connor asked, not accusingly, or angry. Just numb. “It doesn’t matter. It’s not worth it.”

“Because...because...you. You’re so angry. And it makes me sad. And...and it hurts me too, Connor. It hurts me.”

Which of course, made Connor feel like shit. He was  _ hurting  _ Zoe. He’d known it for years, but it was worse hearing it come from her lips. He’d threatened to kill her, for God’s sake. And here she was, crumbling in the passenger seat of his car because she’d found out he wasn’t medicated.

The rain was still coming down now. Connor looked over at Zoe.

“I’m sorry.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper. He hoped she knew that he meant it. “It’s not fair of me...to drag you into this. I know that. I’m sorry.”

Zoe wiped her tears. “God, you’re different.”

“What?”  
“You’re different. It’s like...you’re nicer. Or allowing yourself to be? I don’t know.”

Connor felt himself turn red, because he knew exactly why. He hoped Zoe didn’t notice. Instead, he just didn’t reply for a bit. By now, he was realizing how close to the orchard they were.

“Hey,” Connor said, changing the subject. “You want to go somewhere?”

Zoe raised an eyebrow. “Where?”

Connor smirked. “You’ll have to wait and see.”

She was quiet, until Connor drove the winding road toward the orchard.

“Oh my god,” Zoe gasped as they passed the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard sign. “I haven’t been here in ages.”

Connor pulled into the parking lot. He looked over at Zoe. “You want to get out?” He offered.

“It’s raining.”

“Who gives a shit?”

Zoe paused, biting her lip. “Okay.”

They both emerged from the car, the cold rainy air encircling them like a hug. Connor started toward the rows of trees first, noticing how beautiful they looked painted orange and red like this. He briefly wished he had brought Evan earlier in the season. 

“How did you even remember this place?” Zoe wondered aloud as they trekked up the hills. Connor shrugged, trying to downplay the red in his ears.

“Evan and I came once,” He informed her. 

Zoe raised her eyebrows tauntingly when Connor said that. Connor pushed her shoulder, causing her to stumble. Then, her eyes caught the creek flowing in the south. 

“Hey, look!” She exclaimed, pointing and taking Connor by the wrist. “Remember this?” She asked once they stood by the bank of the water. 

“Yeah,” Connor mumbled. “When dad fucking crashed our plane?”

Zoe shook her head, though she laughed at the memory. They were soaked to the bone, now. Connor didn’t mind. 

“We used to do the whole sword fight thing, with the sticks?” She tried to prod the memory. “You know?”  
Connor did remember. “Oh, yeah.”

Then, Connor pushed Zoe’s shoulder forward a bit, teasing her.

“Hey, fucker!” She cried. “I almost fell in!”

Connor shrugged tauntingly. “What are you gonna do about it?”

She laughed, snatching a long tree branch from the ground. Connor mirrored her, facing her with the stick across his chest. 

“I challenge you,” Zoe announced, leaping forward and stabbing the stick sword at Connor’s chest. He dodged it, then replied. 

“You will regret that.”

So, they battled it out in the pouring rain. 

Connor didn’t know who had won.

He didn’t even care.

When they finally made their way home, Connor stopped and got them both coffee on the way. He was even nice enough to avoid the temptation of the shock factor of walking inside soaking wet and opted for the drive thru. 

He was in such a fucking good mood, that even Larry’s scolding about going out in the rain didn’t bother him. Zoe seemed to feel a lot better, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES I KNOW THIS IS LATE IM SORRY I HAD A PAPER, PROJECT, AND HAD TO READ AN ENTIRE BOOK IN TWO DAYS. FORGIVE ME WITH THIS SOFT CONTENT  
> leave a comment the next chapter is *WHIP*


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk rock heals all (Pt. 2).

_ Evan _

It was probably a little bit out of character that Evan said yes to going to the concert. Truth was, Evan hadn’t ever been to one before. He didn’t really know what to expect. He’d been to symphony and choir concerts on field trips, but something told him this would be nothing like that. 

The show started at seven, and Connor was picking Evan up at five thirty. Evan had spent all day deliberating on what to wear, which was probably stupid, but he wanted anything but to stand out. Usually, it was Connor who stuck out like a sore thumb, but Evan wondered if things would switch around this time. 

Evan dug in his closet for the only pair of black pants he owned. They were old, and probably didn’t fit well anymore, but it was all he really had. He wore one of his regular shirts, but buttoned Connor’s jacket on top of it. When he looked in the mirror, he almost laughed out loud. He looked nothing like himself.

Just then, he heard Connor honking outside. Which sent Evan into a bout of butterflies. There was still the small issue that Evan definitely had feelings for Connor. Evan still had major urges to sometimes just.

Hold Connor’s hand.

Which was.

Oh, god.

Evan bounded down the stairs, swinging open the door and locking it behind him. His mom was working a graveyard shift, so he hadn’t really told her where he was going. When he got into the passenger seat of Connor’s car, Connor just looked at Evan for a moment.

Finally, he laughed. “Okay, what the hell are you wearing?”

“I--I didn’t really want to...stand out.” Evan explained, blushing.”Do I look stupid?”

Connor reached forward. “Just…” He messed up Evan’s hair a little, because of course he would, since... who wears all black with perfectly gelled hair? “There.”

They drove to the venue. Evan wanted to ask questions, but they were mostly lame so Evan kept quiet. Connor seemed to be in a good mood, listening to the music and smiling a little. Evan liked it when he did that. He liked it a lot. Which, upon realizing he was definitely staring now, he just looked forward, praying to God that he could get through this night without creeping Connor out.

When they got to the venue, there was a line of people at the door. Evan looked at Connor inquisitively. Connor shrugged. “General admission,” he explained as if that meant much to Evan.

They waited in line outside the venue, and now Evan was really glad Connor had given him his jacket, because it was really cold. Evan’s hands were freezing, and for a terrifying moment, he considered what it would be like if he could just hold Connor’s hand right now.

He shoved them into his pockets, instead.

***

The concert was really loud, terribly sweaty, and because the venue was so small, everyone was packed like sardines. 

Everything about this said Evan should hate it. He  _ should  _ have been panicking right now, or wishing to go home, but he wasn’t.

He was happy.

He didn’t know where this whole dancing like no one else was there came from, but he was doing it. He was singing along too--he voice almost hoarse. He thought Connor looked really amused by all of this, but he seemed not to care much, because he was jumping around too.

Evan felt so...bold. He felt like nothing mattered. Which actually almost gave him a panic attack thinking about it, but he willed it away by focusing on Connor’s face. The music was so loud Connor kept saying things but Evan didn’t hear any of them, so he just nodded and laughed because what else could he really do?

Connor was smiling all over, which Evan liked. He liked liked liked it a lot and it was making his stomach twist in every direction because Connor was  _ smiling  _ and he was jumping so his hair was all over the place and he was sweating too but it was just. 

He looked really pretty.

Evan was sort of an impulse decision maker. Always had been. He either thought too much about everything, or he would do things without a second thought and possibly regret it later. 

“You look so good right now,” Evan tried to yell over the music.

“What?” Connor called back, moving his head as to hear Evan better.

“You look happy,” Evan tried again, but to no avail. Connor shook his head.

“I can’t hear you.”

Evan wasn’t sure why he did it, but before he could think about it, he kissed him. Which surprised Evan almost as much as it surprised Connor. 

It was everything. Every feeling he'd ever repressed, hidden. Everything he'd locked away in an attic to keep from everyone around him. Connor's lips were so warm, and they seemed to fit like a puzzle piece. Evan didn't even know how to kiss anyone, let alone someone like Connor. Yet, it felt so right. Natural.

As soon as Evan realized what he had done, he pulled back.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry, I just--”

Evan didn’t get to finish, because Connor had grabbed Evan by the collar of his jacket and kissed him back. Evan didn’t know exactly what was happening, but he didn’t want it to stop. His heart was hammering out of his chest, but for the first time, it felt good. It felt like it was meant to be happening.

They were in the middle of this crowd, shoulder to shoulder with all the people around them and they were kissing. In front of everyone.

No, they weren’t kissing. Kissing was too innocent of a word to describe what was happening right now. Because Evan had his hands in Connor’s hair and Connor kept going and sometimes they broke for air, but in this moment, Evan felt quite euphoric.

***

They left the concert shortly after the kiss. The Kiss. 

The band they had been there to see finished their set, and even though they had originally been planning to stay for the entirety of the concert, they both agreed that they kind of felt like leaving.

Of course, the second they were out of the venue and walking together in the silent night air, Evan’s newfound sense of boldness and bravery vanished. Now, he was letting it sink in that he definitely just made out with Connor in front of at least a hundred people and that he probably had to move and change his name and-

“Hey,” Connor waved his hand in front of Evan’s face. “Where did you go?”

Evan shook his head back into reality. “Oh. I um. Just thinking, I guess.”

Connor scoffed. “You guess?” Then he paled, his eyes on his shoes. “If this is about what happened in there, it’s fine. I get it. We don’t have to talk about it again if you don’t want to.”

Evan waved his arms.”Wait, no, no. I don’t regret that. It was nice. I…” Evan scratched the back of his neck, trying to find the right words. “I liked it.” He finished lamely.

Connor was red all over, and Evan noticed his skin was getting all patchy on his neck. Connor looked terribly embarrassed, but he was grinning all over. “Um. Yeah, me too.” He replied.

Evan found himself blushing in response, so he just said, “Cool.”

“Perfect,” Connor replied.

“Awesome.”

“Yep.”

***

Connor waited in Evan’s driveway as Evan walked to the front door, waiting to make sure Evan got in okay. Evan bounced up the steps to his porch, reaching the door and feeling in his pocket for his house key. Then he realized.

His pocket was empty.

Starting to panic, he searched his other pockets. Nothing. The key must have fallen out when they were at the concert. Evan spun around on his heel, walking back to Connor’s car shamefully.

“So,” Evan said once he reached the driver’s side door. Connor looked slightly confused. “My mom isn’t home, and I definitely lost my house key at the concert.”

Connor motioned to the passenger side. “That’s fine. You can sleep at my house.” 

Evan shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “Are your parents going to be okay with that?”

Connor shrugged. “I can sneak you in. No one has to know.”

Normally, Evan would have protested. But that would have meant sleeping on the lawn, so he got in Connor’s car.   
***

Once they were back at the Murphy’s, Evan followed Connor quietly to his bedroom. It felt weird doing this, especially since the last time Evan had been in this bedroom was when Connor had kissed him and then kicked him out of the house.

Once they were in Connor’s bedroom, Connor made sure the door was shut tightly before turning on the light. Evan kicked off his shoes, placing them neatly by the door. Evan unbuttoned Connor’s jacket, hanging it on the chair at Connor’s desk. Evan kind of stood around, waiting for Connor to say something. Connor noticed, turning toward his dresser.

“Shit. Do you need something to wear? I mean, of course you do. Sorry. I just…” He crossed the room and started digging through his drawers, looking for something Evan could wear. “I usually don’t sleep in--”

Connor didn’t finish his sentence. He didn’t need to. Evan was already wishing his hormonal teenage thoughts away.

Finally, Connor came up with some old sweatpants and a plain black tee shirt. Evan made Connor turn away when he put them on, feeling incredibly awkward because now he was changing in Connor’s bedroom into Connor’s clothes after he also just kissed Connor less than an hour ago.

Once Evan was wearing the clothes, Connor motioned toward his bed. You can sleep there. Normally I’d put you in the guest room, or something, but since my parents don’t know you’re here I’ll just sleep on the ground.”

Evan looked at the bed and then back at Connor. “No, it’s okay. I can sleep on the ground. It’s your bed, anyway.”

Connor shook his head.”No, I-”

“Let’s do rock paper scissors, then.” Evan chuckled. When they did it, they both used scissors. So they tried again. And they both used rock. Evan sighed.

“We can both fit,” Evan suggested, sort of quiet because he didn’t know if that was weird. “It is like...a full bed.”

Connor nodded, onboard but seeming a little jittery. Evan was pretty sure that Connor liked him too, but then again, did people kiss their friends platonically? Evan knew the answer was no, but it still was in the back of his mind. 

After a minute, Connor and Evan were in the bed, and Evan was suddenly  _ very  _ hyper-aware of the fact a full bed wasn’t much larger than a twin. Evan was lying awake, wondering if Connor had already fallen asleep when Connor spoke out in a hoarse voice.

“Evan?” He croaked.

Evan jumped a little. “Connor?”

“So, um, about what happened. Earlier.” Connor sounded really nervous. “I don’t know if this is really the best time to ask but. Can I...like. Kiss you again?”

Evan was really, really glad it was so dark in Connor’s room, because  _ ho-ly shit _ he was probably blushing red as a tomato.

Evan did want that, though.

So he just said, “Uh, yeah.”

So they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So: storytime.  
> I have been literally so. Antsy. To post this chapter. I was like: Lindsey, you updated on Friday. You have to AT LEAST wait until Sunday. Then I realized:  
> A. I CONTROL MY OWN LIFE  
> B. I have no self control.  
> And so, yeah, that's what led to me posting this chapter at 10 pm on a Saturday. Because I couldn't wait like...12 hours. Yay for that, I guess. ANYWAY YEAH, LEAVE A COMMENT PALS, TELL ME HOW UR FEELING. I SCREENSHOT THEM ALL AND SPOTLIGHT MY FAV ONES ON TWITTER.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sleep turns to panic which turns to laughter which turns to panic again.

_ Connor _

Connor didn’t sleep much that night.

Evan did, which left Connor alone to his thoughts in the dark bedroom. He could feel Evan’s heavy breathing against his side, which left him buzzing. He didn’t really know what the future held for them. 

He was okay with that.   
***

Connor must have finally passed out around four in the morning, which in hindsight was probably not a good plan. That reason being that around 8 in the morning, Connor’s bedroom door swung open.

“Oh my god,” Zoe gasped before shutting the door again. Connor and Evan were both suddenly wide awake, Evan suddenly gasping for air and Connor turning paper white. Evan rolled off the bed, immediately groaning.

“Don’t panic,” Connor told Evan, which was highly hypocritical because Connor was definitely on the verge of a panic attack right now. He took a deep breath, crossing the room and sliding into the hallway, where Zoe still stood in her pajamas, tapping her foot. 

“Uh, hi,” Connor began lamely, not really knowing what else to say. Zoe didn’t look angry, she looked embarrassed. She was still in her pajamas, her hair uncombed. “It’s not--”

Zoe held her hand up to silence Connor. “Oh my god, please don’t. I just. You bring him home and you guys had--”

Connor turned bright red. “No, no, no. No. Not at all. Nope. Not like that.” Connor rushed to explain, fumbling for words before shamefully admitting, “Okay, it was kind of like that. But we didn’t have sex.”

Zoe stifled a laugh, and Connor wondered for brief moment why she didn’t seem the least bit surprised. 

Connor scratched the back of his neck. “He...he got locked out of his house last night so I told him he could stay here.” Zoe laughed out loud now, which caused Connor’s heart rate to increase. “What’s so funny?” Connor cried, slightly pissed off.

“This is going to look so bad!” Zoe jokingly punched Connor’s shoulder, which left Connor extremely confused. He had hardly looked Zoe in the eyes for three years, and here she was laughing and joking with him like they were best friends. Connor had to admit, he missed moments like this sometimes. 

“Well, I mean, it’s never going to look good when you have someone in your bedroom, but if I just explain then I think--” Connor was starting but Zoe was already shaking her head, covering her mouth. Connor raised an eyebrow.

“So, I don’t think you’ve noticed...but in addition to Evan wearing your clothes...he has a hickey.” Zoe whispered, and Connor turned bright red. There was no hiding that.

Connor let out a shaky breath. “What do I do?” It came out just under his breath. His parents were both downstairs, quietly discussing the news while Cynthia made coffee. Connor looked at Zoe pleadingly. She sighed.

“Move,” She told Connor, cracking open his bedroom door to find Evan in the same position he had been in when she had left. Evan looked at her, still red and hyperventilating.

“Hi, Zoe,” He tried, but it came out rushed and unnecessarily loud. Zoe walked across the room and planted herself in front of Evan, her legs crossed like a pretzel. Connor stayed by the bedroom door, in case his parents came upstairs. 

“So, Evan, I’m going to tell you something, and you’re going to need to stay calm and then we will figure out what we’re gonna do, okay?” Zoe started. Evan nodded. “We need to sneak you out. Also, you have a hickey.”

Evan made a strangled noise, immediately standing up and looking in a mirror. If Evan had been red before, he was scarlet now. He ran his hands through his hair, and looked at Connor for a split second. The anxiety faded for one quick moment, because Evan smiled at Connor. Which of course, sent butterflies all through him.

“Okay, here’s what we’ll do,” Connor began. “I’ll go downstairs and distract mom and dad, and Zoe can drive Evan home.”

Zoe sighed. “You know, I could distract them.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but I never talk to them, so I can buy more time.” As soon as he said it, Zoe nodded because she knew he was right. Evan waved his hands to interrupt.

“One small problem, um, I’m going home to my mom who is probably freaking out wondering where I am. I am not going home with this...um. Mark. On my neck.” Evan explained, fidgeting with his hands the entire time he spoke. Zoe jumped up, walking toward the door. 

“So we’ll use concealer,” She offered, walking to the bathroom and coming back with a small tube of makeup and a tiny paintbrush. Connor and Zoe sat Evan down on the bed, and Zoe started getting to work covering the hickey with her makeup. It was lucky the shade matched Evan, because the hickey was hard to cover. Once Zoe was finished, she stood back and admired her hard work.

“This is a good temporary fix,” Zoe told Evan. “Hope you own some turtlenecks.”

Evan nodded. “Of course I do, have you seen my wardrobe?”

Zoe laughed. “Good. Now, let’s get you out of here.”

The three entered the hallway, Evan dashing back in the room because he had forgotten something. When he returned, Connor realized he had Connor’s jacket in his arms. Connor wished he hadn’t blushed so much, but it was too late for that. Zoe looked at Connor inquisitively, but didn’t say a word.

Thank God.

Zoe nodded her head downstairs, and Connor nodded back in understanding. He bounded downstairs, immediately turning the corner into the kitchen. He just started talking to his parents about a new movie that was coming out, which seemed to excite his mother. He could hear the stairs creaking, but he didn’t think his parents noticed. He wondered how Zoe would open the front door without making noise, but she was able to do it. She must have practice.

Connor looked back to his mother. She smiled tenderly. “Maybe we should go see that movie today, sweetheart.”

***

Zoe was back home about twenty minutes later. She strolled into the kitchen, acting as if she’d just woken up. She ate breakfast with the family, covering her tracks perfectly. Connor ate his cereal, impressed. As soon as breakfast finished, Zoe looked at Connor curiously.

“Connor, do you mind coming to my room for a minute? I need your help on some homework.” She sang, and Connor’s dad couldn’t hide the fact he was shocked. He looked to Zoe suspiciously.

“You’re asking  _ Connor  _ for help on homework?” He pressed, and Connor thought she was nervous. Instead though, she shrugged and took a final sip from her milk.

“He’s better at English than I am,” Zoe informed him, before standing from the kitchen table. She started to go upstairs, and Connor followed. As soon as they were alone in Zoe’s room, Connor felt immediately uncomfortable. The room was painted blue, Zoe’s bed covered in a million pillows. Her walls were covered in pictures of friends and band posters. It was also freakishly clean, which Connor was sort of impressed by.

“Okay, we’re talking about what happened, because you owe me for sneaking your boyfriend out of the house.” Zoe said sternly, as if she was his mother. Connor groaned, falling into the desk chair in surrender. 

“What do you want to know?” Connor replied, pulling his hair back into a knot. Zoe sat on her bed, fingering the embroidery on her bedspread. 

“Um, well. Are you gay?” She asked, and must have noticed Connor’s reaction before adding, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Connor cleared his throat. “No, it’s. It’s fine. Um, yeah. I think so. I mean, I kissed a boy, so…” He chuckled. 

Zoe nodded. “Okay. That’s okay. I just wanted to know.”

They sat in silence.

“Is Evan?” Zoe said suddenly.

Connor raised an eyebrow. “Is Evan what?”

“Gay.”

Connor shook his head. “Not my place to come out for him.”

Zoe nodded a little. “Oh, right, sorry.”

They sat in silence again, this time comfortably. Connor wondered how so much had changed so quickly. He wondered how he was possibly sitting in Zoe’s room right now, having revealed his biggest secret to her  _ willingly  _ and feeling good about it. 

“Hey, Zo?” 

“Yeah?”

“Um. Thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Murphy sibling bonding, yeah bih.  
> I'm out of pre-written chapters. AHH. So hopefully I can stay on an updating schedule (don't count on that)!  
> ALSO OH MY GOD! Thank you for all the sweet comments. Especially the ones on my writing. Y'all make me emo because this writing (believe it or not) comes from a very personal and vulnerable place. Also someone bookmarked this story and left the FUNNIEST tags ever and to respond:  
> 1\. I cant believe ur sister recommended this fic to u, oh HECK! i cant believe people TALK ABOUT THIS. IN REAL LIFE. OUT LOUD. WILD  
> 2\. i also want to fight alex but also protect him. kimber can go fuck herself tho
> 
> FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER BYE


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Zoe drive home.  
> Zoe is grateful.  
> So is Connor.  
> Evan remembers.

_ Evan _

Evan followed Zoe swiftly out the front door and toward Connor’s car. She swung the key ring on her index finger, unlocking the driver’s side and sliding into the seat. Evan followed hesitantly, still mortified about what had happened inside. He sat uncomfortably in the passenger seat. He couldn’t help but notice how awkward sitting in Connor’s car became when Zoe was the one driving. 

They drove in silence for a few minutes, save for the few directions Evan gave Zoe on the ride home. After deliberating whether he should say something, Evan took a deep breath.

“Hey,” Evan began softly, his voice threatening to crack. “Um, thank you. For this. Going out of your way.”

Zoe nodded, though her expression didn’t change. Keeping her eyes on the road, she responded, “It’s not a problem, Evan.”

Evan didn’t feel like that invited much conversation, so he didn’t reply.

Zoe bit her lip. “Is Connor nice to you?”  
Evan stared at her, a little confused. “I mean...yeah?”

“Oh.” Zoe sounded weirdly confused.

“Why do you ask?”

“He isn’t nice to anyone.”

Evan wanted to laugh out loud, because of course that was  _ true _ , but he sort of thought that Connor making out with him might have something to do with it. 

“That’s not what I mean,” Zoe suddenly said, as if she had just read Evan’s mind. Evan looked over at her, equally curious and confused. Zoe sighed. “I just mean. He’s changing.”

Evan nodded. “I think so, at least with me. He’s less...on edge.”

Zoe smiled slightly. “Yeah. He is--with me, too. We...we hung out for the first time in years the other day.”  
Evan smiled brightly. “That’s...that’s so great! That makes me happy to hear.” He means it, too. The glazed over look in Connor’s eyes when he would speak of Zoe sometimes made every part of Evan’s heart ache. 

And Connor was changing. He was reaching out to his sister. He was caring more about school. He was someone new, someone Evan hadn’t ever considered when he had first started messaging him. Which made Evan wonder if he had somehow changed, too. Was he any different than he was at the beginning of senior year?

“You know,” Evan said suddenly. “A few months ago...I never would have expected to be sitting in the passenger seat while you drove.”

Zoe raised an eyebrow. “Like this?”

Evan shook his head. “Like anything. Although...um. Like this is definitely...not what I expected. At all.” He laughed nervously after he said it, because he remembered kissing Connor again. 

Evan sort of felt weird thinking about this in front of Zoe, but he couldn’t help it. Before now, he hadn’t had much time to think about it. Now, he was remembering the night before. He could feel himself turning red in response. Connor’s hands on Evan’s face. Evan didn’t know a lot about kissing, but he felt bolder with every new kiss they shared together.

Zoe pulled into Evan’s driveway, pulling him back down to reality. Evan smiled shyly at Zoe, reaching toward the car door. 

“Thanks, Zoe,” Evan thanked her. “I mean it.”

Zoe nodded, not saying anything. Evan had one foot out the door before Zoe added, “Hey, Evan?”  
“Yeah?”

“Thank you, too.”

Evan just smiled in response, waving back to Zoe before turning toward the front door of his house. Zoe reversed the car, and Evan made sure to wait for her to be out of sight before knocking on his front door. 

The door swung open so swiftly Evan wondering if his mom had been waiting there all night. She looked exhausted, and Evan suddenly realized she probably hadn’t slept for at least 24 hours. When she saw him, she immediately gasped. 

“Oh my god, Evan! Where on earth have you been? I’ve been worried sick. I called and called! I even called Jared, who said he thought you had been at a concert. I was absolutely sure you had been kidnapped.”

Evan mentally thanked God she hadn’t tried calling Connor’s parents. “I’m sorry. I lost my house key at the concert so I slept at Connor’s. My phone died.”

Heidi didn’t seem to have the energy to ask Evan any more details, something he was thankful for. She just eyed his outfit and messy hair before sighing, sounding annoyed. “You should have texted me from Connor’s phone.”

Evan didn’t want to admit he hadn’t thought about anything but kissing Connor since the concert last night. “I know, I know. I’m sorry.”

Heidi looked toward the stairwell, probably wishing she was already asleep. Looking back at Evan, she pressed her lips together. “It’s alright. I forgive you,” She started up the steps, and Evan felt lucky he’d gotten away with little punishment. Of course, Heidi added, “You’re still grounded, though.”

Evan nodded regretfully. Alright. He deserved that.

Once he was alone in the entryway, he shifted his weight from one foot to another. Then, realizing he was starving, he went into the kitchen and made himself some cereal. He pulled out his phone, realizing it was still dead. He stood and crossed the kitchen, plugging his phone into the power cord that was kept in the kitchen. Returning to his bowl of lucky charms, Evan flipped through his copy of  _ Othello  _ for his AP English Class. Once he’d finished eating, he moved to the couch and read a scene before being too bored to read any further. 

He knew Connor was in AP Literature, as well. Maybe Evan would ask for help. Sticking a bookmark into the pages, Evan turned on the tv and absentmindedly watched a daytime soap that was on. He could hear his phone buzzing in the other room, probably receiving all the messages from the night before at once. 

Evan stood from the couch, picking up his phone and unlocking it. He had 20 messages, 6 missed calls. Every call was from his mom. Twelve of the messages were from her as well, worried and filled with excessive ‘????’s and ‘!!!!!’s. Six of the text messages were from Jared.

 

**_Jared:_ **

_ dude ur mom is freaking out where are u _

**_Jared:_ **

_ pls tell me connor didn’t kill u _

**_Jared:_ **

_ jk i know u hate those jokes _

**_Jared:_ **

_ ok but now i am worried are u sure someone ELSE didn’t kill u _

**_Jared:_ **

_ I got connor’s # from alana and he wont reply either _

**_Jared:_ **

_ oh wait he just replied but it’s 3 am CALL UR MOM MOTHERFUCKER _

 

Evan laughed a little and texted Jared back.

 

**_Evan:_ **

_ Just got home and she was nearly dead. _

_ Also I got grounded. _

 

Jared shot back a text telling Evan he deserved it, and Evan chuckled under his breath. Then, he looked at the other two messages, this time from Connor. One was a picture of Evan’s house key.

It must have fallen out in Connor’s car.

Evan was so fucking glad they hadn’t seen that the night before.

The second text just said, “cya at school monday!”

Evan smiled a little, before replying “Yep! See you then.”

It occurred to Evan in that moment he had no idea what he was to Connor. More than friends? Right? So, what was the next step? Evan felt his palms get sweaty at the thought of anyone at school seeing them hold hands, or kissing. Evan rationally knew Connor wouldn’t want to do those things, but it still terrified Evan. 

He should probably talk to Connor about everything, though. 

**_Evan:_ **

_ Thanks again! _

**_Connor:_ **

_ is there a way i can casually say thank u  _

_ u know _

_ ha _

 

Evan let out a gentle breath. The only thing that calmed him down was the thought of kissing Connor again. Monday was tomorrow, and yet it felt like a lifetime away. Evan caught a glance of himself in the mirror, realizing he probably needed to take a shower now. Which meant he needed to plan out some outfits that would hide the purple mark on his neck. 

Evan considered googling how long hickeys tended to last, but decided not to since that would make him look like a total nerd. Instead, he climbed the stairs and found some turtlenecks and sweatshirts with hoods that could cover his neck. He also decided he’d wear some scarves outside. It was cold enough, anyway.

Evan couldn’t control his heart rate when he saw the mark, uncovered, later when he stood in front of his mirror, still wet from the shower. He smiled like he was undercover. Then, sneaking to his bedroom, he crawled under the comforter. He wasn’t tired at all.

He just lay awake and remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrow things seem very happy now huh.  
> enjoy it while it lasts.  
> mwhahahahaahahah


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT THE HELL IS A DATE!

_ Connor _

Turns out, having no defined relationship stressed Connor out nearly as much as when he had a crush on Evan.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want something else, it was the stress of knowing how to act around one another. The thought of public PDA made Connor feel sick to his stomach, and although he knew that Evan wouldn’t want that either, the thought was daunting. 

Did one kiss even equal any other sort of status? What was Connor supposed to do now?

Monday, Connor got to school early. Zoe had some sort of test, and instead of asking their dad she had come to Connor to see if he’d be willing to go to school early as well. Even though he didn’t really want to go to school early, he thought he’d go just to help Zoe out.

Totally unlike him. Whatever.

Once Zoe split from Connor toward her classroom, Connor wasn’t sure where to go. Eventually, he decided he’d probably just sit in the library. He hauled himself down the nearly empty hallways, still tired from waking up so early.

It didn’t really help he’d been up until like one texting Evan, either. Or the fact he’d had to skip out on coffee.

Once he was in the library, he sat down at an empty table toward the back. The library itself was quieter than normal, the usual hum of whispers replaced with teachers making copies and an occasional beep from the librarian checking in returned books. Connor put his head down on the table, closing his eyes. He was tired, but not tired enough to actually fall asleep. Instead, he kept his head on the desk, resting his eyes.

About ten minutes in, Connor heard someone sit down across from him, their things shuffling on the desk. Connor whipped his head up, about to glare at whoever decided to bother him, but instead found Evan. Connor’s face softened, Evan’s expression mirroring him with a shy smile. 

“Hey,” Connor said, his senses buzzing. It was like his stomach was twisting all over the place. 

Evan was doing math homework, and he smiled a little in return. “Hey.”

They just sat there for most of the morning, Evan doing homework while Connor watched in silence. Connor felt weird, doing this. He was overthinking the hand holding thing again, wondering if Evan was only holding back on this because holding hands across a table was awkward. He worried that Evan would be disappointed that Connor didn’t want to.

A few minutes before the bell for classes was to ring, Evan closed his math book and looked up at Connor. “So,” He began. “My mom grounded me after this weekend.”

Connor nodded, because he already knew. Evan had mentioned it sometime on Sunday, having already accepted that he deserved it.

Now, Evan seemed to be waiting for some sort of reply from Connor. Which was...what? Connor just sat quietly, waiting for Evan to speak. 

Evan’s countenance changed, suddenly looking nervous and red. “Um. So...it’s just….for this week. And stuff. So, maybe after I’m allowed out again, maybe we could...um, hang out?”

“We already hang out.” Connor knew where Evan was going with this, but he liked to have some fun with it.

“I know!” Evan exclaimed. “I mean...like. As more than pals. I guess.” Evan was bright red, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

Connor laughed. “It depends on if it’s a date or not.”

Evan’s eyes widened. “It doesn’t have to be!”

“No,” Connor shook his head. “I  _ want  _ that.”

Evan let out a little sigh of relief. “Damn it, don’t scare me like that.”

Connor chuckled, hiding the buzzing in his stomach again. “I know, I know. That was mean.”

***

Evan officially got ungrounded on Saturday, but Connor got dragged to a company dinner with his dad that night so they planned their date for Sunday. Connor asked his parents about it on the drive home on Saturday night.

“Do you guys care if I go somewhere tomorrow night?” Connor asked when there was a lull in conversation.

“Where?” His mom asked, turning around in her seat. Connor normally wouldn’t ask for permission in this situation, but on Sundays Cynthia always put on a big family dinner and pretended things were perfect. 

“With Evan,” Connor began, then finished quickly with, “He needs help for his science fair project. I promised I’d help.”

In the corner of his peripheral, he could see Zoe fiddling with a loose string on her sweater, smirking. Connor tried to ignore her as his mother looked to Larry expectantly, as if Connor was twelve years old and needed permission to hang out with friends.

“That’s when we have family dinners,” Larry said sternly. “So I just don’t think--”

“Actually,” Zoe interrupted. “I have a band rehearsal tomorrow. Last minute practice before the regional competition. Sorry, I forgot to tell you.”

“Oh.” Larry seemed to suddenly have changed his mind. Probably because the other option was dinner with Connor alone, who would already be annoyed he couldn’t go to Evan’s. “Well, then I guess Connor can go.”

The car was silent after that, though Zoe smiled at Connor through the curtain of her hair shielding her face. 

She didn’t have band practice.

***

Connor had to drive on Sunday, which he didn’t really mind. Even if Evan  _ did  _ have his driver’s license, Connor wouldn’t have wanted him to stress any more than he already was. So Connor just texted Evan Sunday morning that he was driving.

When Evan got in the car, Connor couldn’t help but grin a little.

“Where we headed?” Connor asked. 

Evan shook his head like he was just focusing in on the conversation. “Um. I was thinking we could...see a movie? That’s what people do on dates, right?”

Connor shrugged. “Beats me. But I  _ do  _ really want to see a movie right now, so.”

Evan smiled, which was great. Connor liked that.

Once they arrived at the movie theater, Evan seemed to be surprised at how crowded it was.

“Wow,” Evan commented. “There’s a huge line to buy tickets.”

“Yeah,” Connor replied. “It’s a Sunday night, so you know. Crowds.”

Evan nodded absentmindedly, but he still seemed nervous. Connor doubted that it had much to do with the number of people in the theater. Once they reached the front of the line, Connor took over. He knew Evan wouldn’t really want to talk to the cashier, so he chose their seats. The cashier read them their total for how much the tickets would cost, and Connor reached for his wallet. Evan stopped him.

“No, um. No. I’m buying them.” He handed the cashier some cash, and Connor tried not to look surprised. Once they had their tickets, Connor pushed Evan lightly with his shoulder.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “It’s fine.”

Connor shook his head, but didn’t say what he wanted to. Evan didn’t  _ have  _ a lot of money to blow on Connor.  _ Connor _ was always the one blowing money on  _ Evan.  _

Evan must have known what Connor was thinking, because he said, “I’m getting a job.”

Connor raised his eyebrows in surprise as they handed their tickets to an usher. “Really? Why?”

Evan groaned. “College. It’s expensive. I’m trying to my best to earn as much as I can before next fall. Assuming I get some sort of scholarship to pay for the bulk, though.”

Connor felt his chest tighten uncomfortably. That’s right. College. That was less than a year away.

“Where are you working?” Connor pressed.

“I don’t know. Retail? I applied to a couple places, but I haven’t heard anything yet.”

Connor nodded. “Someone’ll call back.”

Evan chuckled. “Hopefully. Honestly, I didn’t know how stressful job applications were.”

After a few minutes, the lights in the theater dimmed, so Evan and Connor stopped talking. Connor was sort of glad Evan had chosen a movie for a date, since it meant it was dark and neither of them had to worry about awkward conversation.

Connor even let Evan reach over and hold his hand. Since no one could see them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS MIGHT HAVE TYPOS IM SORRY!  
> ALSO THIS IS LATE IM ALSO SORRY!  
> ALSO ITS STILL HAPPY YOU'RE WELCOME!  
> ps- (but not too welcome cause expect some dysfunctional "i dont know how to be in a fucking relationship" stuff)  
> pps- (DID I GIVE TOO MUCH AWAY)


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snow day and training.

_ Evan _

It took about three weeks for Evan to hear back from any of the places he’d applied at for a job. Which was sort of nice, because he could just forget he had ever applied in the first place. So, for the next few weeks, Evan just spent most of his time preparing for the end of the semester, and working towards acing his finals.

He spent a lot of time with Connor, too. Lately, they’d been over at Connor’s a lot. Which meant Evan got to hang out with Zoe sometimes. It was weird that this was his life now. Jared had been pestering Evan to get the entire group together, but Evan hadn’t told Jared about Connor.

He had wanted to. But Connor wasn’t super sold on the idea of telling people quite yet. Which meant Evan hadn’t told his mom. 

He wasn’t sure he even would do it, anyway. But he still wished he  _ could. _

Connor didn’t want Larry to know, though. Apparently, in Larry’s fits of obliviousness, he hadn’t picked up on Connor enough to notice he was gay. Connor said he was sure that Cynthia had probably assumed, and Zoe agreed, but he still hadn’t spoken to her about it. 

Evan didn’t want to admit he was frustrated, but he was. A lot, actually. Not really at Connor. Maybe at Larry. He didn’t know.

In late November, Evan finally heard back from a few of the stores he’d applied at. After a few sweaty interviews, he officially got hired on as a part of the sales team at a thrift store near his house. It was a good fit because Evan could walk there, so he didn’t have to rely on anyone to give him a ride. It was also a pretty quiet shop, so Evan could avoid stressful crowd situations. 

Evan was getting trained there on Wednesday, and he was slightly nervous. Luckily, he had distractions. On Saturday, it snowed for the first time in the season. Evan was bursting with excitement when he woke up. Immediately, he texted Connor.

 

**_Evan:_ **

**_IT SNOWED CAN WE GO SLEDDING OR SOMETHING_ **

**_Connor:_ **

**_are we 12_ **

**_Evan:_ **

**_CONNOR_ **

**_I AM SERIOUS_ **

**_Connor:_ **

**_no yea im just kidding let’s hangout_ **

 

Connor was at Evan’s soon after that, dressed in a heavy black jacket and hat. Evan almost died on the spot because he looked so cute.

“Sorry,” Evan apologized when Connor stepped inside the entryway. “I need to get my coat, still.”

Connor shook his head. “What if we just stayed here?”

Evan raised an eyebrow. “To do what?”

Connor shrugged. “Zoe and I used to always watch a Christmas movie after the first snow. But she’s on an overnight band trip, so.”

Evan smiled. “Okay.”

Connor tugged his mouth up into a small smile. “We can go sledding another day.”

They ended up watching  _ A Christmas Story,  _ which Evan had never seen. Connor assured Evan that it was “fucking hilarious”, and Evan liked it when Connor laughed so he let him pick the movie. 

Evan didn’t really pay much attention to the movie, though. Connor and Evan curled together on the couch, Evan’s head resting delicately on Connor’s chest. He was too caught up in this contact to pay attention to the storyline, but Connor did laugh all the way through the movie. At some point, they intertwined their fingers, something that had become commonplace when they were alone.

In the middle of the movie, Evan sat up. “I forgot to tell you,” He started. “I got that job!”

Connor raised his eyebrows. “Hey, congrats.”

Evan nodded. “I start training on Wednesday.” 

“I guess I’ll actually have to start shopping there,” Connor remarked. Connor didn’t thrift often since his entire wardrobe just consisted of black jeans and band shirts. There wasn’t a need. “How many days did you put for your availability, anyway?”

Evan shrugged. “I just told them I could work anytime I wasn’t at school. I need the hours, anyway.”

Connor leaned back into the couch. “Damn. I’ll never see you.”

Evan shook his head. “I’ll have days off. We can hang out then!”

Connor nodded halfheartedly. Evan tried not to let that bother him.

***

On Wednesday, Evan walked into the thrift store nervously. The bell on the door rang above him, leaving Evan feeling awkwardly present. 

A girl emerged from behind a clothing rack, where she was hanging new donations up to be sold. She was tall and willowy, even taller than Evan. Her honey blonde hair was cut just above her shoulders, and her wide green eyes were accented by a large set of circular glasses she wore.

“You’re Evan, right?” She asked once she set down the clothes. She wasn’t the same person who had interviewed him, and he’d never seen her before. Evan nodded absent-mindedly. The girl smiled. “I’m Margot.”

Evan smiled at her. “Um...I’m supposed to train today?”

Margot looked as if she had just remembered. “That’s right. Let me get the supervisor. He’s the one that’s supposed to be training you.”

Margot disappeared behind a door that led to the back of the store, probably where donations were priced and tagged. In a moment, she came back out.

“He’ll be out in a second. In the meantime, mind helping me hang these clothes?”

Evan nodded, carefully assisting Margot. She was talkative, going on about her plans for Christmas vacation. She was a junior at the local university, one that Evan had actually applied to. He didn’t mention that to her, though. 

Evan heard the backroom door swing open and he turned. The guy standing there didn’t look much older than he did. He was tall and well built, his hair dyed a cherry red. His lip was pierced, along with multiple spots on his ears. He smiled over to Evan.

“Hey, you’re Evan?”

Evan nodded quickly. “Uh, yep. That’s me.”

The guy walked across the store, shaking Evan’s hand. “Nice to meet you, man. I’m Alex. I’m training you.”

Evan smiled. “Cool. Uh, so what are we starting with?”

Alex motioned for Evan to follow him, so he did. In the backroom, Alex got Evan started on basic register training. While Evan filled out the online training info, Alex talked to him and got to know him. Evan was glad Alex was his supervisor since he was easy to talk to and kept cracking jokes that made Evan much less nervous. 

“Are you still in high school?” Alex asked Evan as he finished up. 

“Yep,” Evan replied. “I’m a senior.”

"Nice,” Alex commented. “What high school?”

Evan told him, and Alex nodded, because that’s where he’d graduated from. 

Evan chuckled. “Everyone says senior year is the best, but it’s turning out to just be really stressful.”

Alex laughed a little and nodded in understanding. “Yeah man, I get it. Senior year was honestly pretty shitty for me. I was happy to graduate. And I didn’t even have to deal with college applications.”

Evan raised one eyebrow. “Really? Was it just the graduation standards, then?”

Alex shook his head as he put away the training binder. “For some reason, there was a lot of...teenage drama. It was stupid.”   


Evan nodded. He felt like he’d already (hopefully) had his dose of drama for the year. Alex put the binder back on the shelf, and then turned to face Evan, clapping his hands together.

“Alrighty. You ready to get some floor training now?” 

Evan stood up. “Yeah.”

By the time the night was over, Evan had learned how to price items, add tags, and how to organize them on each rack. He also learned what to do in emergency situations (that he hoped he’d never encounter), so he also helped Alex and Margot close up shop. Alex told Evan he’d get his schedule upon arrival of his first shift next week, and that he didn’t need to worry about coming in until Monday. 

Once they were closed, Evan, Alex, and Margot all walked outside into the parking lot. Evan waved goodbye to them both, starting the walk home. He hadn’t even walked ten steps when Alex honked to get Evan’s attention. 

“Hey,” Alex called. “Are you walking home?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah. I don’t live far, it’s no big deal.”

“Let me give you a ride.”

Evan didn’t really want to, but he also didn’t want to walk alone in the dark tonight. So he agreed, climbing into Alex’s car. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u rlly thought he was gone huh


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and college are two words no one would have thought they'd see together. Unless the words in between said, "isn't going to".

_ Connor _

The first two weeks after Evan started work at the thrift store, Connor barely saw him outside of school. Nearly every day he was training or working late, since they seemed to need to train him for almost everything. Connor had been meaning to go in and see him while he was working, but decided to wait on it as he knew Evan was still getting a hang of things. 

For a brief while, Connor considered getting a job himself. He spent one weekend looking around online, seeing jobs available anywhere between libraries to smoothie shops. He nearly applied at a record store in town, considering he’d probably fit in, but chose not to apply anywhere after considering how he’d have  _ any  _ time to see Evan if their schedules didn’t coincide. 

So, they saw each other every day at school. Plus, Connor always drove Evan home afterward. Evan always insisted on walking to work, since he wanted at least some independance. Connor just shrugged and moved on with it. 

Maybe it was, in a way, good that Evan was working. It meant that he was getting out of his comfort zone. Befriending co-workers. Connor was happy about that. Even if it meant less time together, Connor didn’t want to become fucking dependant on Evan, anyway. Or vice versa. 

Instead of getting a job, Connor decided maybe he’d work a little harder in school. All of high school he’d gotten shitty grades, squeaking by in most of his subjects, just enough to pass. He’d only ever gotten decent grades in his English classes. All of his time in school, for Connor, seemed to have been busy work. He had never expected to make it to senior year, let alone to college. 

Now, it seemed somewhat possible. Connor didn’t know what Evan’s plans were, besides that college was super expensive and part of the reason he’d gotten this job in the first place was to pay for it. Not that it mattered. He wasn’t applying to college for Evan. Then again, it wasn’t necessarily like he wanted to go to college.

It was more like. 

For the first time, he was doing something to put insurance in his future. Which was weird. 

Before he got ahead of himself though, he wasn’t going anywhere if he didn’t improve his grades. So he decided he’d work harder. Might be easier said than done, but it was something. School was winding down for winter break, and college applications were in full swing. Alana Beck, the student body president, had already been accepted early into a bunch of different schools. Connor had overheard her talking to some kids in the lunch line about how she  _ could  _ graduate early if she wanted to, but she was staying for the last six months of senior year for the memories. 

As Connor pulled his laptop into his lap, he felt weirdly optimistic. He started pulling up the home pages for state schools near him, starting to google their acceptance rates. The first school he looked at was clearly out of his range. The SAT score needed in order to be accepted was a lot higher than the one Connor had gotten when he’d taken the one his high school had sponsored. 

Ruling that one out, he looked into another school. This one was farther away, nearly four hours. He didn’t know how he felt about being so far away, especially if Evan didn’t leave right away. When he looked though, same thing. Desired SAT score was too high. Connor felt his insides tighten in response. Suddenly, he felt slightly hopeless. Every school he looked at seemed the same. Out of reach. The one that was closest was far away and at best, Connor would have to retake the SAT, which sounded hellish. 

Connor considered community college for a moment. He’d be able to go there, as long as he graduated. Which would be fine. He just found himself feeling regretful. Connor knew he might not have even enjoyed living on campus, but the lack of options felt constricting. 

Feeling mopey, Connor set his laptop aside and unlocked his phone to see if he had any notifications. There were a few texts from Evan, probably while he was on his fifteen-minute break.

 

**Evan:**

**I’m on my fifteen and I feel blessed :)**

**Evan:**

**Wait my other coworker is taking her fifteen at the same time :(**

**Evan:**

**I don’t think that’s allowed**

**Evan:**

**Oh god, she’s eating veggie straws. What kind of disrespect is this?**

 

Connor laughed a little, typing out a response.

**Connor:**

**some of us like veggie straws,**

**Evan:**

**I should have guessed you’d like veggie straws.**

**Connor:**

**whats that supposed to mean**

**Evan:**

**I’m sorry, but I can’t like someone who ALSO likes veggie straws.**

**Connor:**

**i guess this means goodbye :(**

**Evan:**

**I’m sorry it had to end this way. I’ll always remember you.**

**Wait BYE my break is over!!!**

 

Connor let himself grin a little bit, locking his phone and laying back on his bed.

So, college. That wasn’t the most hopeful thing in the world. Connor found himself wishing he hadn’t spent all of high school dicking around. Maybe he  _ should  _ get a job. Just to make himself somewhat useful. If he wasn’t able to get into college, he needed to work. He wasn’t going to live in his parent’s house after he graduated. No way.

Hopeless. That’s what this felt like.

***

Evan was working over the weekend. Connor didn’t know what he was going to do, since he’d actually finished his schoolwork. He considered going out on his own, maybe getting dinner or something. It’s what he’d been doing for a long time before he’d made any friends. 

Tonight, nothing felt right.

All he wanted to was lay in bed. 

It was stupid, he thought. There wasn’t anything  _ more  _ wrong than usual. He was probably happier, overall, than he’d been in a while. It was weird how easily his mood could change, how easily he could feel so exhausted he couldn’t even leave the house. After he’d looked at college applications, he’d been feeling particularly mopey. It all felt far away, but simultaneously too close. Both options were stressing Connor out.

As Connor lay on his bed, blasting music through his speaker, he could hear a faint knock on the door. He didn’t reply. The knock got louder, and this time Connor turned off the music. 

“Fuck off,” He called. 

“Come on, Connor,” Zoe’s voice said through the door. “Let me in.”

Connor rolled his eyes, not willing to leave his bed. “Fine.”

Zoe shuffled inside, closing the door tightly behind her. “Mom and dad aren’t home.”

“So?”  
“ _So_ you don’t have to lock yourself away in here.” She huffed, irritated that Connor hadn’t gotten the point the first time. 

“I’m not locking myself in here because of Mom and Dad, Zoe.” Connor tried.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Connor rolled onto his side, looking at the wall. “Not particularly.”

Zoe stood in the same spot as before, waiting. Connor sighed.

“I’m not going to get into college,” Connor said finally. “Also: I feel like shit.”

Zoe raised an eyebrow. “Have you talked to your counselor about school?”

“Shit, no,” Connor scoffed. “I’d rather kill myself than talk to her.”

Zoe blanched. Connor sighed. 

“Sorry. Bad joke.”

She nodded. “Have you talked to Evan?”

Connor pretended it was the first time he’d considered this. “I don’t want to worry him.”

“Why would that worry him?”

“It just...would.”

Zoe didn’t seem to know what else to say to Connor, so she reached for the doorknob and let herself out before he could say anything else to her. Connor retreated back to where he was, closing his eyes. He wondered how work was going for Evan. 

Maybe this was a good time to get high, or something. He hadn’t in a few weeks. He just hadn’t had time to even think about it. He decided it wouldn’t hurt. Crossing his room, he pulled the little bit of weed he had left from its spot. Even then, he knew it wouldn’t make him feel better. It was just something to do. 


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan stays out late, so Connor offers him a place. As thanks, Evan does the same.

_ Evan _

Work took up a lot more of Evan’s time than expected. Before long, he was working five days a week, usually every night on the weekends. Which made him feel bad. He had told Connor they would find time to hang out, and Evan just hadn’t been able to. He had thought about adjusting his schedule in order to work fewer hours, but he needed the money. Plus, he knew how understaffed they were. Evan would feel terrible leaving them in need like that.

It was good he really liked his co-workers. Margot was super bubbly and easy to talk to. Usually, Evan would be paired with Margot on the sales floor, and every night seemed to end with both Evan and Margot laughing until their sides hurt.

Then there was Alex. Who Evan didn’t know a lot about. He tended to keep personal details to himself, but he never minded if Margot and Evan were having more fun than working. Sometimes he’d make random jokes that would send all three of them into fits of laughter. He was pretty good friends with Margot, so Evan would hear stories about when they would go out after work and just have fun. Alex had also started driving Evan home every time they worked together, just so Evan wouldn’t have to walk. 

Evan was glad he’d gotten so lucky with them. 

He had others that he worked with too, an older woman named Emily, a sixteen-year-old girl named Mary-Ann, and another quiet guy named Caleb. Still, Evan almost always ended up on shifts with Margot and Alex. Evan knew that Alex was the one who put together schedules, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Alex did it on purpose. 

One night, after work, Alex walked over while Evan was folding clothes.

“Hey,” He greeted him. “What are you doing after work?”

It was a Wednesday, so Evan was honestly just planning on going home after he got off. When he told Alex this, Alex smiled a little.

“You wanna come with Margot and me? After work?”  
Evan shifted from one foot to another. He _did,_ but he just wasn’t sure if he _should_ , with school tomorrow and all. “I want to...but it’s a school night, and I just…” His voice trailed off.

Alex shrugged. “You’re almost eighteen. Live a little! Drink some coffee in the morning, get through the day, take a power nap after school.”

Evan didn’t mention how jittery caffeine made him. Instead, he smiled. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll come with you.”

***

Evan didn’t end up getting home until past three in the morning, and he already had plans to hang out with Alex and Margot on Saturday after work. He knew when he woke up he would be cursing himself, and he wasn’t wrong. When his alarm clock went off that morning, it seemed to be the worst sound he’d ever heard. Turning off the alarm, he sat up in bed, his head hurting. He stood up, walking to the bathroom and turning on the water. He made sure the water was as cold as he could stand it. 

Turns out, his mom didn’t have work that morning. She’d switched shifts with someone who had a funeral on Sunday, which meant Evan would be alone part of the weekend. It was slightly disappointing, but Evan pushed it away for a little bit when he sat down at the kitchen table. Normally, he’d eat a quick piece of toast before school, but this morning Heidi had actually made Evan breakfast. Back when she worked part-time, Evan vaguely remembered her cooking a lot more. She was good at it. 

Evan didn’t have much to say as he ate, instead, he scarfed down his pancakes hoping it would wake him up. 

Heidi must have noticed Evan was exhausted because she spoke up after a few minutes in silence. “You came home late last night.”

Evan raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, um. Sorry. I went out with some of my coworkers.”

Heidi seemed pleased by this, enough that she decided not to scold Evan for staying out late. Instead, she gently warned him. “Please tell me when you’re coming home next time, please.”

Evan yawned. “Okay.”

Heidi examined Evan for a little while longer, before sighing. “How are you planning on going to school, Evan?”

Evan put his head on the table top. It was cold against his forehead. He could fall asleep like this, and he was going to. His head felt heavy.

Heidi snapped her fingers. Evan’s head shot up. “Can I have some coffee?” He asked her. Her eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Doesn’t coffee make you jittery?” She asked him.

“So does the thought of falling asleep in class,” Evan grumbled. Heidi rolled her eyes.

“Alright, grouch. Get some coffee.”

Evan walked across the kitchen, pouring himself a cup of coffee and stirring some creamer into it. When he took a sip, he wished he’d put more creamer in it to cover the bitter taste completely. Instead, he just sat at the kitchen table and took a drink from his thermos.

Once it was time to leave, Evan zipped up his jacket and examined himself in the mirror. He was still feeling tired, but he was waking up more as he worked his way through the drink. Jared was in the driveway, waiting to leave. Once Evan was in the passenger seat, Jared laughed.

“Are you drinking coffee?” He teased. “Won’t that make you have an anxiety attack?”

Evan rolled his eyes. “I was up late.”

“Were you and your boyfriend up all night--”

“SHUT UP.”

“I just want details--”

“JARED.”

“Fine.”

***

Connor noticed how tired Evan was at lunch. Evan was crashing by then, his eyelids heavy with a strong desire to sleep. Connor snapped his fingers in front of Evan’s face.

“Hey!” Connor said. “You’re falling asleep again.”

Evan blinked rapidly. “Sorry. Sorry. You were saying?”

Connor shook his head. “ _ You  _ were telling  _ me  _ something, Evan. Did you stay up late last night or something?”

Evan nodded. “Yeah. I stayed out until three with coworkers.”

Connor smiled a little. “You stayed out  _ that  _ late after work? That doesn’t sound like you.”

Evan sighed. “I know, I know, I-”

Connor held his hand up, his keys on his index finger. “No. I’m proud of your rebellion, you doof. And now I’m giving you the keys to my car so that you can take a long nap before school ends and I drive you home.”

Evan started to argue. “I have pre-calc later. I can’t just skip.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Your undereye bags are so dark it looks like an eyeshadow mishap.”  
Evan let out a deep breath. “Okay. Fine.” He reached across the table, taking the keys from Connor. Their fingers brushed. Evan smiled at Connor. Once he had the keys, Connor reached across the table and patted Evan on his forearm. A rare show of physical affection. 

“I’m parked in my normal spot,” Connor told Evan after the brief moment ended. 

“Thanks.” Evan smiled. 

They both just grinned at each other. Evan wished he could stay like that. 

After a moment, though, Evan was off to sleep in Connor’s car. He slept like a baby until three, when school was out. He was jolted awake by Connor unlocking the trunk, throwing his backpack inside. Evan sat up, rubbing one of his eyes as Connor opened the driver’s door.

“Hey,” Connor greeted Evan. “You look like you’ve slept well.”

Evan nodded, still waking up. He crawled over the console to the front seat, trying his best not to knock all of Connor’s things everywhere. He buckled himself into his seat, leaning back with a sigh. 

“Thanks,” Evan breathed out through a yawn. “I needed that.”

Connor kept his eyes focused on the road, but let himself reach across the console to take Evan’s left hand. Evan’s skin tingled at the contact. He wished he had more free time to spend with Connor. The fact that nearly all of Evan’s favorite moments with Connor since they’d started dating were in Connor’s car was a problem for Evan. 

“I miss you,” Evan said suddenly, maybe because he was tired and bold, or because he was just being honest. 

“I see you every day,” Connor replied with a laugh.

“No, being around you.” Evan tried. “Like  _ this _ .”

Connor nodded. “Me too.”

By then they were in Evan’s driveway. Evan grabbed his backpack from the back of Connor’s car, smiling over at him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Connor nodded, waving to Evan as he walked inside. Once he was in, Evan looked at his phone. There were a few texts from Margot and Alex, starting with a retail meme Alex had sent to their group chat. 

Suddenly, Evan remembered their plans on Saturday after work. He wondered if they’d mind if Connor tagged along. Evan had always felt like Connor and Alex would probably get along. Margot could get along with anyone, too.

 

**Evan:**

**Hey guys. About Saturday, do you think it’d be a problem if my boyfriend tagged along?**

**Assuming he wants to.**

 

**Margot:**

**That’s cool with me as long as it’s cool with Alex! :)**

 

**Alex:**

**ya, i dont mind.**

**excited to see if he’s actually real ;)**

 

Evan immediately texted Connor, asking if he’d be up to go. He sort of expected him to say no, or at least be hesitant, but he agreed right away. Evan smiled, sending Connor the rest of the important info. He was happy Connor was coming because it meant he could merge his work life with his personal life. Then maybe he’d have more time with Connor. 


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor puts on a smile.

_ Connor _

Connor, admittedly, didn’t want to hang out with Evan’s coworkers. He wanted to hang out with Evan. He wasn’t trying to hold a grudge. He wasn’t  _ trying to. _ But he hadn’t seen Evan outside of school for almost two weeks. So, Connor didn’t feel  _ awesome  _ finding out that Evan was spending time after work with his co-workers when they could have been together.

Connor didn’t want to be clingy. He didn’t want to tell Evan where he could go or when they needed to be together. It was just.

So Connor felt unimportant. Sue him.

He wanted to talk to Evan about it, but they’d only been dating for less than a month. Plus, Evan was thriving. Doing well with people he’d never met, having a job,  _ making friends _ . He was improving. He didn’t want to tear that all down because he was needy and wanted attention. So he stayed quiet. Enjoyed his time at lunch and on the drives home with Evan. Connor did his best to be supportive.

Yet, winter break was rapidly approaching, and Connor knew Evan’s hours would be crazy during the holiday season. Connor’s schedule was already packed because of finals, since now he was  _ actually trying  _ in his classes which meant tutoring and after-school meetings with teachers and actually doing homework. 

He was exhausted. Also, incredibly depressed. He thought that putting some effort into his life would make him feel better, and often it did, but in the moment life seemed bleak. All his time was spent in his room doing homework. He didn’t leave the house unless he was going to school. It was piling up again. Things weren’t great. Wintertime was never a great time for Connor. It was darker earlier and he just got more depressed when he hadn’t gotten dressed or put in his contacts by the time the sun went down. 

No one seemed to notice. Zoe probably did, since she and Connor were fighting a bit more. Not anywhere near how much they used to fight, but enough that Zoe didn’t just come and ask Connor to hang out. Which meant that he was pretty much completely ignored at home. His dad was working a lot, but that didn’t change a lot from the previous situation except for the fact that he didn’t have as much time to yell at Connor.

Of course, when he did, it was intense. He was so stressed he would take it out in angry rants about messy rooms. It wasn’t just at Connor, but also at Zoe. Less at Zoe, of course, because she was harder to yell at. Connor’s mom was doing her best to be there for everyone, but she was stressed out about it too. Connor was supposed to start working on college applications, but his counselor agreed with Connor that he should wait past all the priority deadlines so he could submit his winter transcripts. He was hoping to show the schools he was applying to that he was working harder now, plus he had that five he had gotten on his AP Literature test under his belt. The school he was set on had an essay section with a prompt about a struggle you’ve faced, so he hoped his essay would help explain why his grades had been so bad in high school.

He considered taking the SAT again, but the thought of taking another one of those tests made him sick to his stomach. He felt trapped. 

_ Who knew that trying at life was just as depressing as not trying _ .

It was enough for Connor to wonder if it was him, not his situation. Maybe his depression was something that would never get better? He knew it wasn’t healthy to think like that. Still, it ticked in the back of his head.

***

By the time Saturday rolled around, Connor felt like he was at least (somewhat) prepared to meet Evan’s coworkers. They were meeting at a restaurant in town, and Evan had asked Connor to drive him. Connor was happy they were going together, though he wasn’t sure why that hadn’t occurred to him in the first place.

Connor and Evan were on their way on time. Connor couldn’t help but smile when Evan got into the car wearing his parka. 

“Hey,” Evan said once he’d buckled his seatbelt. “Thanks for doing this. Really. It means a lot to me.”

That made Connor feel better about the situation. If it made Evan happy, Connor figured he could find some enjoyment in the activity. Once they were in the parking lot, Connor realized Evan seemed nervous.

“You alright?” Connor asked. 

Evan nodded. “Can we...sit here for a second?”

Connor shrugged. “Sure.”

Evan smiled. “Thanks. It’s just...I don’t want to be the first people to arrive? I know it’s kind of stupid but I don’t want to have to wait around.”

“It’s fine,” Connor replied, staring at the doors to the restaurant. After a few minutes, Evan reached for the door handle.

“Okay,” Evan breathed. “Let’s go.”

Connor nodded and got out of the car. For some reason, it made Connor feel better that Evan seemed just as nervous as he was. Like they weren’t alone. As they walked, Evan reached over and took Connor’s gloved hand. Connor swore his heart nearly stopped. They never held hands in public. Connor knew Evan just wanted something to hold on to. Connor didn’t mind, for once. In fact, he liked it.

They walked inside, and Evan looked around. Connor stood with his hands in his pockets, waiting for Evan to lead him to whoever they were meeting. Evan’s eye finally caught on a tall girl with blonde hair sitting across the restaurant. She was wearing polka dotted tights and round glasses. She smiled when she saw Evan, waving frantically.

Connor followed Evan to the table. It was just her, but he knew there was supposed to be someone else. When Evan looked confused, the girl shrugged. 

“He’s not here yet.” 

“Have you texted him?” Evan asked worriedly. The girl nodded.

“Yup,” She rolled her eyes. “He’s been awol. Weirdly. I don’t know. I’m sure he got trapped doing something. He never bails. He’ll probably be here soon.”

Evan nodded, but Connor could still see the anxiety in his eyes. He squeezed Evan’s hand in response. 

“I’m Margot,” The girl finally introduced herself. She reached up from where she was sitting and shook Connor’s free hand. 

“Connor,” Connor replied. She smiled.

Both Evan and Connor slid into the booth across from Margot. Before long, they’d ordered their drinks. Evan was checking his phone repeatedly, probably waiting for their other co worker to reply. Evan seemed to retreat, hardly having anything to say. Luckily, Margot seemed to be able to talk forever. She was telling a story about her crazy aunt when she stopped after receiving a text.

“Damn it,” She groaned. “He just said he wasn’t coming.”

Evan sighed. “Did he say why?”

Margot rolled her eyes. “Said he was sick. Which is weird as fuck because he seemed fine last night at work.”

Evan ran his finger over the scars on the table. “I mean, illnesses can come out of nowhere…?”  
Margot nodded. “Yeah, I guess.”

Connor wished she hadn’t phrased it like that. He could feel Evan bobbing his knee beside him, and Connor was sure a million thoughts were running through his head. Connor didn’t say anything, just let his knee touch Evan’s. Evan stopped bouncing his leg. 

Once they’d eaten, Connor paid for himself and for Evan, just so Evan wouldn’t have to ask the server for change. Evan promised Connor he’d pay him back, but Connor knew he wasn’t going to let Evan do it. They stood to leave, and Margot hugged Evan goodbye. She was just as tall as Connor, so she had to bend the tiniest bit to hug him. Then she turned to Connor and hugged  _ him _ , as well. 

“It was so nice to meet you!” She was so nice. Connor still felt out of place, but it had nothing to do with Margot herself. But Evan was  _ off.  _

Once they were out of the restaurant, Connor looked over at Evan. “You good?”

Evan nodded. “Fine.”

Connor sighed, his breath visible in the winter air. “Hey. It wasn’t because of you.”

Evan shook his head. “I don’t know. Margot said so herself. He never bails.”

“He was sick,” Connor replied as they got into his car. Once he turned the key, he added, “You should stop worrying.”

Evan laughed a little. “Okay, sure! Yep! I will just stop worrying.” His tone was slightly aggressive, and it took Connor by surprise. 

“Hey,” Connor replied. “Don’t do that.”

Evan just ignored him. The rest of the drive was silent. At some point, Connor turned on the radio to fill the space the silence was carving out. Once he was in Evan’s driveway, Evan looked over at Connor.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

“I’m just disappointed.”

“I know.”

“He never bails.”

“I  _ know. _ ”

They sat in the car for a second. Evan looked at the front door. “Mom isn’t home tonight.”

Connor raised an eyebrow. Evan sighed.

“Will you stay?” He asked. 

“You want me to?” Connor asked. Evan nodded. 

“I’m just. My thoughts? They’re just...really loud? I guess?”

Connor turned the key. “Sure. 

They ended up falling asleep in Evan’s twin bed. Connor stayed awake until Evan fell asleep. Connor stroked Evan’s forearm as he snored. He wished it could be like this all the time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LMFAO U THINK IM GONNA END IT THAT QUICK BITCHES


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan is ready.  
> Connor?  
> He's well.  
> Not.

_ Evan _

Alex was at work the next day. Evan wanted to say something about bailing, but he didn’t want to cause a scene. Alex didn’t seem sick, but it might have just been a one day thing. Evan didn’t know. It was weird. He wondered if Alex didn’t  _ want  _ to come. 

Evan concluded that if he didn’t, it was because of Evan himself. He always hung out with Margot. It wasn’t like suddenly he’d decided she was lame. He’d only hung out with Evan once before. Maybe Evan annoyed Alex. For Evan, that seemed to be the only logical explanation. 

He said as much to Margot while they were doing returns at work. Margot looked at him like he was crazy.

“No.” She said shortly. 

Evan sighed. “He never bails, you said so.”

Margot rolled her eyes. “Evan, he was probably sick.”

Evan nodded like he understood, but all he could think about was how many times he’d faked illness to get out of things. Which made him feel worse.

***

Evan actually got to hang out with Connor right before Winter break started. School was finally winding down, and Evan had taken a few days off of work because he had family coming for the holidays. Normally he’d be afraid of taking time off, but Margot told him he needed to take some time for himself. Which was true.

Now, Connor and Evan were laying on Evan couch watching a Disney movie. Evan felt sort of silly watching a cartoon together, but Connor didn’t seem to mind. 

“Did you know I almost got banned from Disney World?” Connor said suddenly. Evan sat up and looked at him.

“How?”

Connor chuckled. “I smoked weed on the ferry to the Magic Kingdom and some lady tattled to one of the employees.”

Evan laughed. “Oh my god. Isn’t weed illegal in Florida?”

Connor nodded. “I don’t know how I got away with it. My dad was pissed.”

“I’d be pissed.”

Connor pulled Evan back to him, their fingers lacing together. Evan’s heart skipped a beat. Would it always do that?

“Speaking of your dad…” Evan began. Connor gave him a look.

“What about him?”  
“Does he...um.” Evan didn’t know how to phrase this. “Have you, like…?”

Connor got what Evan was trying to say. “Oh. No, I haven’t told him.”

Evan tried to ignore the hollow feeling when he said that. “Have you told your mom?”

Connor shrugged. “I mean. Here and there. I don’t think my mom is stupid. I probably don’t even  _ have  _ to tell her.”

Evan wanted to scream, a little. It didn’t matter to him if Connor thought she already knew. He just wanted Connor to feel comfortable enough in their relationship to tell people. Evan felt comfortable enough for that. 

Sitting up, Evan looked over to Connor. “I want to tell my mom,” Evan said softly, but steadily. He did. He was trying to get closer to her. They had been telling each other everything, and Evan wanted to be open with her about this. Plus, it was weighing on him.

Connor raised his eyebrows. “Uh. I mean. I can’t tell you what to do, I guess. I don’t know. It just freaks me out.”

“Why?”  
Connor opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he thought for another second. “Yeah, um. Go ahead and tell her, I guess.”

Evan could tell Connor was on edge. Connor wasn’t looking at him, his eyes trained on the television screen. Evan tried to think of something to say, but he felt blank. He could see one of Connor’s hands tapping against the seat of the couch anxiously. 

Evan reached over and gingerly touched Connor’s forearm. He wasn’t expecting the contact, tensing up for a moment before looking at Evan. 

“Hey,” Evan said, swallowing every instinct telling him to leave it be. “Come on.”

Connor sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Evan nodded. “It...it will be okay. It will.”

Connor didn’t reply. Just leaned back into Evan, which was enough for him. Evan took his hand again, letting himself fall back on the couch. He tried to relax, tried to feel okay about this. Something felt wrong, right now. Evan tried not to think about it. 

***

Once Evan’s mom got home, he woke Connor up, who’d fallen asleep toward the end of the movie. He saw Connor take a moment to recognize where he was, then relax. Heidi was still in the garage, which meant they had a second to recollect. Connor immediately broke his grasp on Evan’s hand, like they normally did when his mom came home. Evan looked at Connor.

“I think...it might help...if you were here? When I tell her, I mean.”

Connor blanched. “Are you sure you want me here?”

Evan nodded. “Uh, yeah. Why wouldn’t I?” He replied nervously.

Connor shrugged sheepishly. “I’m not really the model boyfriend for your son to have, I guess.”

Evan shook his head. “Don’t do that to yourself.”

The door to the garage swung open at that point. Evan could hear his mother in the mudroom, taking off her shoes. She called out, “I’m home!” Before making her way into the kitchen. Evan and Connor both sat awkwardly in the adjacent living room. Heidi smiled when she saw Connor.

“Oh, hello Connor,” She greeted him after hanging up her coat and putting the mail down on the countertop. “How are you?”

Connor nodded, and Evan could tell he was nervous. “I’m fine. School’s winding down, so. That’s good.”

Heidi and Connor had met a little while after Evan and Connor had started dating. Connor was always nice, and Heidi was always nice about him. Evan was grateful for that. He really had a great mom. Which was why he wanted to tell her this. 

“So what have you boys been doing? I actually rented a movie for Evan and I to watch--” She started, but Evan couldn’t hold it back any longer. 

“Mom.”

It was so quiet, she didn’t even hear him. Just continued. “--It’s got Amy Adams in it? And Jeremy Renner. I thought he’d like it since I’m a sucker for Jeremy and Evan has liked Amy since  _ Enchanted  _ came out--”

“Mom,” Evan tried again, louder this time. That got her attention. “I...need to tell you something?”

Her eyes darted to Connor. “Do we need to leave the room?”

Evan looked nervously at Connor, who looked like he might throw up, then back to his mom. He sucked in a breath. “No, he...I want him here.”

And so they talked. Right there in the living room. Connor didn’t say much, besides a few nods of agreement here and there. He mostly just picked at his nail polish the entire time, which Evan knew he did when he was in an uncomfortable situation. After Evan was done, his mom just hugged him and told him she loved him. Then she asked if he would still want to watch the movie, like her entire world wasn’t upside down. She just moved on, and Evan was so glad. Even though they’d just watched a movie, Evan said yes. When he looked to Connor, Connor just smiled nervously and apologized. 

“I should probably be heading home now, actually.” Connor stood up. Heidi nodded and stood too. 

“I can walk you out?” She offered, even though Connor knew where to go. He looked nervous but smiled and followed Heidi to the front door. Evan didn’t follow them at first, but he could hear his mom talking quietly under her breath. 

Once he heard the front door open and shut, he didn’t hear his mom. He walked to the entryway, seeing through the front window his mother and Connor talking on the porch. And Connor...Connor looked like he was crying. Heidi had her hand on his shoulder, and she was saying something that looked like reassurance. Connor was nodding. Evan felt his heart ache. Suddenly he wondered if this was his fault.

Was Connor ready to be out like this?

Evan watched Heidi reach up and cup Connor’s cheek in a way only a mother could. She said something, and Connor wiped his face. Heidi smiled, and then hugged him. Once she pulled away, she kissed his cheek and waved him off. Then, she came back inside. 

“Is he okay?” Evan couldn’t help but ask. 

Heidi watched Connor drive away. “Just scared, I think.”

Evan felt terrible. “I shouldn’t have made him do that.”

Heidi shook her head. “No, no. Not your fault. There are other things, I think. Besides just this. Maybe you should talk to him.”

Evan nodded. “I will. Yeah. I’ll talk to him.”

“Good.” She sighed, and then picked up the Redbox movie on the countertop. “Shall we crack into this baby?”

Evan smiled. “I’ll make the popcorn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI remember me  
> Yeah so sorry I have been awol for so long. Long story short, midterms destroyed me and then I had a surgery that I wasn't expecting which was wild. BUT i finally pumped out a new chapter LOVE THAT!   
> finals are approaching so it might be a hot minute before updates but christmas break will hopefully bring some more of those! im applying for the disney college program in january so i'll be working on that too.  
> ANYWAY  
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS


	32. Author's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst, etc.

HI EVERYONE! SO.   
This story looks like it has been orphaned...it has not. I AM PLANNING TO FINISH OMAHA.   
First, long story short, college is hard. I was going to attempt to have an update over Christmas break but with surgery and all that it didn't happen. And it probably won't happen until I get out of school (April 26th). BUT I DO KNOW HOW THIS ENDS AND WE WILL GET THERE!!  
Second, I've actually been writing a ton of other Tree Bros fics in my free time and neglecting this one (I'm the worst). I'm writing three fics simultaneously. Not including Omaha. ALSO THEY ARE REALLY GOOD AND I'M NOT GONNA POST ANY OF THEM UNTIL THEY ARE COMPLETED SO I CAN AVOID THESE LONG UPDATE INTERVALS.  
Anyway. See you in a bit.

**Author's Note:**

> i basically live off of attention so leave a comment if you feel like it. catch me on twitter @starcuffedjeans


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